How Do You Know When...................

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
How Do You Know When...................
9
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 10:22pm
How do you know when or if you have done "every thing you can" to salvage your marriage ??? I suppose it is different for everyone, but there must be some sort of guidelines to follow so you can tell whether you are on the right track with your mate, or whether you are doomed. I recently started NC with the OW to try to get back to working seriously on my marriage, but I am starting to lose hope again that I will ever have the kind of relationship with my W that I had with the OW. W and I are on a different emotional, physical, and spiritual plane entirely, yet we do get along OK and have 2 children together. I long for a life with OW (and she with me) but I haven't been able to walk away from W and kids despite counseling and 18 mos. of long and involved talks with both W and OW. Michelle Weiner in her book "The Sex-Starved Marriage" says you should always stay in the marriage unless there is abuse, etc..which applies to only a small percentage of marriages. The rest of us need to give it all we've got, and if that fails, then we just accept our lot in life and focus on the good things in our marriages, even without sex and intimacy. What do y'all think out there in TV land ???Thanks...
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anonymous user
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:11pm


If I didn't know better I would say that you were my xMM. You may as well give up any hopes you have of ever having the kind of relationship you had with the OW with your wife. You will never have that with your wife. We can never make any two relationships identical, or we would be living in the land of robots. Similar yes...but never the same.

You will know you have done everything possible to salvage your marriage when the times comes that you make a decision to stay or go. Until that decision is made, you will continue to long for what you do not have. You will long for the safety, security and stability within your marriage or you will long for the excitement you found in the affair.

Any long-term relationship is more than sex and intimacy, however, sex and intimacy is a main ingredient in a long-term relationship. I think for those of us who have had affairs, we somehow separated our inner selves living two different lives. Personally, I was attracted to the xMM for all the right reasons, he was good looking, sexy, fun, loving, caring, silly, spontaneous and we liked the same things and craved to be with one another or just talk to one another...and we were in love with one another. I am attracted to my H because he is a good person, a good father, a good husband and I know I can count on him.

Will I ever feel those wonderful feeling toward my husband again now that I am no longer in the A? Not unless I fall back in love with him. Being in-love and staying in-love takes a lot of hard conscious work toward pleasing your partner for all the right reasons.

Right now, I still love the xMM and he still loves me, we are both just trying to get through each day knowing we cannot be together. Lets just say the timing is off and neither of us is willing to destroy our families, at least not right now or maybe never. We do speak occasionally and once in awhile we do bump into one another and ohh how the fire is still there. But so far we have both been strong enough to walk away. We have been going through the break up thing for 6 months now and it is hard as h*ll. FYI - my affair lasted 12 years.

If you figure out the answer - please let me know what it is...

Take care,

lillsilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:30pm

First of all, this isn't "TV Land". It's real life. And a few years ago I was in the same place you are in right now wondering how much was "enough".


As you pointed out in your post, it's different for everyone.


For me, once I reached the point of knowing I'd done all I could within my marriage to make it work any longer, then I knew I was at the end of the search for my "enough". In other words, you'll know you're there when you get there and if you have to ask, well, really, you know deep inside that you haven't reached the end yet. It is up to YOU, and YOU alone. Not the GF or your wife. You.


Once you reach the end, youll know there's no turning back. AND you'll also know you're leaving for all the right reasons, not just to jump into another relationship with OW.


Leave because the marriage is over. Not just because you've got someone else who is GIB. Leave because you can look at yourself in the mirror and know you are telling the truth when you admit you're at the end. THat's when you know you've reached the end.


Been there, done that.


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 10:13pm
Michelle Weiner's great. Have you read "Divorce Busting" or something like that? I read that book (and still consult it when my BF and I are in a sticky point) over and over when I was facing my divorce.

For me, it was more clearcut, but it took me 5 years to decide. My H was a drug addict, a very unhappy, dysfunctional person. He was unemployed for much of those last 5 years. He finally did something that drove me to call a lawyer because I feared what his lifestyle would do to our children and our family's safety. Years after our divorce, he confessed he was also a serial adulterer, in his words, it was a "constant" thing the last 5 years of our marriage. He blames me for that too!

Still, with all that I didn't want to let go. I wanted the unbroken family SO badly but once I left, he straightened up, cleaned up and has been employed ever since. He said he did it because he knew he'd lose his boys if he didn't -- plus of course, he didn't have me feeding or housing him anymore!

