Following your heart or your head?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Following your heart or your head?
13
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:45pm
Realizing that things would never be as I wanted them to be, but just not able to walk away I was seeing how the issues were literally changing who we were when we were together, and I didn't want for that to be happening to us as what we shared was much to special to allow for things to come down to that. So, in not wanting things to get to the point of destroying the memories of all of the great times we once shared, I decided to write my MM a letter explaining just that. As I didn't want to have to end it with feeling hurt or angry.



Well, I gave him my letter tonight and as he sat there and read it, over and over I kept telling myself in my head that I was making the right choice finally with bringing things to an end. But, in my heart so badly I wanted to rip it from his hands and tell him that I made a mistake and not to read it, because I knew that I didn't want it to end, I wanted for him to tell me that he needed me and loved me and that he was going to go home and tell her so that we could finally be together. But, I didn't and when he finished reading it he took my hand in his and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and said that he didn't realize how much this was hurting me and tearing me apart, and that he couldn't do this to me anymore. He told me that he loved me entirely to much to do this to me any longer. And for a brief moment I thought that meant that he was finally going to do it, he was finally going to go home and tell her and leave. But before I even had a chance to respond with a smile, he finished his sentence with saying that he knew what needed to be done, and that he wasn't going to see me until he did just that. And just like that my heart hit the floor. I wasn't sure if I should be flattered that he was willing to do right by me, or if this was just a line he was feeding me to lesson the pain & drama that always comes with goodbyes. Regardless, it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was one of consequences I knew existed but really wasn't prepared to deal with. And before I had given any thought to why I had written the letter in the first place, I found myself telling him not to do this. Reminding him that he had always told me that he would let the decision of ending it (for my sake) be my decision. Now how messed up is this sh**! He then reminded me that he has allowed me to make that decision and that it was obvious that I wasn't able to do so with my best interest at heart. Anyway, we left things with us meeting over the weekend for lunch to talk about it further. But after thinking about it, I'm starting to wonder is this just a game that married guys play with us, letting us believe that we are the ones in control over this whole situation when in fact they really are??????? Don't know how to handle this one, and need advice real fast.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:09pm
Geez, I could have written that myself.We always have that teeny tiny part of us that hopes that they will suddenly stand up and say This is it!Im gonna go tell her right now! and actually go and do it.My MM did the same thing about 9 months ago when he told me he wouldnt see me anymore until he was free.He couldnt stand what he was doing to me, and he thought that being away from me would force him to miss me so much that he wouldnt be able to take it anymore.Well, that lasted a whole 2 days I think.Dont let him have that control over you!I dont think you should even meet with him to discuss further.What more is there to discuss?It will be too easy for you to fall into more hoping.You shouldnt do that to yourself.Take this as the first step into really moving on.If he's really serious he will do it for real.In the meantime, youre not waiting for anything.Honey, if I could only listen to my own advice I really wouldnt be here I guess :( I know how much it hurts letting go, but sometimes wishing hurts just as much the more time goes by and nothing happens.You wrote the letter possibly in hopes that your words of finality would suddenly open his eyes?I know I do the same thing, I threaten to back away, but in the back of my mind Im hoping that it will punish him just enough so that He will finally do what it takes to be with me and I wont even have to get as far as a goodbye.Make any sense?Think long and hard, but really I wouldnt meet with him any further.JMHO

Emma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:39pm


""I'm starting to wonder is this just a game that married guys play with us, letting us believe that we are the ones in control over this whole situation when in fact they really are??????? ""

