The Pursuer / Pursue-e

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
The Pursuer / Pursue-e
1
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 4:06pm
Months ago a friend of mine told me about the Pursuer / Pursue-e relationship that she was going through at that time. This afternoon while driving back from meeting my OM during lunch time I thought about that and decided to look it up. It seems if I attempt to end the relationship he goes into panic mode and becomes the pursuer. All the more urgent it is for him to try to do things to sway me back into his life. Of course you all know how it goes.... you vow "no contact" then for 6 hours you don't call each other. Then you freak out and come up with a million reasons why you better place a call to him .... therefore becoming the pursuer.


http://www.nexuspub.com/articles/2000/sept2000/relate.htm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:03pm
this is really a classic unhealthy relationship dynamic that's explored in lots of books -- Mars and Venus is a prime example -- the scenario where the woman is "beating on the cave door" while the man hunkers down and avoids her; Rhonda Findling's "Don't Call That Man" and "The Commitment Cure," Michelle Weiner's "Divorce Busting" and another book I've read -- "The Dance of Anger" all explore this dynamic.

From whatever your perspective -- as the one who's seeking the relationship or the one wanting out. It makes perfect sense. The harder you push toward someone, the harder they work to withdraw.

A healthier balance is to come together at each person's own pace, huh?

Sometimes I think my xMM's panicky, stalking behavior when I seriously ended our relationship is really what clinched it for me, in terms of getting free. He acted so crazy; I just didn't want to have anything to do with him.

Later, when my single BF got panicked that our relationship was "moving too fast," I backed off, gave him the space he needed and he came back when he was ready. I'm letting him do all the work of putting us back together and our relationship is better than ever. Being sensitive to another person's needs is part of love. Demanding and pushing and manipulating to get your way is not part of love.