Opportunity and Trust

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Opportunity and Trust
8
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:15am
A random event yesterday put my XMM in the home of a woman (Mo) that he has told me he is attracted to. I felt really miserable about this for about an hour, wondering if this chance opportunity would open the door for him and her to somehow connect.

Soon after i worked through these thoughts, i realized, how ridiculous it is that i love a man that i cannot even trust in the company of a woman for even an hour. I think that says a lot.

I finally got to a place last night where i thought: i have no control over the rain, chance meetings or events or the motives and behaviors of XMM. I can only control my own thoughts and behaviors--if this opened opportunity for him--so be it. What the hell can i do about it anyway? And why in the world would i love a man who i seemingly could never trust as far as i could throw him?

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:15am
I've thought about this a lot...if someone cheats on his marriage, how can you trust him in your relationship? My xMM is very flirtatious. Before our A it always seemed harmless, now it makes me uncomfortable to hear about his conversations with female co-workers. I wonder if I would ever truly trust him. Even at the worst times in my marriage, the idea that my xH would cheat on me never occurred to me (and he didn't cheat), but I think it might always be in the back of my mind as a possibility if I were to continue to be with xMM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:32am
someone told me once to think about how you met your lover, H, W, boyfriend, whatever. Was it at a bar? Did they come on to you? What were the circumstances--considering that, if things weren't going well with your relationship, this person told me that that may be another way--a pattern--on how your lover meets people.

Considering my XMM met me on the stupid little league field, no wonder i wonder about any motivations he may have toward meeting this new "mom" on the little league field.

I finally got to a place last night where i said to myself: so be it. I cannot worry about this. I am amazing and lovely and if i was only another pretty face--and someone to boost his ego--then, you know what, i am better than that and i know it and so does he.

My XMM is attracted to EVERYBODY! He has an amazing sexual drive--that he admits to and is scared by. The only difference with me, i know, is that i am so much more of a package than that--and he certainly wasn't expecting that i am sure.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:43am
Hi Startingnew, here's a question for you. What about the cheating MM in it for sex only? That's what mine is. I think most of the time, he feels he's not really cheating on his W because he tells himself its not an emotional A.

Do you think men can really rationalize things like that?

Sometimes we go thru NC because he starts it. It's usually been around the time of the year we first met.

I think he gets guilty feeling around that time. Although I know the A is wrong, but I do think MM is a decent guy, and I would have trusted him not to cheat on me. We have both said we were basically 1-person people, and right now, he is the 1 person I sleep with, as H is not interested in sex for a long time now. And same with him and his W.

Its sad to say for me, but I think if his W showed even a LITTLE more interest, he would leave me just like that.

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:22pm
Such good questions! I'm not sure what the answers are, though.

I do think men are better than women at compartmentalizing feelings. (Don't mean to be sexist.) But I don't know if it makes any difference what the motivation for the affair was...physical, emotional, companionship, etc.

MM is an exceptional person and I appreciate so many things about him. He has said many times that he will never have an affair again because of the negative aspects of it. In a way, I think a person who has been through something this painful will be less willing to make the same choice again. I just wonder if I would be able to not be suspicious of his long bike rides, weekends away, etc. because those are the excuses he used to spend time with me. I do think that attitudes and actions would make a difference...if he is still acting like he adores me, wants to spend time with me, and is inviting me to do things with him, I think I'd be less suspicious.

I have also told myself that my relationship with him would be different because I show interest in him and his wife doesn't, etc. A friend of mine was involved in an affair years ago and both she and her MM ended their marriages to be together. Five years later, she found out that her new husband was cheating on her. She has told me many times that she thought that the problems he was having with his first wife would not be problems in their relationship but they were. She said she made so many excuses for him because she thought that a lot of what was happening was caused because of the dynamics of his relationship with his first wife. Have you found yourself doing that? I know I have.

One of the things I've noticed is that my xMM dealt with problems in his marriage (or didn't deal with them) by spending more time on his bike and not thinking about things...which definitely enabled our affair. He was already gone so much and kind of "uninvolved" in his marriage that it was pretty easy for us to spend a lot of time together. That's one of the character issues that I would worry about if I were considering continuing my relationship with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:39pm
Well although my MM says his life is good and he has a nice family, but the W is totally uninterested in sex. And I do believe him (even though I know EVERYONE here says that is just a line). But the reason I do believe him is because I am living thru the same thing with H.

That being said, from what he tells me they do not have much "couple" time together at all. They are both taking kids here there and everywhere, and not usually together. And he has a sport that takes him out of town alot in the spring and summer especially.

We have both said that we would never look for another A partner if this ended. I for sure would not. I guess at that point I would have to face the music in my M, and make the hard decision, whether or not it can be saved.

He says he wouldn't do this again either. Although he says the thing with me is a "special situation".

I think he's kind of accepted the fact/given up on W changing. And so he sees me. But I think it does make him feel a little guilty, and I do not think he is the type to cheat with another person if we ended it.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:02pm
Please let me get to that place!!! Im still deciding what to do about my MM :(

it hurts so bad, best of luck to you :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:17pm
I'm like you Bethany. In a way, I think I should end it, but just can't bring myself to do it. I still enjoy the time with MM.

I almost wish he would do something that would turn me off from him, like being a creep or something along that line. But he is not, he is a nice guy. And I still find myself wanting him very, very much. When we have NC, I can try and forget about it all. But then it all comes right back to me as soon as I hear from him again.

Anyways, maybe someday I will come to a decision about it like alot of you have. I just don't think I'm there ... yet.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:44pm
i am not there yet, but i can tell, i am getting closer (at least i feel that way for today and that is all that matters.)

Not heard from my XMM today--but did a couple of times this week. It used to be that i would sit and wonder why--now i know, that's jus the way it is. I don't (at least not today) need an email or call or to see his face to make me happy. Somehow today, i have found a way to make myself happy without depending on anyone else (of course, except this board!)

Clarice