Following your heart or your head?
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Following your heart or your head?
| Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:45pm |
Realizing that things would never be as I wanted them to be, but just not able to walk away I was seeing how the issues were literally changing who we were when we were together, and I didn't want for that to be happening to us as what we shared was much to special to allow for things to come down to that. So, in not wanting things to get to the point of destroying the memories of all of the great times we once shared, I decided to write my MM a letter explaining just that. As I didn't want to have to end it with feeling hurt or angry.
Well, I gave him my letter tonight and as he sat there and read it, over and over I kept telling myself in my head that I was making the right choice finally with bringing things to an end. But, in my heart so badly I wanted to rip it from his hands and tell him that I made a mistake and not to read it, because I knew that I didn't want it to end, I wanted for him to tell me that he needed me and loved me and that he was going to go home and tell her so that we could finally be together. But, I didn't and when he finished reading it he took my hand in his and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and said that he didn't realize how much this was hurting me and tearing me apart, and that he couldn't do this to me anymore. He told me that he loved me entirely to much to do this to me any longer. And for a brief moment I thought that meant that he was finally going to do it, he was finally going to go home and tell her and leave. But before I even had a chance to respond with a smile, he finished his sentence with saying that he knew what needed to be done, and that he wasn't going to see me until he did just that. And just like that my heart hit the floor. I wasn't sure if I should be flattered that he was willing to do right by me, or if this was just a line he was feeding me to lesson the pain & drama that always comes with goodbyes. Regardless, it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was one of consequences I knew existed but really wasn't prepared to deal with. And before I had given any thought to why I had written the letter in the first place, I found myself telling him not to do this. Reminding him that he had always told me that he would let the decision of ending it (for my sake) be my decision. Now how messed up is this sh**! He then reminded me that he has allowed me to make that decision and that it was obvious that I wasn't able to do so with my best interest at heart. Anyway, we left things with us meeting over the weekend for lunch to talk about it further. But after thinking about it, I'm starting to wonder is this just a game that married guys play with us, letting us believe that we are the ones in control over this whole situation when in fact they really are??????? Don't know how to handle this one, and need advice real fast.
Well, I gave him my letter tonight and as he sat there and read it, over and over I kept telling myself in my head that I was making the right choice finally with bringing things to an end. But, in my heart so badly I wanted to rip it from his hands and tell him that I made a mistake and not to read it, because I knew that I didn't want it to end, I wanted for him to tell me that he needed me and loved me and that he was going to go home and tell her so that we could finally be together. But, I didn't and when he finished reading it he took my hand in his and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and said that he didn't realize how much this was hurting me and tearing me apart, and that he couldn't do this to me anymore. He told me that he loved me entirely to much to do this to me any longer. And for a brief moment I thought that meant that he was finally going to do it, he was finally going to go home and tell her and leave. But before I even had a chance to respond with a smile, he finished his sentence with saying that he knew what needed to be done, and that he wasn't going to see me until he did just that. And just like that my heart hit the floor. I wasn't sure if I should be flattered that he was willing to do right by me, or if this was just a line he was feeding me to lesson the pain & drama that always comes with goodbyes. Regardless, it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was one of consequences I knew existed but really wasn't prepared to deal with. And before I had given any thought to why I had written the letter in the first place, I found myself telling him not to do this. Reminding him that he had always told me that he would let the decision of ending it (for my sake) be my decision. Now how messed up is this sh**! He then reminded me that he has allowed me to make that decision and that it was obvious that I wasn't able to do so with my best interest at heart. Anyway, we left things with us meeting over the weekend for lunch to talk about it further. But after thinking about it, I'm starting to wonder is this just a game that married guys play with us, letting us believe that we are the ones in control over this whole situation when in fact they really are??????? Don't know how to handle this one, and need advice real fast.

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Emma
""I'm starting to wonder is this just a game that married guys play with us, letting us believe that we are the ones in control over this whole situation when in fact they really are??????? ""
Hey it seems like your starting to catch on, It's called stringing you along it's in there genes.
F
Finally, one day, it was as though I took my shoulders and shook myself and said 'For goodness sake woman - would you look at what you're doing - to yourself, to your family and to his family! This is a sick pattern you have both got into and only you can break it. Would you open your eyes and face real life??' Ever since, things have got better and better for me. THe longer you stay away the clearer your vision becomes.
In your case, I think you'd do both of you a huge favour to have some time a part. He does need to see what life is without you so he can decide where he's going and you need to see that you are just fine without him. Yes, you'd like to have him in your life if he chooses to be single and available, but you don't need him like this. It will only hurt you - and him. It really comes down to doing the right thing and helping him to do the right thing. You can do it!
In their genes? Really? And I, one of the male species, thought it was my emotional needs left previously unattended that inspired me to seek my solace for 17 years in affairs.
Thanks for setting me straight, mfn.......
My last affair ended about 5 or so years ago when I married my last OW.
And my "genes" stopped acting up giving me those urges to play any more mind games with my head and seek another woman......
Or is it possible that it's not in the genes wherein the desire to play head games and string others along (male or female) but rather within one's emotional being seeking solace/revenge for emotional needs not being addressed?
Please don't paint all men (or women) as being genetically challenged. I don't believe it's fair to use such a sweeping brushstroke.
cl-nre
I did not paint all men just those that string women along.
If it is in the genes maybe it stops because them there genes just get to old to play anymore. LOL
F
Point well taken, however, it's not only men that do the stringing along.....it just seems that way when the majority of posters here are female.
I often wonder what it is in the dynamic of these relationships that creates a situation of being willing to be strung along by a fence-sitter or worse yet, a deceitful player taking advantage of the other participant's weaknesses. My thoughts return to an emotional deficiency rather than a genetic deficiency.
Whatever the source, my bottom line is that taking advantage of someone else's heart for purposes of one's own emotional or physical relief is despicable and perpetrators should be banished in order to stop the continuation of the painful actions.
In other words, no contact.
cl-nre
It may be in 'jeans'
of some men and women until they figure out what they want out of
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