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| Tue, 04-20-2004 - 3:41pm |
I found my way here through the other board for A's. My divorce goes through on Thursday and yesterday I just ended my EMA with my MM because he has made no attempt to follow through on any of the promises, dreams, plans, etc. I did it for my well-being. I was turning into someone I didn't like and the hurt and sadness was too much to bare.
Now, the pain ebbs and flows, but when it hits I feel like I can't breathe. I just want so badly for the pain to just go away. MM did not want this over and it is something I didn't WANT, it's what I NEEDED to do to gain my sanity back, but I feel like a part of me died. I feel empty, hollow and very, very alone. If anyone has any words of wisdom I am very open and thank everyone who took the time to read this.
MidnightBlue

I don't know if I have any "words of wisdom" for you but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for all of your pain. You are NOT alone. Many, many of us have been and are in this pain of A's and marriages ending and just because we are anonymous faces doesn't mean we are not real people who know exacly what you are going through. "Empty and hollow and alone"....I know that feeling so well, a numbness...but it will get better.
You are not regretting the divorce are you?
It sounds like you are strong in that you knew you needed time without the A. Build on that strength. You can do this, take care of you, and if it was meant to be that you are with MM, some day it may happen.
Take one day at a time, post as much as you need to, and know that we are here for you!!
hugs,
careful
careful,
Thank you for your words, they are appreciated. No, I don't regret my divorce because the years of emotional/verbal abuse had stripped me of my spirit (that's the only way I can describe the intense hurt I have felt through my marriage), so I know (maybe not then) I was prime for an EMA. I NEVER wanted to fall in love. I tried so very hard not to, but the rest is history. I know he doesn't want it over ( my MM), but he is so intent on everything being balanced and no one getting hurt, and at first I believed, and I do believe that he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but as time went on, I just feel that he never had any intention of building a life with me, and he was content with having his cake, etc.
I know I'm not alone and with reading and writing here I know in time that I can move from the place I am in now to a much happier place. I'm just glad there is a place I can go to. Thank you.
MidnightBlue
Ah, yes the similarities in our A's and marriages. Pull up a chair and I'm passing you a box of kleenex, cause GOSH KNOWS you're gonna need them for a bit.
I, too, am cursed by the vivid memories of EVERYTHING. (I'm referring to your post in another thread--responding to my post). I can remember what we BOTH we were wearing the day we met....the day we walked the streets of San Francisco, and all the times we met after that. I can remember the SMELL of his leather jacket the first time he hugged me--and let me tell you what an emotional moment it was for me when I mistakenly walked into a leather store and got a whiff. I find myself ACTIVELY avoiding things that trigger any type of memories, in the process of eliminating them....I avoid reading certain poems, or listening to particular music (any thing by Coldplay, The Wallflowers or Joni Mitchell reduces me to a mess). The worst thing? He doesn't have a good memory...LOL....he and I once had a conversation where he was telling me about his bad memory, and how his best friend remembered EVERYTHING to the exact detail, and how frustrated he was by that. So now I feel cursed by this...I wish I had a bad memory...or just didn't attach so much significance to it--because I think that is more where the memory stems from--the significance attached to an episode or event.
In a way, I feel fortunate, because exMM NEVER led me on to think he would leave or anything close to that....in fact, if it was getting too intense he would back off and usually I would give him his space (and then I would lie like crazy that I wasn't nearly as involved as I was....just to keep him around. I, was lying to him---which did more damage to me than anyone else)
The emptiness and loneliness you feel is compounded by the loss of TWO significant relationships. Despite the marriage being abusive (and honey, I know ALL about that one too---still trying to work my way out of it!!! more complicated than I ever imagined) it still is a loss. I'm trying to end both, too...and gosh, I'm in such a tail spin...so I know how you feel. My exMM made me see that not all men were like my H as I came to believe after awhile. Without exMM I might have put up with this crap forever. I wonder, sometimes, if my exMM realized how much I fell in love with him....at this point, though, it wouldn't make a bit of difference, so I opt not to tell him. I have some residual anger that creeps up on me from time to time...sometimes directed at exMM, sometimes at myself, sometimes just at life. I feel that this anger is necessary and part of the healing process.
Like you I'm also wondering: Where is my peace? Where is my balance?
Somewhere its here.
dharma, who's having a bad couple of days. BUT there are some REALLY GOOD DAYS too...and they become more frequent over time.
PS anytime you want to email me midnight, please do!! just click on my name and send me an email to respond to!