tell me whatcha think.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
tell me whatcha think.....
6
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 11:29pm
First of all, thanks so much for all of your posts. They are very helpful. I have been married for the last eight years and have been in an off and on affiar for six years with the same man. My husband is great, we get along well, he adores me, he is a good dad etc. I just can't seem to forget about OM. I think about him all the time. I don't get to see him much, but when I do it's very intense and sad when it's time to say good-bye. We are both getting sick of the situation though. Which is good for me, I really want it over one way or another. He wants to be together. I also want to be with him. However, the practical side of me knows that it isn't going to be that glamorus in the real world with kids involved. I don't want to hurt him. I know that I have held him back in his life and kept him from pursuing other things. Which is very selfish of me. He has kept me from being a good wife at the same time. I don't treat my husband like I should. I am just so ready for something to be done one way or the other. I find myself telling OM what he wants to hear. That is so bad....I know. I have talked to H recently about splitting. He doesn't seem to be willing to go that route. It's just really sad since kids are in the mix. My best bet is to put OM behind me. I just am having SUCH a hard time doing it. Any suggestions?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 12:13am
HI Con

You may want to start by considering the basic info, such as the fact that the large majority of affair based relationships fail something like 95 percent fail in the first year that the people get together full time.

As the saying goes the best way to kill an affair is to live together 24/7, that is when you get to know the real person and not the one you have created in your mind.

If things are good with your husband your more likely to end up happier with him then OM, if you wreck you kids life for him there going to end up possably resenting him and you for a very long time to come.

If you need help ending consider IC to help you deal with the emotions, you will learn that there mostly not what you think they are.

GOOD LUCK

F

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 10:27am
I think you posted this same post a while back. You are still looking for answers. Noone can tell you what to do in a situation like this. Having an affair turns us into liars. You are not only lying to your husband but now you are lying to the OM telling him what he needs to hear. With all this lying that is going on how do you expect to be honest with yourself? You are a cake eater and you need to make a decision. If you have no intentions of leaving your H then you can either have your OM on the side for another six or more years or end it once and for all so that you both can go on with your lives. Those are your choices. Pick one or the other but for Pete's sake stop torturing yourself and expecting someone else to come up with a solution that doesn't exist.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 11:11am
Thanks so much for your input. I feel like I am making a step to ending it and being straight forward about it with him. I wrote him an email, just ot get it off my chest, but I didn't send it. I am working toward sending it. I know that I would be in those stats that you mentioned. I have to keep rememebering that! I have been trying to not call him back when he has called the last two weeks. I actually went two weeks without talking to him. I just wish that he would end it so I woulnd't have to. I know that's not the thing to do....but I am working (baby steps) toward telling him striaght up. geezzzzzz....I am so glad that he is so many states away from me. I don't have easy access to him at all. I would be in big trouble if I did. Anyway, thanks so much for the advice. By the way what's IC? Have a great day. I think I am going to go to church! I need it...lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 12:15pm

I agree with shescomeundone....I am very sure you've posted before AND you got some very straight-forward advice then as well as now. It simply isn't what you care to hear or follow. Perhaps this time you'll choose to listen to my advice. Perhaps not. It's your life...............I already lived 17 years of lies and am out on the other side. Now it's your turn:


GET OFF THE FENCE.


STOP THE SELFISHNESS.


You're hurting yourself, your husband, your OM and your children with your lack of willingness to step up to the plate and make a decision and FOLLOW THROUGH, either with H or with OM.


Ultimately you stand on the sidelines of a full life accepting snippets here and there when you have the ability to make a decision.


Make a choice.


Live through it.


Evaluate.


Change decision path based upon experience and evaluation.


Do it again.


And again.


And keep moving forward with both eyes open, above board, setting an example for your children and everyone else around you of what a person with integrity lives a life.


Yes, you CAN do it.


Get moving.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 6:59pm
HI Con

IC = Individual Counceling.

He will not end it way would he, that may happen if he meets someone else but he may still want to keep you for a side dish so to speak.

Baby steps is how most of us started changing things so thats ok, start takeing them today.

You will have setbacks don't give up.

Church can realy help some people.

good luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 7:17pm
I've just come from being where you are and I know its very difficult. The previous posters are so right, though. Fortunately, I came to realize, and believe, that I could not end my marriage, and I couldn't live with myself living with my H and seeing my OMM every spare minute I had. A's can be deceptive - I truly didn't realize how much the time I spent with my OMM was taking away from the quantity and quality of time I could have been spending with my family. I also began to see OMM for what he was - a reasonably handsome man with a mediocre job, some personal issues, and no future. Once I realized that I would absolutely without a doubt have fallen in to the 95 percent of people whose affairs don't make good marriages, I had to let OMM go. He wanted an exclusive relationship and future together and I wasn't ready. I kept thinking maybe one day I would be ready, but we spent 2 years together and I can safely say that while I'm sure I loved OMM, I would never be ready to spend the rest of my life with him. My H, on the other hand, we've been separated and have some definite issues and problems to work through, but I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. We do tend to glamorize the OMM and nothing about an A has any basis in reality. They are purely an escape. As soon as you realize, and truly believe, these things, your decision will almost make itself. You will not be able to live with yourself. JMHO.

mo 7-18-10