Not Sure How to Live Without Him

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Not Sure How to Live Without Him
3
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 4:04am
New to this board. I have tried to end our affair before but failed because he was my only friend. He will not leave his W and I am afraid to leave my H. So there you have it. W found out he called me while he was on business in El Paso. He has done several things lately to cause her to know we are not over and sometimes I think he makes these slips on purpose to force her to move and file. Then later he regrets it and lies to keep her in the marriage? So many crazy questions. Help! Where do I start?
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 7:45pm
Edmond.....from my personal experience - I was in an affair for 12 years and when my MM's wife found out ( just this past Oct ), he wanted to end his marriage, he wanted to be with me, he wanted to continue with our love on a different level.....he also wanted his W to make that decision because he couldn't. That is why MM let things slip to their wifes....it is so much easier if the other partner ends the relationship. But to end it himself, he could not do it, and will never have the courage to end his marriage. It is sad and very painful for us to have to endure the MM's fence sitting. I have found that I deserve better than to be treated by someone who says they love me, and then willingly ends it the moment "the secret" is discovered.


Where do you start? You start by taking care of yourself.

I hope things work out for you,

Lillsilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 1:09am
Hi edmond,

Not sure if I have any great advice for you, but you were kind enough to respond to my last post, so I wanted to give it a try. I can kind of relate when you say your OM is your only friend. I did consider XMM my best friend. I have many acquaintances, am friendly with most of my neighbors, etc. but it is hard for me to open up and let people really get to know me. XMM and I talked about everything. I opened up to him about painful secrets from my past and private details of my life today. To have that friendship taken away was extremely painful. This board has been a huge help to me. To have a place to go to "talk" about the A has been wonderful for me. To know there are many others in similar situations has helped tremendously. I have also made an effort to re-connect with some old (female!) friends. I called an old friend from college the other night who I hadn't talked to in ages. I have been E-mailing several other old girlfriends from high school and college. When I feel bored or lonely, I call my mom or go across the street and talk to my neighbor. Not the same kind of intimacy, of course, but I think it always helps to make that human connection.

I have been an at-home mom for many years and am also afraid to leave my H, although we haven't been happy in quite some time. XMM is unemployed and is in no postition to go anywhere. Even if he had a job....although he has said he's in a loveless marriage....I don't think he would leave her anyway. From what I have read on this board, it seems that men rarely leave their wives for the other woman.

Do you think your marriage is worth saving?? That is what I am trying to figure out myself. In the end, we are going to have to choose -- our A or our marriage. I'm learning you can't have it all, at least not for very long. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted.....

mpjcmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:13pm
Thanks! Been very busy working last couple of days but your help is appreciated. I have not slept in 2 days. I have never had this problem before. I had to talk to him today. He and I work for the same organization and I almost started crying. So much for being strong. I am getting better though. I am going to go to bed and pray for sleep. If no sleep tonight I might break down and get my doc to prescribe a rx for a night or two.