another day and i am struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
another day and i am struggling
5
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:42am
So today is day 3 (when i say day 3 i dont include weekends since we never spoke on the weekend) of no contact. I know it doesnt seem long but it feels like an eternity. I felt so proud of myself at the end of the day yesterday. A little sad but proud at the same time that I had managed to go through an entire day w/o contacting him. Ok here is the question:

We met last week. And since then we spoke a couple of times. Friday we had some strange email dialogues. Since then we both havent emailed or spoken to one another. Its almost like we both decided in our minds that this has to come to an end but never discussed it. Then I start getting paranoid thinking, did I do something wrong when we met? Did I say something wrong? I know in my mind that I am trying to end but what is he thinking?

So, back to the question: Do I contact him? Email him and just ask him whats wrong? Ask him if he is trying to walk away? Or do I just continue not contacting him and seeing what he will do. And so then what if he contacts me. Then what? At that point do I tell him we have to end it "officially". Do I act normal like everything is fine. What if he never calls me either. Then we both walk away never having discussed it? And does discussing it ever fix anything? Does it ever resolve it or are we just chasing after something that can never exist. So do I need to contact him or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:04am
You're obsessing, which is going to lead you nowhere. It's like an alcoholic or someone who quits smoking. The second you give in to that addiction again (and this IS like an addiction...LOVE in general is like an addiction) it'll feed itself and you'll be sucked back in before you know it.

If you could talk to him again, what would you say? Write it out here. Or just write it in a letter you know you'll never give to him. But the longer you sit and stew on this and worry about what he's thinking and what's going on in his head, the harder it's going to be on you. You can't control what's going on in his mind or his life or even whether he calls you or not. All you can do is control what goes on in YOUR mind.

Infidelity is wrong, no matter how we try to pretty it up in our heads to justify it. Our behavior affects everyone around us and to borrow something xMM likes to say, when you are doing what's wrong in your life, everything around you starts to fall apart. My marriage was never more miserable than when things were going good with xMM. Was I happy? I thought I was...happier than I'd been in years. But in reality the only time I was happy was during the few moments I could steal with xMM every day. Now that my life is back to normal, I may not be blissfully over-the-moon happy, but I feel freer than I have in years. Seek that freedom for yourself. Move toward it. Trust that in time it will be easier. Just ask yourself this... At the end of today if you've made it through once again without calling him, how will you feel? How will you feel if you give in and call him? My guess is like complete crap! Is it worth it? Doubtful. Nothing can be said out loud that is going to make the silent, dignified goodbye you had any easier. At least now you can leave the relationship knowing you were truly loved and may always be loved, but the relationship just couldn't be...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:46am
I just responded to your other HELP post. Of course this is difficult and you feel like crap. Try to focus on how good you felt at the end of the day when you didn't contact him, and if you really, really want to end the A, don't contact him again - no matter what! It isn't important what he's thinking or how he's feeling. There's no protocol for the proper way to end an A, or any other relationship for that matter. A's are, by their very nature, improper and without any protocol or guideless. Etiquette goes out the window!

I totally agree with the previous poster who likened NC to an alcoholic or addict having "just one hit." It doesn't work and you'll be right back where you started.

It's a new day. Post here as many times as you need to to make it thru this day without contacting the OMM! Try this: I'm in recovery, and we make a promise not have a drink or drug "Just for today." So why not tell yourself "Just for Today" I'm not going to contact him. If I feel that I absolutely must, I'll contact him tomorrow. But not today. That way the concept of NC doesn't seem so overwhelming. Break it down into manageable time periods if one day is too long for you right now. Tell yourself you won't contact him until after lunch. After lunch, tell yourself that you can wait until after work. After work, tell yourself you can wait until this evening, etc. You get the idea. And do whatever you need to do during those waiting periods to get thru. I recommend posting here, writing letters you won't ever send to him, meditating, listening to music, exercising or any other activity that keeps you focused on yourself and creates positive energy.

We are here for you. So "just for today," no contact, right Dipss?????

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:15am
I know your right. I do obsess when it comes to him. God its hard isnt it? I promise to try to get through this day. I feel a bit sick about the whole thing. I wish I could just get him out of my head! Will that ever go away? I guess time will tell. Not sure I can do this but God knows I am trying. UGH!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:20am
So no email then right? No need for an official goodbye? OK! No contact...for today, and then tomorrow will be another day. One day at a time. I guess that must be the right strategy. thanks. :)

These moments of weakness really do take their toll on you. whew!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:49am
HEY

NO CONTACT PERIOD, no e-mails no phone calls no visits, do not return calls or mails.

Any attempt to discuss it can lead right back to the affair and put your emotions back to square one, do you want to start this all over again.

Forget closure it is not going to happen.

What is going on in his head is not your concern worry about your own head and keep it pointing in the right direction.

NOW SAY WITH ME "NO CONTACT" 50 TIMES

Free