desperate to let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
desperate to let go
10
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:02pm
I am trying to figure out how to end a relationship I've been having for the past year and a half. I am only 21 years old and I am involved with an older man who is not married but has been with his girlfriend for nearly 13 years. It is clear that he has no intentions of leaving her. I honestly believe that he is only with her because he knows she won't leave him. I do not believe that he loves her. Unfortunately I don't believe he loves me either.

I can't say positively that I love him but I do know that I do not have the strengh to remove myself from this situation because I have grown dependent on him in many ways. He is one of my only friends. I can't deal with being second and I know I shouldn't but I don't know what I will do with myself if I leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:33pm
It's very hard, and I went around in circles the way you are doing now. I've just began my journey really today, and all I can say is NC (No Contact). I know, that is easier said than done. Unfortunately, I have had to go through a lot of turmoil to finally make that decision. Hopefully, you won't have to. I'm still very fresh out of my situation and can feel i have a long way to go which is why I can't offer much to you right now.When i was in my situation I read these posts and heard the pain of women on here and then turned right back around and did the wrong thing. I've learned that I have to learn from my own mistakes. I hope you're different. All I can say is that I will keep you in my prayers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:08am
Why does it always take a dramatic event to end these situations? I feel helpless and I'm just waiting for something to happen that will end it for me because I cannot imagine having to end it myself.

Lately I've been telling myself not to call him so that I can get used to the separation but I always cave in within a day or two.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:21am
I do not know if it is true for all situations but until a dramatic event ocurred with my A it wasn't going to end. Why end a good thing??? As much as I wanted it to end sometimes because I knew what was going on was wrong, I couldn't end it. I am sure that you know that feeling....you try for a couple of days but you start to miss him, the attention, etc. and one of you gives in and contacts the other. I do not know of any advice to give you except to be strong. I couldn't be strong - I gave in. What has helped me now is setting goals. As dumb as it might seem I am proud to say that I have gone 44 days of NC and over 4 months since I have seen him. I know that if I contact him again I will have to start counting at 1 again and I do not want that. Everyone says with time the urge and feelings start to go away. I have to admit that the feelings have gone away but the memories are there.

Good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:54pm
I think I will try what you said. The idea of having to start the process all over again may just work...now I just need to get past that first day.

Do you think I need to end it by speaking to him or should I avoid him altogether? I have the feeling that he will be able to convince me to stay if I have to tell him its over.

Honestly I know he isn't the type of person I want to be with because I am not even myself with him...I have practically lost my identity in this relationship. I would never have gotten involved with him if I hadn't just gotten out of relationship. At least I know not to make that mistake again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:35pm
Either way that you try to end it will probably lead to him still trying to contact you. Between the two, I would try to talk to him and break it off that way. I think that if you ignore him he will keep calling wanting to know what is going on and then there is always the possibility that he might start to get nasty. Could you do it over the phone? I think not having to see him would help. Also, what about making a list of reasons why you want to end it and sticking to it when you are talking to him.

Once you do end it it is going to be extremely hard not to give in - the first couple of days weren't that bad for me, it was what came later. All I can say is that the times that I did contact him I was trying to get closure. I didn't get the closure - all I got was having to start at the beginning again. In your situation you would have closure. One more thing - maybe by you ending it you have the upper hand rather then him trying to end it with you. Kind of keeps your pride because YOU ended it.

Good luck! Be strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:43pm
I agree with yella. Be prepared. Be strong in your conviction that you deserve more! You deserve someone who can give themselves to your relationship 100%! There is nothing he can say that should be able to sway you from that. Believe with all your heart that the only way you can get to that point is to cut off this relationship *completely*.

It won't be easy. It will take a lot of strength to keep up the NC. You will have good days and you will have weak days. But ultimately it will be worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 6:24pm
Thank you all so much for your advice. I will definitely use the one about counting the days of NC because I know I won't want to have to start over again. Hopefully it works. I've decided to call him tonight...wish me luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:08pm
Good luck and be strong!! Let us know how it went - we are here to support you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:45am
I read one of your posts and can sympathize with the idea of losing a friend by ending your A. The person I'm dealing with has become one of my closest friends. When I recently moved away to finish my degree he is the person I kept in contact with the most. I would drive back just to spend the weekend with him and when I was going through issues with my other friends he was always there. What I just can't figure out is why he is so willing to hurt me and not her?

I know that I got involved with him knowing full well that he had this other relationship but he always made it seem like he wanted to leave her. It's clear to me that he won't do that, at least not for me and I am realizing that even if he did leave her our situation still wouldn't work because I am not myself with him. I am so different from him and I have changed my personality so much to be with him. I am much more timid and self-conscious.

I did not end things with him today. I just didn't find the words to say it but he could tell something was wrong. I know I will be in his area this weekend but I am going to try not to see him even though it is Easter and I know his son will be asking about me. I forgot to mention that he has custody of his son...whom I am very attached to. The girlfriend is not his mother (another A). As a result of how his child was conceived his girlfriend is not very accepting of the boy. I on the other hand love him as if he were my own. Shouldn't that count for something?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:27am
Reading over what you said I see alot of what happened with me in your situation and oddly enough there seems to be alot of similarities. I too know that I would have conformed myself to be with XMM. We had nothing in common but there was that spark - among other things, I think that was one of the biggest things I was attracted to because he was not what I was normally used to and I could talk to him.

XMM is also 23 (we share the same birthday) and has been married for 5 years (I said in a previous post he got his W pregnant in high school). He admitted that he would not have married her had it not been for her pregnancy but he had to take responsibility for his actions (which I admired!). I was the only person that he has had sex with while he he has been married though he has been physical with two other people. Right there that should tell me/you something - He has obviously cheated in the past, what makes you think that he wouldn't do it again to you if you were with him? (Taking in consideration that your guy has a child to someone other than his girlfriend) His W has taken him back 3 times!!! I know that I would not put up with that and he knew that too. In your situation for his girlfriend to still stay with him despite having a baby to someone else - how would that make you feel if you were her? But, she has accepted that, even though you said that she resents the child. Maybe for him he figures why give up a good thing?? I don't know - I guess that I am just thinking out loud but that is how I view my situation. In a way I am kind of proud that my XMM has been able to recommit himself to his W - maybe the A has forced him to straighten his priorities out??? Who knows. Does any of that make sense? I think part of what I am trying to get at is that he is in a comfort zone too and isn't willing to give that up. It takes alot to do that.

Secondly, losing a friend like that sucked - BAD. Is there anyway that you could stop the physical stuff and still be friends with him?? I do not know if that is possible but I wish that I would have done that.

I think that since you have recognized that you are a different person around him and do not think that you would work out with him, you have already taken the first big step. But now it is the hard part - can you end it and stay away??? I know that I couldn't and I do not know what to tell you to do to stay strong and it hurts bad. I just hope that what I have said may help.