My H found out....and I broke NC!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
My H found out....and I broke NC!
13
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:34am
Hello all,

It has been awhile since I last posted....am still a little shell-shocked from the events of this past Friday. For those of you who don't know my story (I'll try to condense this!)....I was involved in a 2-year, emotional, long-distance A with my high school sweetheart. It ended in October....we had been NC for just over 9 weeks. Meanwhile, my H got called up for military duty. He got to come home from training for 12 days at Christmas before heading overseas. Things have not been great between me and my H for some time now. For years he has not shown much interest in me or anything I was doing, so I didn't think he knew or suspected anything about XMM. Well, as we were getting ready to leave for the airport last Friday, he calmly informs me that he knows all about XMM! He found some E-mails that I had printed out (I am an idiot, I know!), and he also found a journal of mine. He said he had known something was going on for almost a year! I couldn't believe it. The irony here is that the A is now over. I told him this....not sure if he believes me or not.

So....you can imagine what a fun ride it was to the airport! The weird thing is, he didn't yell, scream or anything else.....in fact, he was strangely calm about the whole thing. I don't know what to think. So, he is now overseas, and likely won't be home until September. I have no idea what will happen to our marriage when he gets back. After returning from the airport, I couldn't help myself -- I broke 9 weeks of NC and called XMM. I wanted him to know that my H knows everything. We talked for about 45 minutes. Although there were some tears on my part, I don't think talking with him has set me too far back in my progress. I found out he is *still* unemployed! This was a major reason that we "broke up." He has been unemployed for over a year now, and is quite depressed about it. He had told me that he needed to focus on finding a job. (I wanted to point out that breaking things off with me hasn't seemed to help him find a job, but of course I didn't!) He did say that he still loved me, and that he has for over 20 years now. I think that was something I needed to hear. I really haven't been tempted to contact him again (at least not yet). He has a lot of problems right now, and I definitely don't need any more of those in my life!

So, here I sit, without my H (at least for the next 8 months) and without XMM in my life anymore. It seems to me these A's rarely end well for us women. I have managed to make my marriage worse than it already was, and lost XMM in the end anyway. Definitely *not* worth it!! I am going to try to focus now on taking care of my kids and my house, and try to stay out of trouble! Also now that my "crisis" is over, I hope to be able to offer some help and advice to others on this board. Thanks for reading my story....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 4:43am
I have been separated from my H due to Military Duty. I was not having an A nor was my H (I think) but we had made a real mess of our marriage. Anyway he wrote me every week sometimes more often, and was very honest about the kind of relationship he wanted in his life, his feelings, day to day activities etc. We ended up getting our marriage back on track. He died 3 years after we reconciled and I was so devastated I think I rushed in to my current marriage (thats another story). I wanted you to know that maybe you should write your spouse every week. Tell him you are sorry. Tell him your dreams. Keep him informed about all the stuff the kids are doing. Tell him about your good memories. Write a short letter every day if you can. Let him know how much you need his friendship. Even if you do not work things out the communication might help him forgive you. It will definately help you be at peace with yourself. I know that being away from home and getting all of the news and letters really keeps your spirits up while you are away. I know when I felt lost and confused sometimes doing something kind help me feel better about myself and my mistakes. I also know that putting my words on paper and sharing them helps me sort out my priorities and work through my feelings and makes me stronger. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 11:05am
MOM,

I'm pretty shocked at the number of folks on these boards that do have something to do with the military considering the overall..size of the military vrs...civillian population. It is so hard to keep it together when people are parted. I wish there was some formula on how to handle this type of thing but, there is no good answer. I tried to keep my 2 year marriage together even though we actually only lived together for less then half of that time. The military is a very difficult lifestyle. I think and I give you so much credit for the sacrifices you make...

Even if your marriage is not repairable...I don't think you should eat yourself up with guilt... there is an old joke in the military about what makes a career soldier... It's One DWI and One Divorce. Yes it's really not true for all BUT... the point I'm making is that it's a difficult lifestyle. I don't think it would be fair for anyone to judge you who hasn't experienced the long seperations first hand... IT SUCKS!!!

DO what feels right to you! That's all anyone can do.

Big O'hug to you,

Katja

PS.. have you seen the video for American Solider? It's country music... damn that thing makes me CRY!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 4:40pm
Hi edmond,

Thanks for your response. Wow, I am so sorry that your first husband passed away. I guess we never really know what each day is going to bring. I do plan to write my H frequently while he is away. Even though we have many problems in our marriage, I do respect his military service, and I know it's not easy for him to be away from our kids. I think we have always gotten along better long-distance anyway! (=

I don't think I've ever seen you post on this board before. I have found it to be a wonderful group of supportive, caring people! Hope to see you around more often....

mpjcmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 4:51pm
Hi katja,

Thanks for your kind words. Yes, the military is a difficult lifestyle. I know I can't use that as an excuse for my actions, but it IS hard being alone with the kids so much.

