To send XMM BDay present or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
To send XMM BDay present or not?
11
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:22pm
It's XMM's birthday later this week. Question: I bought him a book about meditative prayer (based on a retreat i went to recently with my church). When i told him about the retreat and the book he was very interested. I have purchased beautiful wrapping paper and ribbon; the book is lovely and meaninful. Should i sent this, or let it go?

I have also considered cutting him a CD of music i have been listening to. (Not any romantic music, mind you, but just some fun stuff i have discovered lately. I once gave his son a CD i burned for his birthday and my XMM tells me they all listen to it frequently in their car). If i were to do this, i would write a note that the CD would self destruct after 2 listens, so he wouldn't have to feel he had to hold on to it, and then potentially have to explain it's origins to his W!

I have often been told that if you have to seek so much advice on something--then maybe you shouldn't do it. I don't know. It's not a big deal, but something i have been wondering about.

Any thoughts?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:50pm
I vote NO!!!!!!! I just don't think it is a good idea. It won't help either one of you to let go or move on.

I'm always the anti-birthday voice here, aren't I? ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 7:03pm
I vote NO as well, very bad idea, stop hanging on and move on.

Noticed your other post elsewere, seems you have bigger fish to fry.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 7:07pm
Clarice,

My opinion... You chose the book because you thought he would get something out of it. I think it's ok to give it to him, but don't make it too *special*. Send it so it will be late, forget the fancy ribbon. After all, now he's just someone that you know, right?

I would also skip the music. If you're trying to break off the relationship, then maybe you shouldn't send something as personal as specially selected songs.


lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 8:37pm
you are right about having bigger fish to fry. i sometimes don't know what to be more upset about: ending my own XMM or still obsessing about my Hs . so i have been bouncing back and forth between ending an affair board today and Betrayed Spouses board.

i am often upset by both--sometimes i care about neither--often i don't know how to feel about any of it.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:46pm


XMM is just that, so do your best to get moving on in life before it passes you by.

With hubby, did his happen (if it did) because of how he was being treated during your A, if so it could be repairable with a lot of work and honesty.

I guess you could just Punt them both to the Curb and see who bounces back to you and you alone no wife or OW in there life.

F

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:52am
I had to delurk for this one. Clarice, you already told him about the book so I guess that you should give it to him. Honestly though, how are you trying to end an affair if you are giving this men presents? How would you feel if you found out your husband was giving that woman he was seeing a gift? To me a book about prayer is pretty personal. Sometimes I really wonder if this man deserves your devotion, especially after the stupid comment he made about that other woman from little league being hot. As far as making him a CD, screw it and let him download his own music.

I know I sound caustic but I've been there, I know. I was sending XOM little gifts for him and his children during the worst of times. I wasn't doing it to try and win him back or anything, but still..it prompted communication and when I saw that he was still being a schmuck it was very disappointing. But I'm not going to compare because everyone's situation is different.

Give him the book but don't make a big deal out of it. If you did'nt buy it already and tell him about it I would say not to give him the book at all.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:13am
I will not send him the book for his birthday. I really appreciate the feedback you've all given me. In a few short week's time, i went from wanting to throw him a surprise party (with his best friend), to burning him a CD, to wanting to send him this book on prayer. Then yesterday i started thinking i would send him a card; and today, i've decided to just do nothing at all. I feel good about it; but i had to process it all.

You are right: how would i feel if i found out my H was sending his OW a book for her birthday. And you are right when you ask if XMM deserves my devotion after some of the mixed up and insensitive things he's said.

I think i wanted to send the present to get a reaction out of him. To show him i know him better than anyone else--but there is no point in this. And i know it.

Thanks.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:22am
Yay, good for you! You're doing the right thing. Be strong, sister! :)
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 7:28pm
It sounds like you have a firm grip on the book/birthday situation. Now you have to get other things in order. I worry about you Clarice. Are you and H in therapy and if so, what is your therapist suggesting? Maybe you should go to therapy on your own to help you make a decision.

It wasn't until I decided that I wasn't going to divorce H and try and stick it out for as long as I could that I found some peace. I feel empowered because I know that I am staying and it is MY decision. I can decide to leave later on in life if I wish to do so. But to be in the limbo stage where you are now was total torture for me. And to have to end my A to boot, now that really sucked!

I really want you to get to a better place than you are now, and I truly believe that you will. I think you need some help though, and you shouldn't have to do this alone. You are dealing with SO much.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 7:53pm
My H and i have been in therapy since last year. I stopped the first therapist when i realized i needed to talk about my feelings for MM i met. Saw that therapist for 4 months. She would let me talk on and on about MM--which i think now was wrong. H and i went back into therapy together in September (he would go to therapy with me on Mondays and then take her out to dinner on Monday nights). Therapist never confronted Dan about his A; didn't recommend NC, etc. In November, at my urging, we got another therapist. This one is great! We both really like him--but H and i rarely go togheter b/c the therapist says that he needs to work with H on his issues (passive aggressive behavior, social anxiety; inability to initiate ANYTHING.) So it's been a month or more now since i've seen anyone and am thinking i should. SIGH. New therapist says he can "change" H. To which I say "Why in the heck should we change this man? He is successful and seems pretty happy with his life. I am the one unhappy." Anyway, other than that change comment i think the therapist is good.

I am going through a lot and have been for about a year now. I agree, the flux stage is the worst. And that is kind of where i am STILL. Please know, i am doing better than i was: i've put on weight (after losing about 10 pounds) and sleep well every night. I am still smoking though. SIGH.

Thank you for thinking of me SCU. I just can't seem to get out of the muck until i make some decisions. Now that i fully realize my A is not going to reinvent itself, that is a positive first step.

Clarice

Pages