Not wanting to destroy the good memories

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Not wanting to destroy the good memories
9
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 6:26pm
Hello All,

Obviously I haven't been able to walk away from my MM yet, the last few weeks since my deadline past and he still wasn't able to tell him wife and leave have been back and forth with me. One day I'm telling him that I can't do this anymore, and then the next I'm telling him that I don't want to live without him. He told me that he wants to do right by me and if that means not seeing me until he can be with me forever then thats what he will do. I think we both know that an end must come before we can be together, but neither one of us has been able to even tackle NC for even a single day. What I'm afraid of is that with what we are doing right now it seems like we're both trying to wean ourselves away from the other trying to avoid getting really really hurt. But I'm scared to death that by the time we get to the point of being able to comfortably let go we'll have destroyed all of the memories of the great times that we shared together in the last two years with just a few weeks of not being ourselves with each other. I'm lost here and I know if I'm going to make a move it had better be very soon to prevent that from happening, but how do I get through each day without him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:53pm
Okay, here's the thing. The best thing for you, whether you want to stay or go, is to stick with your ultimatum. It's me or her. That's what I did & I wanted him to say her. I wouldn't let him say anything else & it was my ticket out. But even if you really want him, it's the smartest thing to do.

How is he ever going to know he can't live without you, if he never has to experience that? Walk away. If there's something real there and he can find the courage and cojones to face up to his life and make it better, then he's worthy of you, worthy of your life.

If he can't, is that really a man who you want to depend on? I wouldn't.

All that said -- how do you live a day without him? You do it -- you LIVE. You make your life what you want it to be. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a clingy, needy person whose whole existence and happiness depends entirely on me. I want to be with a healthy happy person with a full and rewarding life without me and yet chooses me to make it complete. Wouldn't you prefer that too?

Make your life what you want it to be -- with or without this guy. Get busy. Do all the things you ever wanted to do, were afraid to do, get out there and live. Go to school, start working out, go for that promotion at work, take dancing lessons, run a marathon. I don't know, whatever YOUR dreams are.

Good luck. You can do this. I did it a year ago and never looked back (after about a year of false starts - what a wasted year). My life has never been better. The guilt and shame are gone. It's a good thing as poor ole Martha would say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:10am

Answering your last question:


One day at a time.


Otherwise you continue to live in limbo-land.


Living a lie.


Surrounded by pain and denial.


How do I know this?


I lived it for 17 years.


Pure hell.


Leave now and don't settle for anything except 100% availability of your partner.


You're worth 100%.


Now demand it.


and leave...........


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:58pm
I told one good friend about my affair. As he affair was ending and getting rougher, she said to me, "Let him remember the good times"...meaning end it for good before it got too ugly. I didn't and we had a horrific fight. Although I don't know where I would have found the strength, I really do wish I'd ended it before it got that bad. We both said some things that I wish could be taken back. It's better now because of distance but for a long time, when I thought of him and our relationship I always thought of the fight that ended it all. Not a good memory...but in the end that was what it took for both of us to get the strength to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:42pm
I feel your pain and anguish. The only thing that I would suggest is to find something to occupy your thoughts. Get involved in something and try to focus on something else. This type of situation can easily consume you. I know this. Hang in there and good luck.

E-mail me if you want to chat or talk.

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:30pm
I have to agree with all the other posters. My opinion is that if you really don’t want to

end your A with “no bad memories” then you should walk away now. It is VERY easy to

destroy any thought of keeping things civil. I am the expert of making ultimatums,

deadlines, and breaking NC. It took a long time but when the time comes you will be able

to do it. It does hurt but living a lie hurts worse. Being an OW hurts worse. Just walk

away and don’t look back. I promise if you keep going back for more it will turn into

something very ugly. There are good people here with good advice, read, and listen and

post when you feel weak.

