Lost in space....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Lost in space....
13
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:25am
For a couple of days last week I found such strength. I thought to myself "thats it, I have done it, recovered from any emotional distress regarding this A". On the road to recovery. I came here to read the posts but starting getting frustrated. Frustrated at my new obsession to come here. Then I would get sad at some of the things I would read and then I would sometimes find myself angry. I was thinking what the hell is wrong w/ all of us. Why cant we just move on. I figured I could do this on my own. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldnt stop crying. Felt so emotional. So what did I do????

You got it! I emailed him! He is trying to be strong and I am now the weak one! I swear I hate myself right now. Hate what I have become. Hate my vulnerability. Hate that I feel so weak. So angry. Angry for being one of you. I am now one of those stupid women who got caught up in the BS of it all. Angry for screwing my emotional state even further. Angry for having to start thinking deep down and figuring out why I have acted this way. Who the hell wants to deal w/ that?? I have nobody to talk to about this cuz' who the hell would be proud to talk about any of this to anyone.


All I want to do is scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:39am
Dipss: it's just time to reset the clock, that's all. You slipped up--it's not a big deal. Now just reset the timer and feel the strength you will have at the end of this day, that you made it through one day without having to reach out to this man.

I am in a place of NC now for 8 days. I've gone as much as 3 weeks. I do feel stronger with each day and pray each morning for no disappointments when i don't hear from him; for strength to get thru the day and for knowing that i am exactly in the place that God wants me to be in right now.

Don't beat yourself up. This takes time--look at me. My A ended last July--started to refuel in the fall--and now i am still here waiting and working to get over it.

Start again today as Day 1. The days build up sooner and quicker than you think. I hate that we are all here too--but we are, and in time, we won't be. This is just a temporary place; not a permanent one.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:56am
Dipss, if you're like me, this place is the only place you can talk about your frustrations. So keep doing it until you don't need to anymore. Don't try to be a martyr and face this difficult process on your own. It's HARD! And don't rush it. BABY STEPS, right? In the beginning, the good, strong days are still outnumbered by the days where you are feeling weak. Go hour by hour if you have to. But try to remember how good you felt when you were working so hard at doing the right thing. If you can get through one really rough day, one of those days that you feel like you absolutely HAVE to contact him, but you fight through it and don't contact him -- and you'll know you have it in you.

(Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm in a huge hurry, but wanted to respond to you!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:57am
Oh Clarice. Dont you ever feel drained?? Drained from the great advice you give to us all. Drained from your emotions and then the emotions you feel reading all of our problems. Drained from all of it. I feel drained. Drained from being so weak. What am I holding onto? What are we all holding onto? Why do we make it so difficult to move on. Why do we all know what we have to do but struggle? Why cant it just be black and white. Cut and dry. Why can he move on easier than I?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:10pm
yes. i often feel drained. A long time ago, i posted here an analogy of these affairs compared to walking across a shakey bridge. The analogy goes like this: there was an experiment of people walking across a safe and secure bridge. At the end of the chasm, which the bridge crossed, there was an attractive man or woman. When those that had walked across the safe and secure bridge, they got to the other side, saw the attractive person at the other end and merely walked away. Then, the same experiment, but this time, the bridge was unstable and rickety. When the people walked across the swaying bridge over the wide chasm, they got to the other side and fell in love with the attractive person at the other end.

What this has to do with these As and not being able to let go of them is this: when we all chose to entertain and engage in these As, we all were walking over a deep chasm on a shaky bridge. All of what we had to lose was great: our families, our spouses, our ways of life--but we continued on that bridge, thrilled and fearful of it at the same time. These walks made the feelings for our MM stronger; the feelings were fueld by fear and risk. That is why i believe they are so hard to leave: the feelings and emotions of walking thru these As are intensified by the risk that was involved.

Not ordinary emotions. But instead emotions that are seeded deep within us all that are hard to forget. The thrill, the risk amplifed our feelings. That's why it is so hard.

I hope this makes sense.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:45pm
Amazing analogy - hit home with me. Let's face it, none of us would be in this boat if we were happy with our lives. I was seriously considering leaving my H when my A started with a very good (unhappily married) friend. I was on a very rocky road with my H for a long time - I still am. But, like me, you need to make a conscious decision to smooth out the road. Successful relationships don't just happen, they take constant nurturing. I keep saying to myself that my H and I fell in love with each other 8 years ago - I know the love is still there, I just need to work to keep it above all the sludge that sometimes tries to drown us.