I never had an A during my marriage -- I didn't have the energy! A year later, I got involved with a married friend and we had a 3 years too long relationship. I finally ended it over a year ago & am so happy I did!

He wouldn't leave his W because of his children and I'm so glad he didnt. I could never have lived with the guilt and shame of my role in breaking up that family. Be very sure you know what you're doing. The problems in your marriage are partly your doing. You are doomed to repeat those same mistakes in your next marriage if you don't have the time to heal and learn from your current marriage.

Even if you are sure you must be with your OW, you should break it off while you sort out your life and give your marriage a chance to heal or to end it with honor. And then you need time to figure out your own life and who you are and find your happiness within before you can have a good, healthy relationship with your OW or anyone else.

These are all just my opinions based on my own experiences. At one point in your life, you loved your W enough to marry her. To promise your life to her. Doesn't that oath deserve everything you can give it before you give up. Honestly, as an OW, I wouldn't respect a man who didn't.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 11:35pm
Thank you for your articulate response. I will take your advice to heart and stick it out. I agree- it does hurt like H*** but I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. I worry about my OW often; she REALLY wanted to get married. Who knows ? Perhaps someday it will happen b/t us, but for now, this is the right course of action. I think she understands that too, but I worry that she is hurting at least as much as I am. The thought of hurting someone with whom you have a strong emotional attachment is a heavy, heavy thing. Thanks again for responding. It helps to know that someone is listening.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 12:30am
Thanks for your sage advice. Sounds like you speak from experience, which really has no subtitute. I also believe that one should seek happiness from within first, then try to establish a meaningful relationship, not the other way around. You cannot make someone happy if you are not happy. I do love my wife and I will try all I can to make it work. You said that I have not reached the end point yet since I had to ask the question " how do you know when..."..you are sooo right about that .....Thanks again and good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:48pm

And good luck to you too. I think you can have a great second marriage with your current wife.......all those things you wish to change inside the marriage may happen in the context of open communication. And yes, my words do come from personal experience. There is no replacement for inner peace to build a foundation of a marriage. Your wife has the obligation to step out of the box of your old marriage, too. With love and kindness and trust as clear foundations, followed with actions that support the words, the relationship can change. Be sure to put some reasonable timetables and review conversation sessions. Just like at work. Feedback gives an opportunity to adjust the course while remaining focused on the goals.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 6:44pm
Again, thanks for taking the time and having the interest. If you don't mind my asking, what is YOUR current situation ? You seen to have a handle on things now after perhaps years of searching. Are you married ? Have you found that balance in your life between family, work, and marriage ?? that is where we went wrong I think. After the kids came, we just focused on them only, and b4 we knew it, we were strangers....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 6:56pm
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. The amazing thing about the internet is that you can spill your guts, confess your deepest, darkest sins to no one in particular and total strangers will offer sound, compassionate advice. I appreciate hearing a woman's point of view because it's sooo hard to see it from the other side sometimes. I confess that your last paragraph brought more that a few tears to my eyes, but you speak the truth of experience. I DID marry her and promise my life to her and she does deserve everything we can do to save our marriage, including my undistracted attention. I fear another marriage for the reasons you mention; I really do need to find happiness from within b4 I can hope to make another person happy. Thanks again and good luck to you---in everything...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:23am

My current situation is married to former OW. we're one of those 2% statistics that have a real solid fulfilling marriage after the affair.


Balance between life, work and family. Definitely a yes on that. I work as a CPA with my wife. Our business is intense the 1st 4+ months of the year and then down to 3 or 4 days a week after that with 4 day week-ends from June through December.


Between us we have 8 kids. Youngest is 17 oldest is 29. Currently 3 in college. I chuckle at the year we had 4 at high school. It really made carpool easy......


If you focus on your kids and let them take over your life, you lose your marriage. At least that's my opinion. My ex-w did that with me and CW did that with her ex-h. He was lazy enough to let her run the show, with him standing on the sidelines telling her after the fact where she was screwing up raising their kids. Now he's a Peter Pan figure floating in and out of the kids' lives at his convenience and i'm the one they turn to for "dad" advice. For several years my ex-w fought to keep me away from my 4 kids. Told them I'd left them for a new family and didn't need them anymore. Nice thing to say to your kids, eh? That ended when the kids realized she was lying to them, that I was and wanted to remain integral parts of their