Isn't this ironic...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Isn't this ironic...
3
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:45pm
A little background...I had an affair with a MM for two years that ended in February (ironically on our 2nd anniversary). The last year, our relationship had gotten progressively harder and we'd fight, end the relationship, and then end up together again. After our fight in February, he made it very clear that we had no future together because he and his wife were making progress on their relationship and he was planning to stay married.A About a week later he called just to see how things were going and was baffled that I didn't want to sit and chat with him. I said that he'd been able to reduce his feelings for me but I hadn't gotten there yet and talking to him was uncomfortable. After we hung up, I realized that my heart was pounding and I felt sick to my stomach...again. I left a message for him the next morning asking him not to call me again and said that maybe in 2 or 3 months I'd be able to talk to him and it wouldn't be so painful.

I spent the next two weeks trying my hardest not to think about him. The 2nd week I was trying to adjust to the belief that I would never talk to him again. I figured that pretty soon he'd be over me and not feel the need to contact me and I certainly wouldn't contact him. (I think men are so much better able to compartmentalize their feelings that it's so much easier for them to quickly get over relationships.)

Then I get an e-mail from him suggesting that some of his co-workers knew that we'd had an affair and that we'd broken up so he could work on his marriage. Since I used to work at the same place, he was asking if I'd told anyone. I called him to emphatically tell him that I hadn't told anyone about our affair, but that a lot of people knew we were friends and we knew the rumors were out there.

He then started to tell me that his wife had filed for divorce and that he'd lied about things getting better between them. He said things had been horrible at home and "he missed his friend (me)." Of course, my heart melted.

Since then we've spent some time together but he's very busy trying to find a place to live, negotiating his divorce, and spending time with his daughter. In addition, in the time we'd been apart, I'd made a lot of effort to make my life busier and move on so I've had a bunch of things going on.

Here's the ironic part...I just don't feel the same feelings for him that I used to. I keep wondering if I'm being perverse...now that he's available, I'm not as interested but I really don't think I'm that shallow (I hope.) I'm hoping that I feel less for him because our relationship had been so hard, he hurt my feelings during our last fight, and I was more successful this time in believing our relationship was over and beginning to move on. I spent a lot of time during our break up focusing on the negative aspects of our relationship and trying to make myself believe that I was glad it was over.

I just find it incredibly ironic that by the time he finally decides he's going to end his marriage, our relationship feels ruined. Sometimes I get kind of angry about that...he ruined our relationship because he had to decide what to do with a marriage that was all but over long before he met me. (I know that I don't know the whole story of his marriage...so maybe things weren't as bad between them as it appeared.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:30pm
Hi and welcome! What's really funny about your post is that my A started in February of 2002 as well. February 8, to be exact. And we also broke up about a week after our 2nd anniversary!

Sorry to hear that he's causing turmoil in your life. Sending you some healing vibes!!!!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 3:15pm
SN2004:

Some people may say that since the fantasy is over, the relationship is no longer appealing. I tend to think it is way simpler than that and that you hit the nail on the head... He ruined the relationship with his indecisiveness. That's what has happened to me. My A went on for so long that I have developed enormous negative feelings from everything my MM did to me. If my MM showed up on my doorstep tomorrow single, I would be very hard pressed to find the strength to forgive him for all of his previous actions. In fact, I'm not sure that I could. I think you are in the same place.

The effects of a longterm affair are just like the effects of being in a bad marriage (I've been in both). Sometimes, you reach a point where the person hurts you so badly so many times, you just shut down. I don't think it's so much ironic as predictable. A MM that doesn't see what pain he inflicts on an OW would think it was ironic. They can't figure out why you wouldn't finally want them because in their mind, they didn't do anything that horrible to turn you away... yeah, right. So, don't you buy into that nonsense, too. It's ok if you don't feel the same way about him anymore. There's nothing wrong with you and you aren't shallow for it. Besides, if I read it right, his W was the one who filed for divorce... oh, big balls there!!! If that's the case, it's not like he risked everything in his life to be with you. I wouldn't want a guy on those terms either... plan B - call my OW and see if she's still available because wife dumped me.

I can't say you should stop seeing him altogether. I would just see how it plays out. If he is truly getting divorced, he's going to have to get his stuff together without you first. I'd also continue doing what you are doing. Be detached. If something comes along that you like better, go for it.

...smarter this time, intuitive, scarred...but, definitely not shallow.

BIRD

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 4:03pm
Thank you for your response. It was exactly what I needed to "hear."

Sometimes I get a little angry that he wasn't the one to file because that would have meant he chose to be with me, but to be honest, I really don't want that responsibility. There have been a couple of times when we were so in love and he was talking about leaving his wife and I'd get nervous and think "Sh*t, what if he leaves for me and then our relationship doesn't work out?" One of the big unknowns about a relationship that's built during an affair is what is fantasy and what is reality. I've said this before but he really knows everything there is there is to know about me and adores me anyway (or at least he did during the heat of the affair) and I have never been able to say that about someone before. The question is whether that would survive if we were in a "normal" relationship.

Another thing, in many ways this affair was the best relationship I've ever had. We were so close and did everything together (which gives you an idea of one of the reasons why his wife is so unhappy in their marriage). I honestly don't have that much faith in long term relationships...of all the marriages that I'm aware of, there are only a couple of them that I would say are happy. There's a part of me that believes that the best part of my relationship with MM is over because most relationships detiorate over time...that part of me just wants to run away. So, honestly, part of my "lack of feeling" for him is probably fear.