Trust me, it isn't easy to move on. My A ended last August, we had NC until February and the contact was a simple "hi, how are you" discussion in a local pub - I had to start on day 1 again. We had NC again until this last weekend, when we were both involved in volunteering for a major community event - starting at day 1 again. It takes a lot of strength for me not to pick up the phone and say "hi" because we had a great friendship before the A, but I can do it and so can you.

We ended the 6 month A mutually but the feelings are still there for both of us. I almost wish it hadn't been a mutual ending - it would probably be easier.

Have strength, move on with your life - you are more than worth it. You deserve to be happy all the time!

Sherri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:46pm
Your analogy is a clever one. Accurate and clever. Clever like many of the people here. Its amazing you would think (not to be demeaning but...) that there would be uneducated, illiterate and foolish people posting here but it appears to be quite the opposite. Intelligent and good people who found themselves on the "rickety and unstable bridge". Someone once stated on these posts that if we knew how difficult it would be to get back on track none of us would have entered the world we are now living.

So I am curious? Have any of you ever met in person for support therapy? (obviously have no ideas where anyone lives). Do you think it would be wise to get into a group like that? Or are we all scared of the thought of perhaps knowing one another. ;)

Strange thought I know.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I do like this board but I feel like its not going to be enough to get me through this. I just dont know anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 1:38pm
Clarice joked before about getting us all together for a little "convention" of sorts.... Hard one to explain to the H, but would be fun! It would sure be great to go out for a drink with people here once in awhile, huh? I'm in PA, though, don't know about the rest of you. :)

But seriously, do you have the option of seeing a counselor ever? If you can find a good one, that might be helpful. I don't think I know anyone who couldn't use a little bit of therapy sometimes! Not an option for me, though, it would raise too many questions.

Talking to people who have gone through the same thing has helped me SO much more than I dared to hope, but you're right, this board alone is not enough to get you through. You have to really decide that you WANT to end the affair, and the strength to follow through has to come from within.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 1:49pm
I am in NYC. I think a trip to NY would be great for you! Yes, in concept a "convention" of sorts would be nice. I wish we could all go for a drink. It would be so nice. The "Healing Hearts Club".

I know I need major therapy. Started it twice then I couldnt deal w/ the "stuff" that was being uncovered and stopped going. Now I just feel guilty for spending the money. Feel like its not a good time w/ our new home and my son.

I want it to end and then in the same breath I dont. Weird right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 2:04pm
Don't be too harsh on yourself. You have just gotten over a very traumatic emotional relationship.

He must have given you something that your craved emotionally. You are emotionally dependent on him and it hurts like h*ll to break away. It is like being in a vice, it holds you in it's grip.

Being in an affair, has it's pitfalls. One has guilt feelings and all sorts of problems. That is why you want to get away from it. It's almost like being addicted. The addiction feels very good at first, but after awhile messes you up. Now you want to get away from the messes of an affair, yet you still want to feel the wonderful feeling of the affair. It is only natural that you feel like you do.

You have more courage and fortitude than you think. I would start to get interested in things that you enjoy and like to do. Be steadfast, and you will eventually break the spell he has cast on you. In time, you will wonder why you allowed yourself to be sucked into the affair.

I feel for you and wish you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: dipss
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 2:17pm
This is no big revelation, but when someone said it to me it was like a light bulb went on in my head. The reason a relationship is so hard to get over is because of the hopes you had for the future of that relationship. For me, so much of my affair was lived in my head and heart because we couldn't spend as much time together day to day as we wanted. We never got to experience the drudgery that creeps into "normal" relationships. As a consequence, our times together were always special....we planned them carefully, looked forward to them, and focused solely on each other during those times. The longest we spent together was 7 days during a Christmas break and all we did was play together. The only time reality entered into it was when he left my house to go home and then both of us would be sad and have major withdrawals. How can you not miss a relationship like that? As so many of you have said, however, who knows if the relationship would last if it actually had to withstand the day to day.

Pages