More of a fling than affair - but done
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| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 5:59pm |
Anyway, his conscience can't take it anymore. Mine, however, seems non-existence. I feel no guilt whatsoever for what I have done. I got together with him last night to talk, and say good-bye because he can't handle the guilt he feels...loves his girlfriend, wants to marry her. Just my luck, how many hot, sexy, 29 year old men actually have a conscience? I have to find the one...
Of course my actions have forced me to open my eyes to the state of my marriage, and how I was ever able to behave in such a manner. I did pledge my love and fidelity before god and the church -- but ignoring that pledge seemed to have no effect upon me. I realize now that I really am not very happy, and that is the thing that is causing me pain. I have become lost in the identity of wife and mother, and granted having a fling is not the best way to find oneself, but i think that is what I was doing. My husband is all about appearances. Everything always has to appear perfect, regardless of what is going on. I have begun to feel like a "prize" wife to him. We are a beautiful couple (often told we look like a movie-star couple), my looks, my weight, my behavior are critically important to him --- I am a reflection of him and he always wants that reflection to be perfect. He is the first to point out my flaws...the house isn't clean enough, I don't make the beds well enough or fold laundry properly, I look like i have gained a couple of pounds (I am 5 91/2, 130 lbs, size 4, pilates instructor with 13% body fat...couldn't get any thinner without looking ill!). Yes he also showers me with love and affection, especially in public where it seems like a display of ownership.
I don't know what to do know. I have opened my eyes to my dissatisfaction in my relationship. I would have been happy to continue to ignore it and continue to have fun in my fling, unfortunately (fortunately) he wasn't willing...
The key element of my husbands personality -- that need to keep everything perfect -- means that he would never admit that there were any flaws in our relationship and would never ever ever agree to counseling. To him, there would just be something else wrong with me, he would tell me that I was crazy, that I over-react, etc.
I am very sad to say good-bye to my young friend. And I am very sad when I admit to how truly unhappy I am in my marriage.
