??? Closure question for all...........
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??? Closure question for all...........
| Sun, 04-18-2004 - 12:56am |
If you didn't expect it and suddenly were given the opportunity to see your xMM/OM/OW (affair partner) for the purpose of YOUR CLOSURE, what questions would you ask? What would you want to tell him or her? What would give you closure and that peace of mind to walk away for the rest of your life?

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I actually had these types of conversations with several of my affair partners.
I told each of them that I loved them adn would continue to love them for the rest of my life. I thanked them for the good times we shared. I also made it clear that ending the affair was needed for both of us since I had no intention of leaving my wife and kids for them.
And they understood that. While some had hoped I'd jump
Since not seeing him for almost 4 1/2 months and NC for almost 2 months I have had lots of time to think about things and what I would ask. Where to begin?? It varies day to day on what I would ask him but it usually bounces among these questions -
Do he know how bad it hurt me?
He always said that our time together was so special to him - Does he still feel like those were special times?
His W found out and basically told him to choose me or her and his family. He choose her and NC began like right then (I slipped a couple of times...). I wonder if he ever wanted/had the desire to call me?
Does he miss our friendship?
I think that I have to accept that I am probably never going to know these things but it would give me so much help right now in closure if I did.
Looking back, was I just a folly of a guy going through mid-life, or was it something more?
Did he love me or just lust me?
When I first met him, I was literally swept off my feet--and gosh knows! he ain't nothing to look at--it always felt much deeper than that. Was it just me who felt like that?
Does he ever think about me or miss me? Or has he just gone back to the day to day business of his life?
What I would tell him, if the opportunity presented itself:
For me, I see things much differently now. I know the reasons why he stays and I believe he is where he needs to be right now. And I would never want it to be any different for him. I only want his happiness, because he is a good man. The reality for "us" was that it never had a good ending to begin with (though, it really didn't end on a bad note, though my heart is aching and empty these days). We both knew that, and both proceeded with the emotional affair, while lying to ourselves we were "friends". (well, I know I was lying to myself...I don't know about him). There was so much unsaid between us....speaking entirely from my perspective, it was mostly because I was afraid of making an a%% out of myself--esp. since the beginning he declared he was "NOT having an affair" BUT "he wanted to remain friends". So, that set the tone right away with us....he made it clear "no affair" and I, most unfortunately, had already "fallen in love" with him.
So I chose not to tell him for fear that he would go (now, in retrospect, I should have been completely honest---with him and myself---and save me all the heartache...eh, que sera, sera). At that point in my life, in the Fall 2001, I "needed" him in my life. He helped me (emotionally/mentally) through graduate school...and through this GOD AWFUL marriage. He provided such a beautiful respite to my abusive marriage of mine. But, I became so sickenly addicted to him and the emails. I became nearly delusional with fantasy of the relationship. I don't believe he ever was at the same level as I was, it was definitely unbalanced, and tipped in his favor. (but luckily for me, he either never saw it or took advantage of it, because he could've done a serious number on me..and I would've have fallen for it).
He has provided me so much knowledge about life, about love, about spirituality, and in a roundabout way, myself. Heck, I'm STILL learning from this. I'm still missing him, so much. I'm still trying to shake that feeling of when I first met him. I'm still trying to forget our first and only IC---the BEST and WORST experience of my life.(lol!).
One of my biggest fears in life, right now, is that I will never have that experience again....of looking into a near strangers eyes, feeling a profound internal earthquake, and falling into the vast chasm of 'love'. Maybe its a one shot deal...maybe it does happen again.
Eventually, I'll find out. But this I know....there will always be a piece of me, that will love him to the grave, and within my heart there is a space that he used to dwell where he no longer does--and while it grows smaller every day, it will never be entirely gone.
dharma
My xMM wanted these endless conversations that all ended up the same way -- him trying to talk me into coming back. I HATED every one of these conversation and tolerated them because I once loved him dearly and thought if he needed to talk, I should let him. This went on sporadically for 3 mos. after I ended the affair.
Then he showed up drunk at my house late at night when my xH was on his way with my children AND it was clear he had been spying on me to be sure the kids weren't home or my new SINGLE BF wasn't there, I told him I'd call the police if he ever contacted me again.
Closure is a gift you give yourself and not one you can get from another person -- it's called inner peace and it's hard work but it's yours to have.
Our breakfast meeting was supposed to be tomorrow but once again, xMM ended up cancelling due to a business conflict. Maybe, I'll never have the opportunity to ask my many questions!
Sometimes, being normal friends with him upsets me. Thanks for letting me vent.
I have to agree with what Foolnomore said about this. I had many opportunities to get my "closure". I would have tons of questions for XMM. He would answer them, in time I would come up with more and he answer them again.
For me it was a never-ending cycle. I didn't want the A, but I wanted my friendship with him with no memory of the A. I wanted everything to go back to how it was before we crossed the line.
We too tried being friends since we work together and are neighbors. To honest with you, it doesn't work very well. I have gone back to the way I was before the A and I'm not sure he likes it. He accused me of saying mean things at work the other day and I have NO clue what he is talking about. Am I being mean because I'm not obsessing anymore, not asking questions about the A, I don't know? (I also don't care to know).
Closure for me came when I recently told my H about the A. I never thought I would be able to tell my H. XMM doesn't know that I told and I'm sure he won't ever find out. H and I are moving forward and not looking back. I have such a sense of peace that I haven't had in a long time. Telling is what I needed to do for me it truly brought me the closure I was so desperately seeking.
Dharma - your last paragraph made me cry, I feel so similar.
noregrets - I can not imagine ever being able to be that open and not have my secrets. I am thinking you are not as emotional as us women too. I have been an emotional trainwreck!
foolnomore - I suspect you are right that peace only comes within ourselves.
alifechoice - I can never imagine telling my H about the A, even 10yrs down the road, but I admire you for doing it, this must be the sure sign it is behind you forever.
If I had a chance and still wanted to talk to OM, I would ask, were all the things you said to me the truth or lies? Think of the irony of that! If they were lies, he would still lie and tell me they were the truth!
dharmagurl,
Reading your post gave me the chills. It is so similiar to my situation and the emotions and feelings involved I have/feel for my MM. My fear is the same. Will I ever have such an emotional/spiritual connection the way I had with another? I go over in mind continuiously about the first day I met him, the first kiss, the first everything, conversations, etc. They are still so vivid, and so real I remember what he wore, everything said and so on.
He and I made plans and dreams and I would allow myself this fantasy all the while knowing somewhere deep within that he will never leave his W. The A and he, himself, have taught me invaluable lessons that I will take with me to the end. He gave me strength to finally leave my abusive marriage and the emptiness I feel right now is very overwhelming but I know necessary in healing.
I think the only question I would have for him would be this. He was so worried about keeping the balance and peace for all invloved and not wanting to hurt anyone (his W and child) didn't he realize or does he realize the pain that was inflicted on me for falling in love with him? Where is my peace? Where is my balance?
MidnightBlue
I wish I could have this closure, I've thought about it many times but I know better than to attempt it . . .
Momesq, what a lovely paragraph, the very same sentiments hold true for me. I could have written the exact words...but you did it so well.
Here's to all our healings.
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