Using desperate measures for the truth
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Using desperate measures for the truth
| Fri, 04-23-2004 - 8:16am |
I'm a DW inlove with a MM for almost two years now. He loves me and desperately wants out of his marriage, however he hasn't been able to do this as his wife threatens suicide every time he mentions the subject. At least this is what he is telling me. I'm tempted to anonomously call her up and tell her everything myself, and see where the fall out leaves us. I don't mean any harm to her but I have a feeling that he is just using this as an excuse to stall from having to tell her. They have been married a very long time and I'm sure she knows how to push his buttons as she is a very controling person. But I am at the point where I need to know if my assumptions are correct. I don't think I'd be able to walk away as I love him so much and truly feel his love for me unless I find out for sure that he has been lying to me, and I can't think of any other way to find out for certain. And the other problem is that if I find out that he has been lying to me and need to end it I would want NC but right now we work side by side every day. There is another job offer I current have and would seriously consider taking if need be, so my time is limited here, any advice?

I'm not saying it will be easy, but it is probably the best thing to do.
JMHO
Your problem is with your MM. Do what mistresses have been doing for years. Tell him to crap or get off the pot. No more you if he doesn't leave her. If he doesn't do it then you have your truth. Yes I know it is easier said than done but hell don't you deserve more in your life than crumbs? Are you going to wait around forever for this man to leave his wife? You are divorced..You are free to do what you want and find a love that is deserving of you. Go do it before you wake up and see that you wasted the best years of your life on a man that gave you crumbs.
Jazzdiva
I ended my 3 year affair over a year ago. I also thought I was madly in love with my MM and that we belonged together. However, when he said, "not until my kids are grown." I stopped hearing "let's have an affair for the next 12 years" and started realizing it meant, "Nope. I like what I've got -- a beautiful wife & great breadwinner, homemaker and mom to my 2 gorgeous boys. A great reputation with my family and community. AND a hot lover on the side - why mess with THAT?" And I got OUT.
I have never regretted ending it for ONE moment. I ended it before I became a CRAZY person with seriously damaged self-esteem. Who acted out in crazy ways & hurt myself and everyone around me. Do you seriously want to be that person.
My life is AT LEAST a million times better today than it was before I ended the affair. It was HARD to end it -- it hurt even though it was my choice. I missed him SO much. I missed the attention and affection. I missed our friendship. But no matter how I looked at it, staying with him was going to end badly for me, for him, for his family, for mine. I left before the explosion.
Re-read your email -- you want to tell this woman who may have threatened suicide about the affair. Pretend your sister wrote that -- what would you tell her?
An ultimatum to his wife will only hurt her because IMO, the man you're both involved with is a wimp! Okay, a self-centered, only out to make himself happy type of a person! Why either one of you wants to win this so called prize is beyond me!
Personally, I think you should take the job and then look around for a single man that can and will be there for you 24/7....You deserve nothing less so stop settling for it!
What I hear,you saying is you want someone to verify that he is lying to you. If he is, you want out, but not until you know for sure. You do have another job offer but you would rather stay there working side-by-side with him. Hmm, it doesn't sound to me like you really want to hear the truth. It sounds like you want someone to say what you want to hear. Well, I, for one like most of the others here, won't do that.
It sounds to me that if he really wanted to leave his wife, he'd call her bluff and leave. He is letting her manipulate and control him. So, he may not be lying, but he doesn't seem willing to make any changes. Perhaps that could be considered lying by omission of acts.
What matters here is your self-value. Do you want to continue with a man who most likely will never hvae the guts to leave his wife for himself? Do you want a
When we're in an affair, we're always lying....to each other, to spouses and most importantly to ourselves! Further, I have been around these boards for years and have learned from my own experience and that of so many others.....when push comes to shove, 99.9% of MM when given the chance to go back to their wives (OW ends A) or when the wife learns of the affair, go back home!
The fact that you've been in this relationship for 2 years and he's not made ANY changes should already give you all the answers!
Since you're so dead set on TESTING his proclamation of love and loyalty to you....do so by walking out of his life! He will either (1) do what he needs to do to be with you (2) go back to his wife or (3) find some new other woman that like you (and all of us on this board) is willing to listen and believe all his lines of BS.
When love is real, there is no need for ultimatums, threats and/or proof.....we would move the world to make the other happy.....this man is not even attempting to move a feather!