Therapist Really Gave it to me. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Therapist Really Gave it to me. . .
10
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:43pm
i just don't know what to say, except the marriage therapist today, really let me have it. it was the ugliest thing i have ever been through. in a nutshell, he told me all my issues with my H are "BS," that i have little to no "self awareness" that i haven't taken any responsbility for the problems in my marriage; that no wonder my H had an A after i went away to a beach house this summer and not letting him come along; that all i do is criticize my H--and it's no wonder he had an A!

I have never told my H about my own A and i struggle with the hyprocisy of that daily. I promised XMM i never would. What do i owe him now? except NOTHING! But i continue to not tell, because it would become painfully obvious that myH knows--he might heve contact him--and then suddenly, mty XMM's W and two children get involved and hurt.

I do think my obession with all of this has to end. I miss the days where there was so much less drama and thinking. I often think that by my coming to this board--i only try to relieve the A, over and over and over again.

Well guess what! The A is OVER AND IT HAS BEEN FOR A LONG TIME. I have not heard from XMM in ten days. I see him at Little League-we don't talk. We don't ackowledge one another. My H says: what's the deal. Doesn't talk to you anymore? Little League ends in early summer-i leave for europe immeidately after, and then i am done, done, done.

The words my therapist said basically gave my husband carte blanche OKness about his A. Imagine all of that. Not a word from H either since this horrible T appt. this morning.

i JUST SIMPLY THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

I DID NOT ASK FOR ANY OF THIS! I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS WEAK AND CONFUSED XMM to chase and pursue me the way he did! I have tried for years to improve my realtionship wtih H. I JUST SO MUCH want to tell XMM that his selfishness coupled with my vulnerability has created such a mess for me that i live thru still every single day. he has moved on. his precious family is in tact. his w did not have an affair. he did not become depressed like i have. i cannot tell you how much i hate that all of this happened. and i think, sometimes, especially after today, that i will crawl back into the little hole where i have lived in this M for the last 13 years and just not need or want anything from anyone any more!

I will calm down in time. I just think i have reached the end. If i don't post here for a while it's because i need a break from all of it. IT'S OVER. IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:37pm
HI CLARICE

It sounds like your still not takeing responsbility for your actions and role in your marriage or the affair, you spent half your post blameing everyone else.

I don't mean to beat on you or hurt your feelings, but you should listen to your therapist your paying him to tell you the truth now it's time to get your moneys worth.

By the way PITY PARTYS like the one your haveing don't help trust me I tried them.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:51pm
Clarice, ugh, I am so sorry. It's been a tough week, hasn't it?? Now that the T has put all this blame on you, I sure hope he's giving you some constructive advice on what to do with that, & on where to go from here. Sounds to me like that's what you really need to do now -- look AHEAD, stop looking back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 10:14pm
Clarice,

I too am sorry that you had a rough day! Here are a couple of thoughts for you:

"What do i owe him now? except NOTHING!" and you are right. You owe him nothing and yourself everything!! You owe yourself to feel free and happy again with much less drama in your life and eventually it will come. Unless of course you are like me and look for ways to create some drama but I digress so...let me continue.

You are right. Coming to this board is a way of reliving it and rehasing it. This also I believe is a bit of an "obsession" if I may. But I also believe in the short time that I have been here it helps to vent, vocalize, help others and learn and see that we are not alone in our fight for normalcy. And you know what if you feel you need to take a break from it all well then that is cool too. Do what is right for your head and your heart.

As for your therapist (sorry F) I think he sounded like a bit of a jerk!! Affirming that it was ok for your H to have an A based on your actions. My response would have been "screw you" - but then again I am a bit of a hot head and I also dont sit in all your T sessions. I also dont believe that the word of the T is gospel.

As for XMM dont be so sure his life is in tact, that he is not depressed and affected. I would bet my right arm that he is pretty miserable too. Remember men are much better at hiding their feelings than women are.

Whatever you decide I hope you feel beter...it has to get better. xo!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:10am
Clarice, before you totally give up on life and crawl into some small whole may I ask you a question? What on EARTH gives your therapist the right to so blatantly justify your H's affair?

If your H was so terribly miserable in your marriage, why did he not do the right thing and ask you for a divorce? I'm sorry, but I would advise you to seek out a new therapist! Marriage is a 50/50 proposition and you alone are not responsible for ALL THE PROBLEMS!

BTW, if your therapist doesn't know about your rebound affair, I certainly wouldn't tell him! Doing so will only give him more ammunition to bury you alive instead of working on resolving your H's 50% of the problems that led him to his affair in the first place!

Hang in there. Forgive yourself. Do NO CONTACT with MM and things will start to change for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:23am

Clarice, I know I haven't been around a lot or posted much when I have been able to check in. But, I caught this post and had to put in my $.02. When I told Sean about your T, he said, "It's a male therapist, isn't it?" Pretty intuitive, isn't he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 10:35am
Thank you to all that posted. I have a lot to think about. I appreciate all of you; your concern and support. The best advice ever given on this board, though, is from maybekatie: "Don't Look Back." That is my mantra today. Time to move on and don't look back.

I do have much to consider and will update you all in time.

Clarice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 8:02pm
Hey Dip

I don't think the T was saying it was ok for the husband to have a affair, but he was saying that Clarice contributed to it happening by the things she said and did, In another post Clarice confermed this when she said that her EA drove him to it.

As someone once said regardless of how flat you beat the pancake it still has two sides, and we all have to own are side of the cake (responsabilities) and deal with it if we want to move forward in life with out repeating the same mistakes over and over again. JMHO

Free

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:36pm
Moving on from this board because you are ready is a good thing. If that is what you want to do now then let me just say goodbye and that I wish you well. Just let me say that your therapist sounds like a complete A$$HOLE! Going away to the beach house last summer for some alone time did not mean your husband had a right to have an A!!! That kind of thinking is so provincial and moronic. Your marriage was in hot water before you went on vacation, before the A even. And it isn't your fault. Yes, you bit the apple and you are guilty. Guess what? So is your husband. For your therapist to blame you for everything is complete hogwash and I would have told him to stick his diploma up his rump.

You aren't on this board to relive the Affair. You are here because you are hurting and confused and frustrated. Yes, the affair is over. HOWEVER, you are living in the aftermath of a tumultuous emotional time. Dust your butt off and make some decisions. You want to stay married? Then resign yourself to the fact that you have to stay married to a man that doesn't sleep with you and has had an affair. You want to get divorced? Then go to an attorney and tell your husband to pack his bags. Just do something besides torture yourself or subject yourself to the ramblings of an overeducated overpaid moronic therapist that is telling you that it is no wonder your H had an affair.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:19pm
i agree that the therapist was totally out of line and am processing now what to do with all of that, as he is the only therapist that has been able to make any headway with my H. Of course, i ask for my Hs opinion and he has none--that's nothing new.

As you can see, i am not totally ready to leave the board yet--but i do think i am getting closer. I feel certain shifts occuring within me--and a sense of peace that what has happened is done; and it's time to move on.

I'll let you know what i decide and thank you for your continued support.

Clarice

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 3:41pm
I'm always here for your clarice. You remind me of me in so many ways. I am lurking here less and less. It upsets me to see so many good women in these situations. Maybe I'm the one that needs a break from here. why is it so easy for some to move on and not for others?

You're going to be okay clarice. You sound stronger every passing day.

Jazzdiva