Good luck to you

Sunandrain
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 8:48pm
Wow! As I read the messages from those who responded to my post it really sunk in that this really and truly needs to be done now as each time we're together I feel like we're slipping further and further away from each other. But, it was something that you had mentioned that sent tears streaming down my face as I sit here and write this message, that being "Let him remember the good times" as that's all I really want. I want for us both never to look back at the two wonderful years we spent together and have any negative feelings. I wrote him a letter explaining everything, and I plan on giving it to him tomorrow night. I thought about emailing it to him instead but decided against it as I felt that if he were to end it that way with me I would be very hurt. As hard as this is going to be I know that I owe it to him to delivery this news face to face. And like I said earlier things haven't been the same between us for a few weeks now, so I doubt that this will be much of a surprize. Honestly, I think he has been expecting this news from me knowing that compromising my position just is not something that I'd be able to live with long term. It's so confusing sometimes, how can someone who has brought so much love and happiness into your life cause you so much pain?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:14pm
We were discovered two months ago after a 6 month affair. We still work in the same office, though his desk was coincidentally moved right after she found out (really). We have barely spoken a word since that horrible day; he asked me to avoid him and he is avoiding me -- and doing a great job of it, I might add.

Today I saw his car in the parking lot filled with household items. I was devastated.

Just when I think I have moved on, I'll see him or have a dream about him, or hear his voice and I'm back at square one. However, I have really been trying to put my efforts into other things, mostly work. It does get easier. It's really a matter of breaking habits; in the beginning I thought I'd go out of my mind, missing our lunches, office talks, etc. But now it's been so long, that part is pretty much in the back of my mind. He also told me at one point that the contract to stay away from me was not between him and his wife (though that also existed) but between him and God. That's a tough one to be up against.

I do allow myself to think of the incredible times we had; but I do continue to avoid him, partly because I hate him, mostly because I love him. I agree that you can never stop loving a person you're truly in love with; but you can stop the actions you're doing.

It will get easier; you probably won't want it to, but it must and it will. Prayer really helps, honestly.

And time is the great healer. Sometimes I think I won't make it through the next five minutes, but you know what, I always do. Hard to avoid emailing him, I still do once or twice a week, always about work things (I do really avoid contacting when I can) or sometimes about him, like is he okay. Sounds stupid as I write that, I must sound so desparate. Anyway, he always answers me nicely but briefly.

Yeah, it stinks but then, the whole thing does doesn't it.

Think of how much worse things could be, he could be dead or moved away, you could be pregnant, etc. That's how I do it, grateful that she didn't kill him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:57pm
I'm sincere when I say that I don't know which hurt the most...not being able to see him anymore or thinking that I'd made an enemy of someone who was the best friend I'd ever had. Like I said, however, getting the strength to end it before that point is tough...it almost seems like things have to get horrible before you either have the motivation to really end it or he ends it and you have no choice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:58pm
Well, I gave him my letter tonight and as he sat there and read it, over and over I kept telling myself in my head that I was making the right choice finally with bringing things to an end. But, in my heart so badly I wanted to rip it from his hands and tell him that I made a mistake and not to read it, because I knew that I didn't want it to end, I wanted for him to tell me that he needed me and loved me and that he was going to go home and tell her so that we could finally be together. But, I didn't and when he finished reading it he took my hand in his and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and said that he didn't realize how much this was hurting me and tearing me apart, and that he couldn't do this to me anymore. He told me that he loved me entirely to much to do this to me any longer. And for a brief moment I thought that meant that he was finally going to do it, he was finally going to go home and tell her and leave. But before I even had a chance to respond with a smile, he finished his sentence with saying that he knew what needed to be done, and that he wasn't going to see me until he did just that. And just like that my heart hit the floor. I wasn't sure if I should be flattered that he was willing to do right by me, or if this was just a line he was feeding me to lesson the pain & drama that always comes with goodbyes. Regardless, it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was one of consequences I knew existed but really wasn't prepared to deal with. And before I had given any thought to why I had written the letter in the first place, I found myself telling him not to do this. Reminding him that he had always told me that he would let the decision of ending it (for my sake) be my decision. Now how messed up is this sh**! He then reminded me that he has allowed me to make that decision and that it was obvious that I wasn't able to do so with my best interest at heart. Anyway, we left things with us meeting tomorrow for lunch to talk about it further. But after thinking about it, I'm starting to wonder is this just a game that married guys play with us, letting us believe that we are the ones in control over this whole situation when in fact they really are??????? Don't know how to handle this one, and need advice real fast.