Finally friday!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Finally friday!!!
1
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:37am
Well it's finally friday. I made it thru another week. It was tough tho at times. I've had a couple of hard days where my mind races and wonders. But I know that's just what happens. There has been NC at all since our last conversation and that's been a long time now. (Several weeks), the longest we have ever gone without speaking. I tell my self that he is gone for good. And I know that's what I need, but I still can't help but wonder..........

Is he okay?

Is this bothering him like it is bothering me?

Has he felt like he needed to call, like he has so many times in the past?

Or has he just moved on and found someone else to play with, since I would never "give it up"?

Is his heart breaking like mine?

I know these questions should not mean a thing to me, but I can't help but admit, they do. I fell in love with someone else. Never thought I ever would. Certainly never thought I'd have an affair. I was always honest with him about everything! Even about how the "thing" we had, and how it was just not right and it was based on lies and guilt. He never thought twice about the way it is to be played because he had done it before. And I guess maybe he just viewed it differently than me. One thing was certain, the hearts were not suppose to get in the way!!! And they did. He chased me for 2+years, trying to keep this affair going. I never asked him to do that. I encouraged him to always go and find someone else. He always felt like I was trying to get rid of him. I just wanted him happy, cause I could not meet his needs. Listen to me ramble on and on. Just some things I needed to get off my chest.

I feel that I am a compassionate person, always giving. Always having everybody's best interests at heart before my own, and of course XMM's too. I guess that is true. My friends swear that he was "playing" me all along, using me because of the way that I am. Adn they also feel that he will come back to me again. Atleast to see how I respond to his return. I hope they are wrong for my sake. Really, I guess like so many of us here, going thru this, I will wonder about him and wrestle with my feelings for a while. But I'll make it thru. I always manage somehow.

Have a good day, Thanks for the support!!!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:08am
Congrats on making it thru the week! I'm still counting days myself, so I can appreciate the "good" feeling of having some more time between us and our last contact with the OMM.

Sometimes I do wonder how my OMM is. He lives on a main street and I know that's no excuse for driving by his house but occasionally I find myself passing by anyway, and then I wonder if he's okay. I notice when his car isn't home, or if it is. I'm sure he's been with another woman by now because that was his M.O. He claimed that before he met me he had never been faithful before, including to his wife. Who knows whether that's true or not? It doesn't matter anymore.

Sometimes I feel like it was psychotic to just end the A out of the blue, over the phone, when he was 1,000 miles away on a business trip. No discussion leading up to it, I just blurted out that we were through. We hadn't been arguing or not getting along or anything, I just made a decision. Geez. He must have thought I was nuts! and that I'd call him within a few days explaining that pms or something was responsible for my irrational behavior that night. I've put myself in his shoes so many times, knowing that if he ended it with me so abruptly and unexpectedly I probably would have become a psychopath, stalking him and making unwanted phone calls, etc. So I do give him credit for just accepting my actions and moving forward with only a few attempts to reason with me.

And now I need to stop typing this, because I'm starting to focus tooo much on what he's doing right now. . .

Love and hugs to you!

mo 7-18-10