Dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Dharma
2
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:28am
Well, honey, I'm responding to your post here again, and I hope that's okay. I can totally understand how you're feeling and it was very brave of you to post in the "other forum."

I do believe in "signs," absolutely. I don't believe in "co-incidences," I call them "God-incidences." As subtle as they are, sometimes our spirits, guides, and higher power give us a gentle nudge in a certain direction. If we follow the "nudge" things can get tremendously wonderful. I don't think failing to follow the "nudge" results in disaster, it's just not as good.

Hey, the job sounds really exciting and you might want to just take a leap of faith and go for it! I can't help but thinking that in the time it takes you to adjust to your new career you will have a chance to tell whether he's really changing. You don't have to change your plans forever. You can change your plans just for today. You can re-evaluate the plan every morning. I've told you before that I had also totally written off my marriage and it was while I was in the "rebuilding" stage of my life that things came together for me and my H.

My H never denied the abuse, has apologized profusely, and has consistently attended therapy sessions for 2+ years. And he wasn't only going to therapy for ME, he was going for HIM, because he continued it during the times when I was with another man and the marriage was sooooo over. I truly believed that my H had, and still has, the desire the change.

One interesting distinction my therapist made: she has met my H. She doesn't believe the abuse was ever about ME; ie. he didn't intend or want to hurt me. It was about his inability to cope (I think I've told you about our sons) with life on life's terms. He was acting out on his own stuff and I happened to be the recipient, he wasn't trying to hurt me. In other words, none of his actions were malicious. They were thoughtless, inconsiderate, damaging, and yes, abusive, but they were never about me. I don't know how to better explain this distinction, but I hope you understand what I'm saying.

One last thing, Dharma, you sound like an awesome and interesting person. You deserve to have a good and happy life, and if you suspend your disbelief, you have a higher power who loves and cares for you and wants you to be happy. You just need to get out of His/Her way. Love and hugs to you, honey!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: momesq1991
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:05am
Momesq~

LOL...I've been waiting and looking for your response here, had a "feeling" you would respond to my post here.

Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. One 'camp' believes its a sign, others believe it is just a coincidence and that I could just be seeking out signs. I think I'm somewhere in the middle.

What I do know, though, is that I have searched my heart and my ability to trust him is gone. I will always be left with the feeling of "when will this end?" I can't even tell you how many times I practiced "forgive and forget" and tried to move on, only for things to continously occur. My ability to forgive and forget has been annihilated.

I told my h that only time will tell if the changes he is willing to make are true. However, I do not plan to stick around and "wait". I've waited 15 years....7 years this past time. I told him if he truly does "love" me....then he won't contest the grounds of divorce, that he won't be unreasonable during the divorce and he will continue to go through counseling for HIMSELF. He can prove to me the man he is through his actions, but as long as we are together, I will always fear that it won't be permanent. I told him we could always consider "dating" after the divorce (LOL...crazy as it sounds)...but right now, I have SO much healing to do from this marriage and from other past experiences. I have to grow much stronger as an INDIVIDUAL--and that was something he feared the most (and ended up trying to control)---my individuality. My freedom to be me frightened him, and caused him to be controlling---whether going out with friends, going to school or working. He was only comfortable with me in the house, having babies, cooking and cleaning. And if you know anything about me....that is NOT me. I *tried* to make that me....and that made my h SO happy...but I've been miserable for YEARS as a result. When you work against the grain, and go against your nature, it only creates misery.

There are many good qualities about him, but he has his baggage to clean up. And that's no longer my job to do help him. Maybe after time, he'll just decide to move on to someone else. Maybe he'll show me his true colors. Maybe he'll change.

All I know is that I've cried too long and held on to hope for too long. I'll never feel good about divorce...it was never my intent to do so. I would have never had 4 kids had I thought this would be the end result. But I know that its time to move on. But its hard...and there is so much grief and loss.

As for your situation.....I've heard its common for couples to react in similar ways to you and your h, esp. with the death of a child. Very rarely do couples survive such trauma. I believe and understand you what you said about your T. take on h's behavior. Unfortunately, this is not the same situation with my h. He simply chose his behavior because....?????? (this is what he saw growing up? I allowed it? he believes women are second class citizens?....who knows).

As for the job, the guy I interviewed with yesterday called me to clarify some questions I had during the interview. During our conversation, I told him I should take myself out of the running due to the amount of traveling...and I told him I had kids, and I didn't want to waste anyone's time in thinking that I could take the job when I probably couldn't. His response?

He wouldn't take no for an answer. He said he and the entire staff were SO impressed with me that he really wants me to come back for the 2nd interview with the Regional Director. He said that they ALL have families, and while he couldn't say that I wouldn't travel, they also are understanding about it too. So I said "ok, consider me back in"

LOL...I don't know if I screwed myself out of a good job or I gained respect by being honest. Hopefully, I'll get the job and begin a career in crimefighting and snaking out corruption in labor unions (LOL).

Thanks again for your response...it really means a lot!!!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: momesq1991
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:45pm
Momesq~

I re-read your post...and read my again. Gosh, I'm turning into a nut job. Please email me....I have some questions for you. Click on my name and send me an email through that, because I don't want to post it here. I would really like to hear what you have to say on some things.

Thanks!

dharma