Feeling Queasy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Feeling Queasy
2
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 8:30am
I am having a difficult time today. As like many of you I cannot see how I managed to get myself into this situation. I am at a point where I want to work on my marriage and I need to end this affair. OM and I have toyed with the concept of no contact but sometimes I feel I always brought that up after he spent an evening with his new girlfriend. Like I used it as a tool for my jealousy. I hated that I thought that way but it really seemed to be why. Earlier this week he was so upset over the no contact thing that he actually made himself sick over it. I wish I would have stood my ground but it's so darn hard when you just care about one another. I sometimes feel like my H has absolutely nothing to do with why I'm doing this. I'm just plain old screwing around and I've been enjoying it.

Today OM surprised me by showing up here at my office. Most of my co-workers know about the A because I guess initially I didn't care who found out. I felt somewhat justified like "hell... my H can't even recognize the signs... he must not be paying very close attention, huh?" I hate that I thought that. I hate my thoughts, my emotions and my actions. Today the payroll girl informed me that the dispatcher and one of project managers were discussing my "necking" in the parking lot. For some reason this has shaken me up quite a bit, making my stomach queasy. I guess when I'm in charge of it (choosing who I tell things to and whatnot) I can handle it, but to learn others are talking (I mean I assume they would even if joking) but still.

I need to stop this once and for all.

Elf - sad today

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 8:40am
I think in my case there are two different types of A. One is where I am unhappy in my R with my H and am considering leaving him. I went through this for almost 4 months making him appear to be the worst human being on the planet. Once I stopped carrying on like that I realized once again why I had married him. We are happy. I am happy. Why am I messing around with another. <> With this type of A I was not really concerned about getting caught. Well I was but I was at a point where I was willing to take those consequences. For instance if I were to get caught my H would be well aware of why I might have strayed. I made it quite clear that I was unhappy, for reasons he was never fully aware of but it was obvious.

The other type is where hey I can get away with this. My OM is willing to spend whatever time I allow him with me. He doesn't ask me about my R with my H he simply enjoys being with me. When I read the posts here about A's that go on for years I guess it is this type of A. Where you are completely discreet and you never wish to be found out. I have somehow meshed these two types together and they aren't working for me.

Ugh!!!


Edited 4/8/2004 8:44 am ET ET by dementedelf

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:45am
Elf:

when we are in the A usually we justify our actions some way. I have said what you have "well my H doesn't care where I am at night, he probably just doesn't care" etc. etc. What you felt and how you behaved are not that abnormal. It was part of the fantasy.

But when the dust settles a bit and we see what we have done and how we have acted it can be a bit nauseating to say the least. Knowing that people know , like your co-workers....all of a sudden the fantasy has become reality, and reality is pretty ugly.

I commend you on the fact that you are admitting some cold hard truths about your A. You aren't making up any excuses or trying to justify it. This is an important and crucial step in ending the A process. It does'nt make it any easier and it hurts like hell. I have been there, I know.

The only thing that you can do now is gather up some of your dignity and move forward. People will stop talking at work because you won't be giving them anything else to say. In the end it really doens't matter what others think...it is what you think about yourself that counts.

Jazzdiva