A REVELATION!!
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| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:55am |
Ok. So yesterday I opened the Joy2meu website. (thanks dhamra!!) Printed and began reading it. THIS WAS MY REVELATION! I am trying to figure out why this all happened. Of course like most, always over analysing things. But this is the strange thing, I dont really analyse myself but the feeling and thoughts of others. I never stop and think "why am I behaving this way???".
I know alot of you have said that we need to figure out why we got into this A situation in the first place. What was missing from our lives that made us go in this direction?? Truth be told I never really thought why I personally got into but more why it happened (if that makes sense). Well I am not one to get into too deep thoughts about myself. Tend to block that out. But this website kinda forced me to do some thinking. I then realized some things.
I really need to get my head on straight. I am a little messed up. The weird thing is that I do beleive that a lot of this stems from childhood. (I hate saying that but I do beleive that). Not that I had a bad childhood. I came from a nice family but my parents were often very critical of me. Was compared to my sisters, more one than the other all the time. I was always trying to prove myself to them. Show them that I was good and succesful. Moved away from home to go to NYC all by myself. Got a great job, got promoted and then moved onto another great job. But all through this time they never said they were proud of or gave me that re-inforcement that I had done well. Then I got married and they seemed to find fault in my husband (mind you everyone else who ever meets him loves him immediately and tells me how lucky I am). Then I have a child and my Mom finds criticisms with how I am raising him. Now I know they dont mean harm but I guess they just dont realize how hurtful this all becomes.
Again, it is amazing how parents can mess up the self confidence that children have and then how it affects them as adults. I dont think they even realize it. That is why I think my God I am responsable for ensuring my child grows up in a happy and safe environment. I owe it to my child to fix myself so that I can be a better parent.
OK. Sorry for the major therapy analyses BUT I think this may have something to do w/ alot of my actions. Alot of why I do certain things. I havent figured it out exactly BUT when I am always saying "why did this A happen"...I do believe everything in life happens for a reason...well maybe, just maybe (here comes the revelation...)it happened so that I can STOP and FIX myself to truly be able to enjoy life and live a life of love and happiness. So maybe just maybe that is why this happened??
So I kinda feel proud of this revelation. It made me feel stronger. Like I had uncovered some big mystery. At the end of the day I probably need some major IC but at this point in my life I feel guilty for doing that cuz' we just bought a new house and expenses are high and I wouldnt feel comfortable spending money on my mixed up head. So hopefully I can try to understand some of this through reading and talking to my "new friends" :)
I also decided a couple of things....I am going to work in the conference room today, away from my desk a bit, so I dont constantly look for emails from him. Change it up a bit. AND I refuse to listen to sad music that makes you want to crawl up in a corner and die. Positive music and positive thoughts to make me strong!
ps- just need to clarify one thing...yesterday when i sent my post that said "I need a "drink"....I just want you all to know I didnt mean that literally...just making the analogy to the addiction. I dont want you all to think that I am also an alcoholic, I have enough problems right now...besides I have the weakest tolerance to alcohol, dont think I could ever become an alcoholic (thank God) a couple of wines and I am dancing on tables. :)
Peace and happiness for us all today!
NO CONTACT! (at least for today ;)

One thing I learned when I entered recovery (I'm in a 12-step program) is that you need to suspend all reality about how you think things are going to be and feel, and know that anything is possible. You have no idea how you will feel about things before they actually happen. Unfortunately, many times we make decisions based on fear because we think that a certain choice will cause us too much pain; i.e. the decision to end an A. But once we make the decision to go forward on what we expect to be an uncomfortable path, we can surrender to the truth: that we have no idea what will come our way and how it will feel as it unfolds.
It also sounds like you're doing exactly the right things to maintain NC - you've changed a "place," your work environment, so you don't experience "triggers" all day. Good for you! It sounds like you really want to do this, and we'll all help you stay the course. Best of luck for a peaceful day! Love and hugs to you!
In particular I loved the notion that in life "we make decisions based on fear because we think that a certain choice will cause us too much pain; i.e. the decision to end an A. But once we make the decision to go forward on what we expect to be an uncomfortable path, we can surrender to the truth: that we have no idea what will come our way and how it will feel as it unfolds."
That is very true. The unknown is always scary. The unknown of how life will be w/o him in my life. Change makes us nervous and fearful. But it MUST be done. AND change can be GREAT! So I need to suck it up and try to move on. Find new things to keep me busy. My sister called me today and we have been tossing around different business ideas and she threw one out today that got me kinda excited. A new project I thought to myself to keep me occupied. I almost thought we should call this new business adventure "healing hearts". Who knows. :)
I am getting ahead of myself. But I find strength in people like you and katie and free and all the others here. I love reading your responses. I think if these ladies can do it so can I!! So I know I sound strong today and I can only pray that I can stay this way with each new day that awaits me. POSITIVE THOUGHTS. POSITIVE ENERGY. ITS THE ONLY WAY. Dwelling on what could have been or what should have been will only make us all crazy! Worse of all thinking "what is he thinking" (that is the killer for me personally). And you know what y'all, life is much too short to dwell on the past. I will try to learn from this and make my life better. With every end there is a new beginning and I need to find my new beginning!
I sound a little too optimistic dont I?? It kinda scares me. Hoping its not just a silly facade...whatever it may be, I will enjoy my optimism for TODAY.
NO CONTACT! (my new mantra)
You do sound wonderful, and Dipss, I don't think you can ever be TOO positive. The more positive energy you shore up during these stronger moments, the more positive energy you'll have to hang on to when those weaker moments hit, and they will. Mulling over new businesses is a wonderful way to distract yourself, even if they never materialize. I've actually been thinking along those lines myself and find it very motivating for a few reasons. First, I love a challenge, and second, it further reminds me that my OMM was just not a good intellectual fit for me. Its not like he was stupid or anything, but there was a vast difference in our education levels and he just wasn't very ambitious about his career. My H is a fast-tracker in a big pharmaceutical company and his intellect was always one of the most attractive things to me. Thinking about broadening my professional experience is a big turn-on and enough to keep from daydreaming about OMM.
Have a wonderful weekend, whatever you do. But I know one thing you WON'T do: contact your OMM, right! LOL. Hang in there, Dipss.
Anyway, today he was obviously upset and sulking all day. I said "look you can sulk all day or we can talk". Finally, he calmed down. We spoke. Went for dinner. I had my Chardonnay and guess what...like a ton of bricks this emotional yuck kinda feeling started taking over! I was so pissed!! Then I realised, yes this will not be an overnight ride. I am in for a long haul to fix this sad heart. BUT it will get fixed and it will be fine.
I digress again...sorry. Must be the wine...but overall day was good. Unfortunately, I barely got anything accomplished at work. Hoping Monday will be more productive. But I am PROUD TO SAY I MADE NO CONTACT!!! YAY! YAY! YAY!
How do you feel?