The Reset Button--stupid, stupid me!
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The Reset Button--stupid, stupid me!
| Thu, 04-22-2004 - 6:47pm |
so i am on the board and posting about the anniversary of my A starting and then replying to another post about songs and the next thing you know i sent that man an email! What the heck is wrong with me!! LOL!
he is going to vegas this weekend--i know this, b/c he emailed me yesterday about that--so i sent him numbers to play for me . I told him i expected him to bring back all my winnings. . .
it's minor. It's not a big deal, but you know, these things happen when we start remembering times and songs and all that stuff. Oh boy. I can't post to those kinds of things now . it just brings back toooo much for me. In fact, what HAD been working for me is my telling myself that i just am not allowed to think of that man at all. I blew it!
"You push the reset button on the counter of my heart"--now, it's time to push the reset button on the NC counter. SMASHMOUTH ME!
xoxo
Clarice

I will try to not post anymore sad songs. Only positive ones that will to keep us strong. STAY STRONG...YOU ARE DOING SO WELL! Dont get affected by my silly posts...remember you are so much more ahead of someone like me so dont let these emotional posts bring you down!
xo!
Well, that lasted about 1 month for me. I emailed him about once a month--just kind of updating him on me (like this is what he wanted or needed????). I sent him about one email a month with no response, which drove me insane. Then, someone made the mistake of telling me about an email tracking program, which I then started using. It showed when he opened the email, how many times, how long it was read, if it was forwarded, etc. TALK ABOUT SICK OBSESSION! From July until August, I would obsessively check how often he would read my emails...which just fueled more emails.
Eventually, I "gave up". THEN he sent me a spiritual tape, which I'm sure was to help me along, but it plunged me back into more obsession. In Septemeber he emailed me in response to an email I had written him....but I was not honest with him. I wrote that I wanted some information about some spiritual stuff, and he "fell" for it. That started contact again, under false pretenses, up until January 2004, when I realized that I was just "abusing" myself---it was SO GOSH DARN PAINFUL.
My point in telling you all this (other than to purge)....we ALL have moments of weaknesses. Sometimes we act on them, sometimes we don't. We have to conscious ALL THE TIME of what is going on for us...what is drawing us back in? We have to be conscious that these relationships will NEVER amount to anything except pain. That there is a difference between reality and illusion.
Illusions can be fun...until they turn delusional--and they ALWAYS result in unending pain and unhappiness.
Reality is difficult, not always fun, BUT there are MANY moments of happiness.
You pick.....
btdt, WAY too many times.....
press the reset button, and start anew....you've already identified a trigger--you are half way there, my friend!!!
big hugs!!
dharma
SMACK SLAP WHOMP , there that will teach not to do that again.
F
Hang in there. It TAKES SO MUCH TIME and it is a process that cannot be rushed. My brother told me once: it's a marathon, not a race.
Clarice