the nail in the coffin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
the nail in the coffin
2
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 4:37pm
I have lurked here for a few months and received so much help and advice from reading the messages. I haven't contributed because as someone else said I really didn't feel I could help anyone in the state I've been in. The short version of my story is that I was in a physical and emotional affair for a long time. We were in love but both married and unwilling to leave our marriages for many reasons. We ended it mutually in August and have been in NC since then. I went through all the pain everyone else here has described, pulled myself together and got back into my real life as much as possible. I really thought i was doing OK until I crashed and burned and broke contact to send him an email about something in my life I thought he would want to know - an excuse, I know but it turned out not to matter anyhow as the account we used to communicate through has been closed. When that email came back as undeliverable I felt pain as sharp as the day we ended things. Although I know he closed it in order to maintain no contact and although I have blocked him on my email I can't describe how hurt I was to realize that the last way possible way to contact him was gone. I had no idea how tightly I was holding on to the idea that I could contact him if I wanted to, even though I didn't even try for more than five months. It's like my brain finally wrapped itself around the concept that it's over. Has anyone else had this epiphany so long after the actual ending or am I just a slow learner?

Glory
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:46pm
I'm so sorry, glory. I have a feeling this will be happening to me, soon enough. My MM broke off all contact for over a year and a half after our initial emotional affair. And then he actually replied one day and it rekindled a flame. But we're breaking it off again, and I think this time, it's for good. I read your post and a gut feeling told me to respond. I hate it when it hurts this much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 12:18am
Thank you for your reply. I think we, on this board, are all in some phase of the pain - new pain, denial of the pain, acceptance of the pain, rekindled pain... I hope you are able to work through yours and end up happy and strong. I'm starting over again after five months but I'm determined to get there. No contact is tough but I'm finally convinced it's the only way out.

Glory