Not having anyone to fall back on is ...
Find a Conversation
Not having anyone to fall back on is ...
| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:23pm |
After reading alot of the posts on here I realize that most of the women on here are married, and I would have to suspect that when this is the case and you decide to end your A having NC must come easier for you rather for someone such as myself who has every minute of every day to think about him. I've always felt that when one person is single and the other married it is always easier for the married individual to go on with their lives after the fact as they more or less just absorb their time back doing things with the H and F. I know that people say that you should get involved with other activities to keep your mind off of things but that is so hard to do when you've just lost someone who you truly loved.

What you say is true to a point but you should also e=remember that a lot of the marriages in question can be in pretty rough shap and no joy to be in untell the couple put a lot of time and commitment into repairing them and that can take years of work.
If you want a future with a man of your own you have to do what you have to do there is no easy answer sorry to say, you have to get clear of MM long enought to be able to start considering the other men that are out there and there are alot of them what with the divorce rate.
Good luck
Free
It does help to find activities that make you happy, but you know, its not a magic pill, its not going to take the hurt away, but at least youre trying.
Hang in there!!
Emma
I forgot who started this thread, but it was about how being single sort of sucks when healing from the EMA. Well in a way it is hard because you are "alone". But going back to a H does not necessarily make it any easier. When I broke off the EMA I was still with my H and the pain I endured being separated from XMM actually drove me away from my H because I just realized that exH was never going to change and by that time I had changed more into what H wanted so I was really resentful that he wasn't budging at all. It's hard to put in this post but I know I tried my best with my H. He's not a bad guy we just had different goals and expectations of life. By the time I left we were living separate lives, practically like roommates. I didn't want a marriage like that. The companionship was nice, but I just wanted more. I wanted more from XMM too so I had to leave him as well. It's not easy but I think in the end it's better. It's better for me at least. Hang in there, you're not the only single chick on this board.
Y
I did the roller coaster thing of breaking up & getting back for 2 years. The last year, we had settled into a routine but it was so unsatisfying to get together for lunch (and sex) and occasional weekends & nights. And hiding this from my family and children. And lying to everyone all the time. About 6 mos. before I ended it, I started getting busier with my life -- working more (can't take lunch, sorry!), leaving my cell in the car so I didn't hear him call (he'd only call my cell thanks to caller ID at home), working out A LOT -- girl, I was SO buff!! and doing lots of fun stuff with my kids on the weekends (sorry, can't sneak out for a few hours on Saturday!) I did volunteer work, like serving Thanksgiving at a shelter and helping build a couple of Habitat houses, and planting trees.
I even started working at dating single guys. I mean working to get dates. I had some duds, but one guy was so neat. For the first time, I thought, you know there could be guys out there who are available that I could WANT to be with.
One Saturday, I just said, you know I need some time to myself for while. He was agreeable at first, but then he freaked and did some minor stalking craziness. I meant it this time and stayed away. When he started telling me he would tell his W, he was leaving. I knew I didn't want that anymore. I looked at him and his life and realized I didn't want him. He was a liar and a cheat. So was I! but I was choosing to change my life and become a better and more honest person. I did NOT want to marry this man who could succesfully carry on an A for 3 years.
I stayed firm and maintained strict NC, rejecting all of his efforts until he stopped trying (that took about 4 mos.) I still had some feelings for him, but worked with a great therapist to help me resolve them. And stayed busy at work, with my kids, working out and eventually I started dating that really nice guy I had met. We're still together.
You don't have to have an H and a family to fill your life up with interesting, fun, rewarding activity. You can have a better life than being somebody's fallback position. YOu can have a relationship where YOU are a priority instead of second string. And you know what, you deserve that!!
The whole point I want to make is that I spent a lot of time being so depressed that I could barely get out of bed in the morning. (At the same time the affair was ending, I also got laid off from my job.) I felt like I had nothing to look forward to and that I was all alone and would be forever. I do have a teen aged daughter, but I'm embarrassed to say that I did not take care of her during this time like I should. I was seeing a counselor and, because I was grasping at straws, decided to visit a hypnotherapist. Between the two of them, they helped me get the energy and motivation to start doing something with my life. I've made a concerted effort over the last several months to reconnect with friends that I had lost track of during the affair. (I didn't realize until it was over how isolated the affair had made me. I didn't want to lie to my friends when they asked me what I'd been doing and I couldn't tell them that I was spending time with MM so I ended up not talking to a lot of my friends.)
My daughter went away for a week during spring break and I was very afraid that during this time I'd fall back into my old habits of being depressed and missing MM. In the past, if my daughter was gone, MM and I would have taken the opportunity to spend as much time together as possible. This time, I made a list of things that I could do while my daughter was gone. The list included household chores that needed to be done, hobbies that I could work on, friends that I could call, and exercise that I have been meaning to pick up again. This really helped! Every time I'd start feeling a little lost, I'd look at the list and pick something to do. The week flew by! Try that...maybe it'll help you, too. (Every one is probably picking up on a trend here...I'm a big list maker, but for me they are a great tool.)
Good luck!
I just read your thread but haven't read the responses yet. This is something I was just thinking about though before reading your post and it really was odd to be thinking something and then seeing a post about it. I am one of the married women. I guess it is just a way of looking at things in the "grass is greener on the other side" but I keep thinking that it would be easier to get over HIM if I were not married. Then I could move on by getting out and meeting other people. But by choice I am staying in my marriage for now which means dwelling on all the things he was that my H is not. If I were truly happy in my marriage, maybe it would be easier, but all the things that led me here are still here. This is a kind of pain that you can't fall back on a spouse with. It is something you deal with in your heart soul and mind every day. Unfortunately though, I dug this hole for myself with my choices and only I can get myself out of it.
Hang in there!!!
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige