His wife called me-help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
His wife called me-help!
4
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:47pm
Hi:

I'll keep the recap of my situation brief: Have had 2 plus yr A with MM. I am M too.

Short version: she found out/he admitted all except the teeny fact that he loves me. Did admit to caring deeply.

He is on a work assignment out of the country for 12 weeks. He told me she said she would call me to get together while he was gone. I said bad idea, both of us won't benefit, could be very hurtful etc... She called last week. I called back (don't want to enflame her, trying to placate). I explained getting together was not an option. She proceeded to be enormously condescending (I took it in the name of "let's get this over with"). He has never felt about anyone the way he feels about her, she holds no malice towards me (insincere), etc..OK, I'm madder at him than her.

Mad at me too. Do you think I should have "pushed back" a bit more? It seemed to combative. If anything, I was very gracious. Told her she was a lucky woman (wish I hadn't said that). Really feeling like I had let her know that he has been telling me he loves me all this time and that I am the closest person in his life.

Do you think she's done? I am prepared to tell her to please not call me again if she does.

THanks for letting me vent.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 8:10am
Hi Pam,

I would tell her that these issues are ones that she needs to discuss with her H not you and leave it at that.

If XMM's W ever confronted me about the A, this is exactly what I would say to her.

JMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 8:53am
Pam,

Here's my advice (for what it's worth). I would just ask her to please not call you again. Easier said than done I know but these are not your issues but hers and his.

I had an affair with a man that I did not know was married for very close to a year, fell deeply in love, yada, yada, yada. Then one morning got the fateful call from the wife. He emailed me 2 days later to say goodbye and I tried very hard to pick up and move on without my best friend. 3 months later he emailed me again and asked if we could meet just totalk. We did and I could see how miserable he was. We became friends (and more again) and I vowed that this time since I knew I could handle it. Somehow the wife found out (even though we were very careful except for one stupid incident) and she started calling me. He begged me not to speak to her. He doesn't want to lose his children. I promised him I wouldn't. Well to make a long story shorter(hopefully) things became stressful (work, friends pressuring me, therapist pressuring me) and one day I did answer her. I planned to just tell her that I didn't have anything to say to her, that I had moved on with my life since we had last spoken. But her barrage of questions wore me down and I said more than I planned to. Needless to say, he will no longer speak to me...won't answer my calls or emails. I have lost my best friend because I betrayed him by speaking to her. Do not do the same thing to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:28am
Thanks to both of you for replying.

The one twist here that is odd-my MM was in favor of my getting together with her before he left for his stint of work overseas. I have spent hours trying to figure out how he could possibly have thought that was a good idea-asked him too of course. His response was, I think it would help. Well help her and him I guess, but certainly not me.

I did start the conversation by saying I felt whatever she had to say was best directed to him. I am confident if she calls again, I can say that and politely sign off with the message that she please not call.

Obviously, I am more than disappointed with him. He had a fantasy that she and I would have the potential for a cordial chat. That is asking too much of both of us. I hope she's pissed at him too.

Thanks for input.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 6:58pm
I agree with the other post. This is between the two of them. If he cannot be honest with her about you then it is more harmful to you to stay with MM. He is making a fool out of your love for him. My MM did the same thing once before we had an EMA we were just attracted to each other and really friends at the time. He introduced me to the W at a party we were at and she jumped all over me before I really could say hello. I looked at her and walked away. Never said a thing. She has been a B about me ever since. He says that she sensed he was attracted to me from the beginning. Anyway, You don't deserve to be treated like this. You don't need to deal with her anger. Her anger should be directed at her H and he needs to deal with it. Good luck to you.