guilt, depression, and more horribleness
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| Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:06pm |
My husband is a dream, the most wonderful man I have ever met. I met someone else and cheated, just once physically last year since he lives across the country, but have continued to cheat emotionally and through email, phone, IM, text...you name it. I was extremely depressed last year because after problems with infertility, I finally got pregnant and miscarried. Within a month afterwards, I was fired. A month later, I found out my dad was dying. All of these things led to extreme depression, which I have never faced before. This man told me everything a girl wants to hear -- love, passion, etc...I'm sure you've all heard the same things. I fell into the trap. I have battled and battled to get out...I never dreamed I would do this. The affair is all but over at this point, neither of us really want to continue with the charade.
Anyway...my question is how do I handle going forward? I think the fact that I said things to the other man that I know would hurt the love of my life more than anything is the worst feeling. I wish I could take it all back. I don't want to tell him because I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to lie to him either. I feel so incredibly guilty. Also, if I feel this way HOW can I still have feelings for the other one? It just doesn't make sense.
Someone please give me words of advice before I lose my mind.

I, like you, had no one I could talk to and thought I was going to lose my mind.
What helped me move forward was focusing 100% on my marriage. I started replacing memories of XMM with memories that included my H.
I too have a great H, I just didn't realize it at the time I was in my A. I changed my attitude toward my H and my marriage and things have improved more than I could possibly imagine they would.
The thing that also helped me was reading and posting here. Even if it was just to vent, or to avoid emailing XMM I would post.
Time is the key, it really will get better.
Good luck and remember there are really great people here to help you.
I've had my share of tragedy in my life in the past few years, and I think that's what started my A and kept it going for so long. My OMM was incredibly gentle, loving, said the most romantic things, etc. But I eventually realized that it wasn't real life. I was seeking out something that would meet my needs; i.e. to escape, to feel better, to not deal with life on life's terms, and he met them.
My H is also a wonderful guy!, and my very best friend in the world. But that kind of long lasting relationship just can't stand up against the excitement of a new romance. Remember that eventually, the A would have turned ordinary also, just like the marriage. The newness and excitement would have eventually died down, and it would have been just another regular ordinary relationship.
The more important issue here is not to beat yourself about what happened in the past. Figure out why it happened and move forward with your H incorporating that knowledge into your relationship with him. JMHO. Best of luck to you. Keep hanging out here, its a great source of support and strength!
Welcome to the board, isch! I also chose to stay with my husband. In fact, I knew all along that I would never leave him for GB (xmm). if I left Sean, I'd be leaving for me and it wouldn't be to run to GB. Sean is my best friend, has been since 1990. I was honest with him, told him about my feelings for GB. (He knew about the affair most of the time it was going on so I had no reason to hide it. I've nefer been good at lying to him or hiding things from him.) I always told him when I was meeting with GB for lunch or whatever, but never openly told him of the affair until it was ending.
Anyway, we used the affair as a wake-up call. We figured out what had caused me to look elsewhere for company. We changed our priorities as a couple. We still work on our marriage daily, well, almost daily at least. We are stronger together now than we were before the affair ever started. We communicate better than ever.
Had I not told him how I felt about it all, I wouldn't be as strong as I am now nor would our marriage be as strong as it is now. Sean loves me enough, unconditionally, to accept me with my faults, to accept me as I am. I love him just the same. He and I still occasionally talk about the affair or different aspects of it but not in order to hurt the other.
Schmuck
Isch, you're not the only one to make that physical mistake. Many of us here have. I know I did. GB had actually left his wife and had a place of his own. With his girlfriend. He asked me to come by and check out the new 'bachelor' pad. (He didn't want me to know that he and Lois* were sleeping together. Just roommates he told me. I knew better as I'd talked to her.)
I went. I felt that physical spark. He felt it. We talked. We had sex. No lovemaking or even any real tenderness, just sex. In fact, I sort of disassociated myself and critiqued the whole thing! We'd been apart for at least three months and I felt nothing! Even that spark had died by the time I walked away from him that day.
He was gone, out of my life, with no meaning left in it as far as he was concerned. I revelled. And, yes,
Jazzdiva