Impact on me compared to XMM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Impact on me compared to XMM
6
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 12:43pm
what makes me crazy is that the emotional A that i had with XMM seems to have not affected his life at all, while my A helped push my H into his own A; and i live with all of that daily, still!

I drove by my XMM's house in December --we live close togehter, but i never do this. His house was ablaze with lights and people and festitvitiy and fun. My house is like a morgue! everyone is sooo unhappy.

I took our A seriously; it has changed my life--temporarily for the worse, but hopefully in the future, i will have learned something from it.

The A has had a huge impact on my life. Apparently, not so much with him. I don't know. it just makes me mad. I don't mean him harm--and i certainly don't want XMM to go thru what i have been going thru, but i don't know, it just hurts that i still hurt and he seems to have moved on.

Lessons learned.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 9:39am
clarice~

I know how you feel right now...as I have been in that same place, as I am sure many of the women have been. What you must realize is that by having the affair, you were using your exMM to stop the pain in your life, by not dealing directly with what needed to be dealt with. There are some wounds in the marriage that were covered up by the bandage of the affair. When you recognize that you and ONLY YOU can create your own happiness, you'll find that your ability to let go of the situation, of the emotions (the anger, the hurt) increases. Slowly, but surely. As you work on yourself, you'll find that you will view the affair with much more clarity and see it for what it was. It doesn't mean that you won't have days where you will miss, because you will (we are human)....but its just not as painful.

I just posted this website to another on this board, but I'll throw it in here as well in case you don't read that post.

www.joy2meu.com

There is a LOT of stuff in there that may (or may not) help you deal with your current emotions.

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:04am
It breaks my heart everyday (okay, every other day...lol) that he could dismiss me and move on so much easier than what I have. I know that we had some very ugly situations, and I know that my fence sitting lead to the end of our relationship, and I'm getting a dose of the pain I caused. But if I just knew that he missed me or had cared about me maybe I wouldn't feel like all this heart break was for nothing. It just seems so sad!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:29am
it is sad. it is sad to find someone who is so right for you and you can't have them: because of circumstances, time, religion, family and community structures. My XMM went to college together and did not know that we had. Our paths have crossed many times. We have often said: what if we had met then? But we both know, that the people that we became, 20 years later, are the people that we both fell in love with.

He had every single thing i wanted: and i could not have any of it. I wouldn't have been attracted to him without these institutions surrounding him: his amazing family connections; his place in our community; his work with his church.

if we had ever been together, he wouldn't have been those things; and if we were together now, all those things would fall away and he would only be a shadow of himself.

Each day, i go between loving him and hating him. I swing back and forth wildly. I love him and i hate him. I hate he was put in my life to point out only what i don't have.

Why, why, why? why did this all happen?

It is sad, Karry. It's very very sad.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:39pm
You know it is funny the way fate works. When I met my OM my husband and I had just reconcialed after a brief seperation. I basically took him back because I was lonely, scared, depressed and a billion other things in between. Of course less than 2 months later I meet someone who was the person of my dreams. Smart, successful, funny, good connections, not to mention beautiful to look at. I felt such a connection to him. He wasn't the first man to approach me and I had never been tempted in this extreme before. I thought he was the answer to my prayers for what I should do with my life and my marriage in particular. But then I got caught up in the fact that I work part time, rely on my husband financial (even though thanks to him we don't have anything to begin with), benefits and things like that. I didn't want to leave him and move in with my parents or go on assitance til I could find a job that allowed me to support myself. I thought i owed it to my daughter to stick it out and give it time.

In the end, my OM wasn't who envisioned at all really, we probably wouldn't have had the life I thought we would have. He would have always seen me as a cheater and a liar and I think he would never have had complete trust in me. But it doesn't stop me from loving him and hating him, from missing him and cursing the day I met him all at the same time.

I hope that these men were put in our lives for a purpose. I hate that knowing him has caused me to have to face what is lacking in my life every single day. And to make things more complicated I still can't make life decisions because my self esteem is at an all time low and I doubt every decision I make.

I'm not sure if you can relate to alot of this rambling. But thanks for posting things that make me feel as if I am not alone!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 4:41pm
I COMPLETELY understand what you're saying I wrote the same feelings in my post with the subject "He goes back to his normal life" which I think is under the NC section.

It'd be nice to know that you at least made a ripple in his life, wouldn't it? You know that you did, but I believe that men are just better able to compartmentalize their feelings than woman are. (This seems to be theme with me today since I wrote exactly that in an earlier post.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:04pm
Sit down tonight and force yourself to write a list of negative things about your MM and the relationship. When I finally did this it was really an eye opener...I have been so willing to gloss over the negatives because I was so sure that he was my soul mate! I so willingly made excuses for him. I still think he's a wonderful guy, but it's helped to have this list to refresh my memory whenever I thought I was going to die because I missed him so much.

I feel your pain.