A big, big mess
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| Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:24pm |
So, I was vulnerable when I began the A with a friend of ours, who is also married w/kids. He is a business acquaintance, family friend, runs in the same social circles. In fact, he owns a fledgling business with my dh and me. My husband and I have socialized on many occasions in different contexts with the OM and his wife. I happen to really like his wife, and he happens to really like my husband. The OM is a serious flirt, and there has been chemistry between us for over a decade now. Then 6 mos ago we started IMing each other when we saw each other on line. One thing led to another and I found myself completely infatuated with him. I basically lost control of myself and threw myself at him and he responded. So, we crossed the line and started having sex. There always seemed to be scheduling problems, and we are both very busy people, so we haven't been together that many times, but I have not been able to stop obsessing about him for 6 months now. Things have cooled down due to circumstances. We have had some close calls with getting caught and we sobered up quite a bit. He's definitely not pursuing me and as mushy as he was a few months ago. I still think about him all the time, but I know that he will never leave his wife, and I don't want her to get hurt anyway. In fact, I think the greatest impediment to his being happy in his marriage is me, and I feel guilty about that. He has a great sex life with her and I don't even know what he's getting from me. He was having problems with his marriage, but alot of them have been resolved. I will probably never leave my husband because the friendship and the security are more important to me than sex and romance. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too, but it's been horribly emotionally draining, more so than I ever thought possible. I fell in love and it's not just some casual fling. I'm crying all the time over this, missing him, worrying about getting dumped, worried about hurting someone else, feeling bitter that he and his wife have such a great sex life together and I don't have that with my husband, and all kinds of other negative emotions. The negative far outweighs the positive, and yet it is soooo very difficult to let it go completely. So, my questions are:
1. Is it better to just stop pursuing it without a formal "closure" discussion, and use all my strength simply to stop calling, e-mailing etc., or should I have a serious talk with him and be honest that it's hurting me too much and I know he's cooled down too, for whatever reasons?
2. Is it possible to salvage my friendship with him? I was a friend before this, on a much more superficial level and he says he will always love me. I would like to think that I can be a real grown up and get back to that place where we were just friends and business partners, but of course it hurts and I still want him alot. I know that if I were to tell him to pretend nothing happened he would honor that. But, I can't forget. Can it fade away even if you're still in contact? I just would love to reach the point where I was happy to see him, but I wasn't shaking with emotion every time I saw him. Is that even possible? I just ran into him today, after nc for several days. I thought I had come to terms with all this, and had ended in my head. I just started shaking, and I was flooded with emotion. So, clearly not over it. I don't think he is completely either, but he seems further along than I am. He's been far less attentive lately. Like, he is waiting for me to end it. (Classic passive aggressive...).

Sorry your in this mess, I know how much it hurts.
Your questions:
1)Men that have affairs don't tend to close so much as to disappear, for your sake you could write him ONE and only ONE e-mail telling him that it is over period and he needs to support you in this in every way possable, explain to him way if you must.
2)The friendship thing is next to impossable, the fact that you still want him makes it unlikely to work. Your going to have a very hard time getting over this if you cannot keep NO CONTACT with him which seems impossable if you continue to do business with him and keep the same friends.
It could help if you take courage and address the issues in your marriage, the sex is only one of them, if your husband has let himself go maybe he could get a personal trainer and get back into shape ETC...
You have to do what it takes to be happy.
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