I am so excited for you about the baby! Two is a nice number....that's how many I have. I wish you the best of luck with everything. Please keep us updated! Hugs to you~

mpjcmom

P.S. -- Yes, I love that song and video. I'm finding I can't listen to country music too much these days. I love it, but it does make me so emotional!!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 7:38pm
HOLY MOSES!!!! How could you wait 8 months to find out what the deal is with your marriage...did your husband say anything before he left to tell you what his plan of action was? Do you think he will forgive you?

I agree with edmond..write to him....tell him your thoughts and feelings. What do you want MPJ? do you want to work things out with your H???

I am sorry that you are going through this pain. A's usually don't end well ...someone usually gets hurt....that is the general scenario on this board. I will never have another A. I would rather be alone then go through this again.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 8:17pm

I think Edmond has very sound advice for you.


Whatever the problems in your marriage, writing to your husband while he is away can surely open a dialogue between the two of you. Apologies, reasons for why it happened, what you need from your marriage, what he wants from a marriage to you, will he be able to work with you on a new marriage together, how the kids are doing, etc., etc.....


While H is overseas, I think that how you live on your own will have a significant impact on the reentry in September. Livig an honest life with no more secrets gives you an opportunity to look H straight in the eye while talking with him. No lies. No deceit. No baggage....a good way to start rebuilding from.


Counseling is also going to be needed for you two when H comes home. A lot of counseling.


I wish you well, and I hope you're successful in rebuilding your marriage...


jmhoo,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 12:29am
Hi shes,

Nice to see you around again! Yep, my future with my husband is pretty much a big question mark right now. The way he confronted me was really WEIRD. We had a fight on New Year's Eve (after everyone had been drinking -- lovely!). At that time, he dropped some serious hints that he knew I was (or had been) up to something. He called me "deceitful," and asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell him. I wasn't going to volunteer unless directly confronted, so I said no. Then he chose to confront me less than an hour before we had to leave for the airport. Maybe he wanted to leave me hanging and wondering for the next 8 months?? The only communication we've had since he's been gone are E-mails that he's sent to not only me but his brother, his parents, etc. Just basic stuff like the fact that he arrived safely, etc. We have not communicated directly, just me and him, since he left. Things have been bad between us for awhile now, so is this the straw that will break the camel's back? I really don't know.

I know Dr. Phil always says you have to earn your way out of a marriage. So, when H gets back, if he is willing, I believe we should try counseling. Honestly, at this point, I don't feel that I even love him anymore, but after 2 kids and 13 years of marriage, I know that we have to at least try. I guess him finding out about XMM has just made a bad situation worse.

I know what you mean about no more A's. There *are* worse things than being alone!! I hope the new year has started out well for you.....

mpjcmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 12:39am
Hi nre,

Thanks for your kind reply. Yes, I do think this forced 8-month separation will be a good chance for us to communicate openly and honestly with each other. I am one of those people who expresses myself better in writing anyway....I have always been that way. I agree that much counseling will be needed when he returns. Hopefully we can somehow rise above the mess we have made and rebuild. I'll keep you all updated....

mpjcmom

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 3:52pm
I have two kids and 13 years under my belt too..i know exactly what you mean. Your husband didn't hit the roof, but we all know too well (XOM was career military) that military men are trained to think before they react. Did your husband sound hurt? Counseling is definitely in order when he gets back however you really have to want it to work...not just go through the motions MPJ. By the way things are going great for me...XOM is begging for me back in a serious way and I"m continuing to ignore him. My life without an A has alot less drama in it for sure, but I am starting to feel peace that I have not felt in a long time. There is more energy for me to spend on me....and on my wonderful children who deserve a happy mother. My life is far from perfect, but I'm handling each problem at a time and coming out a winner.

I'm praying for you. I think that you should write your husband an email and start dialogue about this...this way by the time he gets back you will have a better idea of what your plan is, and how he feels.

keep me posted, i'm not here all that often but you have my email address, don't you?

hugs

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 12:30am
Hi shes --

An update: My H wrote me a long E-mail today about our situation. He basically said that he is hurt and angry. He acknowledged that there are many problems in our marriage, and that he has not always been the best husband and/or friend to me. However, he says now he no longer trusts me. I wrote back a lengthy response, apologizing for my actions, but also pointing out some of the reasons that I felt compelled to look for love elsewhere. I said that I would like to try marriage counseling when he returns, if he is willing. I think we owe it to ourselves and our children to try every means possible to salvage things. Sometimes I feel like we are too far gone, but I know we have to try.

I'm so glad things are going well for you! I would be interested in talking to you in more detail about how to avoid the temptation of an A when involved in a bad marriage. My XMM called me on Friday and, instead of ignoring the call or quickly hanging up on him, we talked for almost 2 hours. I am scared that I could fall right back into the whole thing.....however, I realize that I *can't* have it both ways.....I must choose to work on my marriage whole-heartedly or get out. I don't have your E-mail address. You can post it here or, if you'd rather, just write me at mpjcmom@excite.com. Thanks, and hugs to you too!

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