ok...i screwed up! i emailed him....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
ok...i screwed up! i emailed him....
7
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 3:17pm
Damn it! I couldnt resist. Not sure what happened. A song came on the radio that reminded me of us and next thing I know I am writing him an email. And hit send. Then after I did it I was so mad at myself...I kept thinking what you guys said "NO CONTACT". So weak! I just felt like I needed to know why he hadnt contacted me. And if we were both deciding to walk away I needed to know.

My email to him:

Hi,



Not too sure what to write.....I have been doing a lot of thinking....you too? Tell me what your thinking. So I know why I havent contacted you, why havent you contacted me?

His email to me:

Hi-



I havent contacted you because I feel you were a little upset the other day and needed time to sort through everthing. I figured when the time was right you would contact me. I didnt want to push

My response:

I am upset. I am sad. I do miss you. My heart hurts. but....I need to walk away from you. I thought by you not contacting me you were thinking the same. Then I started thinking that maybe you were upset with me....and that really bothered me. Thought I did something to upset you. Then I thought you were disappointed by our meeting. Of course you know me, lots of things were going through my head.



So I have decided to walk away from us. Best for both. Not easy. No good way to do it. Wrote you a letter a few times...then deleted it. Figured no good would come out of rehashing any of this. It will never make sense. I am awful at "goodbye's".....they are so final and harsh.....and I know I have to.

His response:

I understand. The situation is tough to handle for both of us. Lets just say, "See you around"!



I am supposed to call __ back regarding drinks and I would like to meet up with him. I need to know if he knows that we were talking on a regular basis or does he think we spoke now and again. I dont want to refer to things if he is unaware that we speak. At the same time I dont want to pretend that I havent talked to you if he knows that we speak.

...........

Ok....yes a part I didnt mention...that my husband and him are kinda friends. I was friends with him first. Then we all started hanging out. My husband and I and his wife and I. Then we all stopped hanging out because his wife didnt feel comfortable with our friendship. My husband thought she was being silly. He knows we are still friends but his wife doesnt know.

I know, I know, I know...NO CONTACT! I messed up. I just needed to feel like we both knew it was ending. Right? Closure right? Ok, now what do I do?? Boy I am in some serious trouble. This really isnt easy. I dont know if I am strong enough. Its amazing isnt it we have such strength as women for most things but when it comes to the heart we are a mess!






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 3:36pm
Well, I didn't want to be the voice of dissent before about NC, but honestly, I think it is okay to have had a little "goodbye" email. Sometimes I think it is better to end it definitively instead of just starting NC without telling the OM you don't want to see him anymore. This way he knows where you stand and will hopefully respect your decision, rather than continuing to contact you hoping for an answer.

I hope you can find the strength to maintain NC now that you've told him goodbye. You're in a situation with your H and his W that has the potential to really get ugly if you keep the A going!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 3:52pm
I thought I would feel better but I dont. For some strange reason I feel worse. Why is that?? Maybe cuz' I hate goodbye's. So bad at them. It feels like a death. Feeling so sick now from all of this. Feeling like I cant breathe...feeling anxiety...my heart feels so heavy. More than the physical its the day to day contact that I can't bare to think I am losing. Sometimes I wish we could just be friends. We have tried that to and always end up breaking that. This sucks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 4:05pm
You are reminding me of my official "break-up" day. I remember how awful it felt. But, I am glad we did end it that way, ie., "officially" and with loving, kind, sad words. I know I grieved, hard, for awhile after that. Still occasionally do. You have to grieve it to get over it! It helps to acknowledge what you are feeling, allow yourself to be sad and cry. I promise if you can stick with it, it will all get so much better, and you will end up so much better off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 4:11pm
you seem so strong. how long has it been that you have ended it? are you happier now? do you have any regrets? did you love the OM? I know your right about everything...but it still feels awful. Right now I cant imagine living w/o him but yet I cant live with him. I also dont want to lose what I have right now. Truth be told, its not a bad situation I have. I just happened to fall in love with someone else. Thanks again for all your support. I really do appreciate it. :)

ps - i know i seem like a looney but i really am pretty normal. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 4:43pm
I think I am strong, now. Haven't always been, though! I really did love my xMM. We were together for 5 years. I am married w/ 2 kids. He is married, has one child with his first wife (who left him for a man she had an affair with), and no kids w/ his current wife -- who has also cheated on him repeatedly... He would have left his current wife for me in an instant if I would have agreed to it, I am sure of it. And you know how when people here advise you to make a list of negatives about him? I can't come up with much for that.

I tried ending the affair several times; we tried being purely "platonic" too. It never worked. I knew in my head that what we were doing was so wrong, and I hated the guilt that went with it. I hated knowing that I was jeopardizing everything that meant the world to me because I couldn't let go of this man. But I kept getting sucked back in, I don't know how. How it finally ended was, he found out his wife was having another affair. He was at a point where he had to decide once and for all whether to get a divorce or commit to working on his marriage (which is what he decided to do, and which I think was a bad decision, but hey, what can you do).... Ultimately, there was no way we could continue what we were doing if he was to get on with his life either way.

So that was at the very beginning of December. It has gotten better. I found this board after I emailed him in a moment of weakness a month ago. It has helped me SO MUCH. Just to have someone to talk to about it. To help give advice to other people has helped me to really think about my own situation.

I really AM so much happier now, even though I still miss him and the way the A made me feel a lot. But -- to be free of the guilt and the fear of being caught and the idea of being a horrible person -- it is such a good feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 5:21pm
I have been married for 6 years and I have a son. He is almost 2 years old. I cant imagine losing what I have and nor do I want to but yet it is still hard to let go of what I found with the OMM. You are strong. I cant imagine getting where you are. I hope I will. You are an inspiration. I will keep my head down and keep going. Try not to dwell in the pain or the emotion too much. I wish I could just get somebody to hypnotize me to forget the OM. It would be so much easier. It eats away at me. The thought of not being w/ him makes me crazy and eats away at me and then the thought of what I am doing and how wrong it is, is eating away at me too. My husband is so kind and loving. People see our family and always tell us what a beautiful family we have. I am scared that I have fallen out of love w/ my husband. I am not sure if this A just disillusioned me. One of the posts said that when we are having an A, we dont see that person in everyday situations, up late w/ the sick kids, grocery shopping etc, etc...and they are right. This OMM made me feel beautiful again. But I also felt ugly for what I have been doing. I then stop and think my God how would I feel if my husband did that to me. So wrong!

Anyway, to give you the latest update....we emailed a bit more. I actually said "Goodbye" in my email. You dont know me but that is BIG FOR ME!! I hate goodbye's, in fact I even hate writing it. But then he pissed me off cuz' he said "Goodbye!" with an exclamation mark. He knows I hate him to be mad at me. Again, there is no perfect way. I cant make myself sick about how he ended it w/ an exclamation mark.

I am glad you are much happier now and feeling better about yourself. I cant wait to get there too!!! :) Thanks Maybekatie!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:45pm
Just a little insight...don't you think that the wives that he had felt like he gave them a reason to have an A? Maybe there is something about his day to day real life behavior that led them to stray. Something that you will never know. You only see the fun and glamourus side to him. For me, I have to dwell on the negatives to help me with NC. It's hard to do when you love the OM but...can't keep it up forever you will never be happy.

My A has been on and off for 6 years! I have been married for 8 years. What a mess. I just sent my good-bye e-mail last night. I am feeling pretty good about it. One bonus I have is that he lives several states away. I know it must be hard when you can find the OM everyday! Hang in there though! You can do it!