Ready to end affair... how to begin??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Ready to end affair... how to begin??
3
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 3:37pm
First, I want to explain my current thoughts on how my affair began, and how things stand now. I want to end things, but I'm overwhelmed by all my emotions and am not sure how to start. I'm afraid to hurt my other guy by breaking things off with him... and I'm terrified of confessing to my boyfriend as I know it will crush him. I know I am very very unhappy now, but I honestly don't know what will make me happy anymore. I just know things can't go on like they are. I can't keep doing this, it hurts too much and is unfair to everyone involved.

After being together for two years (and living together the second year), my boyfriend and I had to switch to a long-distance relationship. I knew this would be a difficult transition, but I truly love him and wanted to make it work. Emotionally I stayed committed, but after a while, I missed the physical attention.

I became involved with a guy I had been flirting with... I was very clear about the fact that I was in a relationship and that I just needed a "physical release"... but to make it "better" in my mind I made up silly rules... that we would not actually have sex and I wouldn't let him kiss me. I just wanted the physical attention.

Part of me felt constantly guilty right from the beginning. Another part of me craved the attention. I wished there was a way I could "lead a double life"... letting part of me stay committed to my guy and letting another part of me have fun with this other guy.

Eventually I gave in to the part of me that was seeking a thrill... I tried to convince myself I was happy with this double life. I was not happy. I was never happy, but I tried to tell myself I didn't want to stop. I fell into emotional chaos...

A couple times I attempted to break things off with my other guy (who, somewhat surprisingly, was truly supportive and never tried to pull me away from my boyfriend) but I'd always go back to him... because it was easy and because it satisfied that little part of me (and because part of me thought I loved him, in a way). I constantly regretted what I was doing... every time I was with him I would feel disgusting and hate myself, but I kept doing it... feeling almost "addicted" to him. I wasn't sure how to stop, and part of me didn't want to stop.

At first this had no affect on my relationship with my boyfriend. As things continued, however, I started to be more distant and more "grumpy" around him. I think this was partly a subconscious "sabotage"... that by pushing him away, I could partly justify what I was doing.

My other guy started developing real feelings for me, and I realized I had feelings for him. Not LOVE exactly, but something I hadn't expected. It was no longer just a physical thing, he was filling my emotional needs too. I think in a way I was using him to feel the emotions I had once felt for my boyfriend but had since ruined. I felt like I was happy in this "pseudo-relationship" I developed with my other, but I know I was just "playing boyfriend" with him, directing the emotions I should have been giving to my boyfriend towards him instead, since it was easier...

I began to consciously realize what I was doing, from a psychological angle, and was even more angry with myself. I don't want to keep going back. I want to repair things with my boyfriend and feel happy and satisfied with him again.

I have recently began a sort of forced "no contact" situation with my other as he shiipped off to Army basic training. I feel stronger now and committed to ending the affair and doing what I can to repair my relationship with my boyfriend.

I see myself facing three big tasks/obstacles that are rather intimidating and I don't really know where to begin:

1. I must deal with my own personal emotional issues. I know there is a reason I sought out "attention" and a reason I felt, for so long, like I couldn't get out of my situation.

2. I must repair my relationship with my boyfriend. I strongly feel I need to tell him about my infidelity. First, however, I need to find a way to address our needs in the relationship, to try to understand what may have led to this situation and prevent it from happening again. This will be especially difficult since it would be very hard to see a relationship counselor while we are living apart.

3. I need to officially break things off with my other. I do have contact with him through the mail. However, he is dealing with enormous emotional and mental stresses in his training, and I'd like to minimize the stress I add to his situation.

I feel good having assembled this list, but lost and overwhelmed about what to do now. Any suggestions, comments and support would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry this post is so long! Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:00pm
Hey weakstar, welcome! I feel bad that no one's responded to your post yet, but don't take it personally. It was a lot to get through, lol, and it is so hard to even begin to tell you how to begin. You sound like you do have a good plan of attack.

The biggest thing people will tell you here is NO CONTACT. If you truly want to move on and end the A, that seems to be rule #1. And I've come to be a big believer in it.

Also, you mentioned a relationship counselor. That sounds like it would be virtually impossible right now, but why not try IC (individual counseling)? Sounds like it could do you some good. If I could do it without raising suspicions here, I'd definitely would!

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:40pm
Hey,

I 2nd the welcome. I had a rough day today....didnt feel like my advice would be any good to anyone today. :(

BUT I think I had a major revelation today at the end of my day...which I am sure I will share w/ all of you but not tonight...going to spend time w/ my husband and son. :)

Goodnight!

ps - the people here are amazing....hope you didnt feel sad that nobody answered you. WELCOME! WELCOME!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 10:21am
This is just an opinion but I don't think telling your boyfriend about the other guy would do anything but hurt your relationship. I think men are much less forgiving than women are and the fact that you're still going to be separated is going to make it even more difficult for you to regain his trust. Unless you think he may eventually discover it I would keep this secret to myself.

It sounded suspect to me that you want to do this because you mentioned that you realized the way you were ruining the relationship you once had...sounds to me like this may be a way to completely destroy it. I'm not trying to be critical so please do not take it that way at all....I just think that you may not realize the consequences of telling your man about your affair.

The only positive thing about telling him I think is that you may feel more pressure to actually end things.

I hope everything works out for you.