Do any of your close friends or

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Do any of your close friends or
10
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:33pm
relatives know of your relationship/past relationship with OM/MM/OW?If so, how do they feel about that and treat you because of it?And also do you feel somewhat of a relief having someone to talk to about it or is it more of a burden?

Emma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:50pm
my mom and a friend of mine knows. im not sure why i told my friend... i guess to see what it would sound like out loud... to test it i guess and make sure it was real. well it felt completely real afterward. i started to regret what i had done and truely learn from it. i told my mother because she always knows what to say to make me feel better. she doesnt agree with what i did and my dishonesty with my bf but she does what she can to help me work thru it... a quote she said to me today after i told her i have been crying almost everyday was TEARS ARE GOD'S WAY OF FORGIVING YOU. its incredible how some women just seem to kno everything! i feel relief that my mother knows because its helped me face it and change things. but i almost regret telling my friend as much as C on my bf.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 7:25am
NO! No one in the entire universe has any clue that XMM & I had an affair. NO ONE. After 5 whole years. I don't even think he has told his therapist! We just were so, so careful, we knew that if even one other person knew we would be putting ourselves in danger of being found out eventually.

That is why I am so glad to have found this board. I need a safe place to talk about some of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:15am
I am a very open and honest person. All of my friends knew, I just didn't tell my mom. His friends all knew, and most of his family (except for mom). I found that it was much easier to deal with it when I could talk to my friends. I don't know how I would have gotten through some things without their support.

Am I ashamed of it? Sort of, because I was raised with values that says it is. Do I feel that bad about all of it? Not really.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:16am
The first person i told was my brother--and my XMM knows i did. My brother's response was, "thank God for this man," that there was someone who had reached out to me and fallen in love with me, as i finally confided in him also, about how terrible my marriage has been (i had kept that a secret for over a decade!) My mother also knows--both my brother and mother have been very supportive. I only told one friend: and it's because she knew something was not right with me--and she finally asked one day and i told her how mixed up and confused i was.

I found it helpful to have someone to talk to (in my real world). But i have found, that only the people that post on this board, truly understand the complexities of an EMA--the feelings behind it.

I feel a real kindred spirit with all of you.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:27am
One of my girlfriends knows everything. I told her about a year into the A because my xMM and I were going through a rough time and I was devastated and needed someone to talk to. (If my xMM knew that I told her, he would be furious.)

As far as my family is concerned he was just a very good friend that I hung out with. I did sometimes get comments about "what does his wife think about him being with you so often?" Interestingly, one of the most challenging stories to come up with was how to explain why he wasn't around anymore after we broke up. We'd been such good friends and had spent so much time together that it was very obvious when I was no longer seeing him.

I've become a very good story teller (liar) over the last two years. Sometimes I'm amazed that people believed what we told them...maybe they didn't but were just too polite to confront either him or me. It would be interesting to take a poll to see how many people really knew that we were having an affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:35am
I have a friend who had an affair years ago. She said that they were extremely careful and she was positive that no one new she was involved in an affair. Later she found out that a lot of people knew...had either seen them together and not mentioned it or just felt that something was going on. My friend said that she realized that she had insulted a lot of people's intelligence by assuming they didn't know what was going on.

I think that when something is such a big part of your life, people who are close to you know that something is going on.

My xMM and I broke up at the same time I lost my job. It was devastating but sometimes I was relieved that I was able to explain my sadness and depression on the fact that I'd been laid off. I couldn't hide my sadness and it would have been hard to explain it to my friends and family since I couldn't say, "I just ended a relationship."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:31pm
I think everyone knew...

Spouse found out in a bad way and we were on the way to divorce, but then MM's W had MM and I followed by PI's and it got scarey for my family so I went back to H. I told my mom, sister and about 6-7 close friends about the A when it was still going on and thought I was leaving H (they didn't know about PI stuff). They were all hurt that I couldn't talk to them about my previous unhappiness (which, in part, led to the A). People at work thought something was going on before it happened--

My H told a lot of people, when we were separated and I don't blame him, but it makes being back at home hard. I don't really talk to ANYONE anymore. We don't do as much as a family or with other couples. "Maintaining" is a good way to put it. Kind of like the life I had before the H.

I know I was dishonest, being in the A, but I had spent YEARS lying to myself and making excuses for spouse's lack of participation in my life and of my kids. I covered for him at every school function and everytime I shoveled the snow from the driveway or had to wheelbarrow the wood from the backyard to the wood pile.

I am "back" with H and everyone thinks things are back to normal--that H and I just had a blip on the radar. But, I am more miserable than ever, lying to myself more than anyone will ever know because I do not love him in the way he hopes or thinks and I need to get the courage to get a divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:31pm
My 3 best friends knew about it. They all were there for me when I needed to vent, cry, and just talk. As a matter of fact they still are. However they all also told me that XMM was using me, and that he was playing me. I didn't want to see it because it was all so new and exciting to me. Now looking back, They were and still are right. They didn't want to see me hurt and struggle with the pain and heart ache.

I have been NC for a long time now. It had not been easy for me. But I will make it thru this.

I have always been good at giving advice to my friends cause I'm the one they would all run to in time of trouble. Boy, If I could have just listened to some of the things I have told them in the past, I would not be here right now.

But you live and learn. Time to move on.

My friends are very special to me and us 4 ol' girls are very tight. I'm lucky to have them.


TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:59pm
My mom knows, one sister and one brother (I have 1 more of each). They love me & are relieved it's over. My closest friends all knew & to a one, they wanted me out but loved me in spite of my bad judgment and self-inflicted pain. They just wanted me to get away from him & no one has ever been mean or judgmental to me about it. Just happy I got away.

My current boyfriend even knows. He's also divorced and understands the temptation to hide away from the real world but is also proud of me for deciding to live a fuller and healthier life by leaving MM (and being open to meeting him!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:21pm

Close friends I have few of, two female and three male. All of them knew about my affair and all of them knew GB. My husband is one of those three. My family knew as well. Neither GB's wife, family nor friends knew anything. Coworkers often suspected but did not say anything. I did not hide my affair. I did hide some of the specific activities.


~Chris~