Hey it seems like your starting to catch on, It's called stringing you along it's in there genes.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 12:20am
I know that what your saying makes complete sense, as I've told myself the same exact thing so many times only to let myself down when I couldn't follow through. But, what took me by surprize was his insistance on having to do this, and if this was just his way of trying to turn the situation around to lure med back into the loop then why didn't he jump at the first opportunity when I begged him not to make that decision? If only NC was a possibility between us, but unfortuneately it's not as we work together and hold significant roles within the work place which requires us to communicate with one another constantly, no getting around it. If it came down to it, I guess we would have no other choice but to keep the conversation strictly to business, but I know that would be very ackward for both of us and it would probably force one of us to resign our position, which wouldn't be a smart move for either one of us. I felt that since we are where we are it would be best to try to end things on a friendly civil note, if at all possible. But, here he is offering to do just that I'm the one asking him to continue.....what the hell is wrong with me? I realize my biggest fault here was making a request that I really didn't want, but was anticipating that the request would produce other results. I'm so mad at myself, I really felt that I was a much stronger person than this, but then again I've never been in a situation where I had no control over getting what it was that I wanted. Facts as they are, he was never available to make mine. I just wish that I could put my foot down and stick to it, but how can that hapoen if it's not really what you want?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 8:58am
Oh honey... I feel so bad, I know how hard this has to be for you. You know what you have to do, though! You know you have to listen to your head this time and follow through, for lots of reasons. If you don't he'll know you'll always be willing to accept second best, ie., "the crumbs" you get from him, as someone else said here today; and you'll know that, too! You deserve so much more for yourself. In your head you know that. It will hurt, it hurts for all of us, but I hope you can be strong!!
Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 9:01am
I know what you're saying - there are parts of you that definitely don't want to end the relationship, but I'm also hearing there are parts of you that do. Otherwise you wouldn't have written the letter right? I have been where you are and for so long it kept me in a pattern of breaking up, missing him, going back to him, etc. When I missed him, I would ignore 'the facts' so that I would allow myself to go back. Once I was back, reality would always crawl back in though - I just couldn't ignore it forever.

Finally, one day, it was as though I took my shoulders and shook myself and said 'For goodness sake woman - would you look at what you're doing - to yourself, to your family and to his family! This is a sick pattern you have both got into and only you can break it. Would you open your eyes and face real life??' Ever since, things have got better and better for me. THe longer you stay away the clearer your vision becomes.

In your case, I think you'd do both of you a huge favour to have some time a part. He does need to see what life is without you so he can decide where he's going and you need to see that you are just fine without him. Yes, you'd like to have him in your life if he chooses to be single and available, but you don't need him like this. It will only hurt you - and him. It really comes down to doing the right thing and helping him to do the right thing. You can do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 9:35pm
Before I decide to even bring the subject up I try to tell myself that if I'm not willing to follow through then there is no sense in bringing it up at all because every time I threaten and then not follow through he tends to withdraw, like he's building this wall to protect himself from getting really really hurt as he knows the end is coming soon for me, and lately it seems like just when he is finally allowing me beyond that wall again is when things start to bother me again and once again we find ourselves back at the same point. Is that what it takes for some people to repeat the same process over and over agin until it just simply gets to be old and then and only then they've reach the point where they've had enough to walk away? I sure hope I'm not in that category. Anyway, he is due down tomorrow night and I'm going to do my best to keep every word that I've read in the last couple of days in my head when I stand my ground. Wish me luck ladies, as my success I owe to all of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 9:47pm

In their genes? Really? And I, one of the male species, thought it was my emotional needs left previously unattended that inspired me to seek my solace for 17 years in affairs.


Thanks for setting me straight, mfn.......


My last affair ended about 5 or so years ago when I married my last OW.


And my "genes" stopped acting up giving me those urges to play any more mind games with my head and seek another woman......


Or is it possible that it's not in the genes wherein the desire to play head games and string others along (male or female) but rather within one's emotional being seeking solace/revenge for emotional needs not being addressed?


Please don't paint all men (or women) as being genetically challenged. I don't believe it's fair to use such a sweeping brushstroke.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 10:59pm
HEY

I did not paint all men just those that string women along.

If it is in the genes maybe it stops because them there genes just get to old to play anymore. LOL

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 2:04am

Point well taken, however, it's not only men that do the stringing along.....it just seems that way when the majority of posters here are female.


I often wonder what it is in the dynamic of these relationships that creates a situation of being willing to be strung along by a fence-sitter or worse yet, a deceitful player taking advantage of the other participant's weaknesses. My thoughts return to an emotional deficiency rather than a genetic deficiency.


Whatever the source, my bottom line is that taking advantage of someone else's heart for purposes of one's own emotional or physical relief is despicable and perpetrators should be banished in order to stop the continuation of the painful actions.


In other words, no contact.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 3:28am

It may be in 'jeans'Pants 2 of some men and women until they figure out what they want out of

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