Feeling Queasy
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| Thu, 04-08-2004 - 8:30am |
Today OM surprised me by showing up here at my office. Most of my co-workers know about the A because I guess initially I didn't care who found out. I felt somewhat justified like "hell... my H can't even recognize the signs... he must not be paying very close attention, huh?" I hate that I thought that. I hate my thoughts, my emotions and my actions. Today the payroll girl informed me that the dispatcher and one of project managers were discussing my "necking" in the parking lot. For some reason this has shaken me up quite a bit, making my stomach queasy. I guess when I'm in charge of it (choosing who I tell things to and whatnot) I can handle it, but to learn others are talking (I mean I assume they would even if joking) but still.
I need to stop this once and for all.
Elf - sad today

The other type is where hey I can get away with this. My OM is willing to spend whatever time I allow him with me. He doesn't ask me about my R with my H he simply enjoys being with me. When I read the posts here about A's that go on for years I guess it is this type of A. Where you are completely discreet and you never wish to be found out. I have somehow meshed these two types together and they aren't working for me.
Ugh!!!
Edited 4/8/2004 8:44 am ET ET by dementedelf
when we are in the A usually we justify our actions some way. I have said what you have "well my H doesn't care where I am at night, he probably just doesn't care" etc. etc. What you felt and how you behaved are not that abnormal. It was part of the fantasy.
But when the dust settles a bit and we see what we have done and how we have acted it can be a bit nauseating to say the least. Knowing that people know , like your co-workers....all of a sudden the fantasy has become reality, and reality is pretty ugly.
I commend you on the fact that you are admitting some cold hard truths about your A. You aren't making up any excuses or trying to justify it. This is an important and crucial step in ending the A process. It does'nt make it any easier and it hurts like hell. I have been there, I know.
The only thing that you can do now is gather up some of your dignity and move forward. People will stop talking at work because you won't be giving them anything else to say. In the end it really doens't matter what others think...it is what you think about yourself that counts.
Jazzdiva