Need help resisting the urge

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Need help resisting the urge
5
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 10:23am
Hi everyone. Well, its been over a week since I last had contact with MM. April 13 to be exact. I have not heard from him since then, well maybe he is busy, but still, its rude and I know that it is.

Anyways, husband this week told me he really wants to work on our R. Which would be great, if he's serious about it. I always thought that if this happened I'd still keep MM in the wings in case things went sour again with H.

But now I think I should cut MM loose and try to forget about him. It hasn't been too hard to try and get over him, after all, he's put me thru NC several times and every time I feel a little more resentful towards him, just the general feeling that I'm only being used.

So far this week, I have had my id on the computer logged in as invisible so he cannot see that I am online.

Today though, I am having a hard time fighting the urge to let him see I'm online, and see if he contacts me.

Part of me wants him too, but the other part thinks I'm better off just not even taking the chance that I'll hear from him, because I'm really not sure yet whether or not I would agree to see him again.

Just need a little help to let me know I'm doing the right thing by NC'ing him. Thanks everyone,

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:08am
Dusty, you KNOW you are doing the right thing!!!! Don't make it harder on yourself by practically inviting the guy to contact you! You will not be able to work on your M with any integrity if you keep a guy "waiting in the wings," and it doesn't sound like you could even count on the OM to be there if things "went sour."

Hang tough, girl!!! NO CONTACT!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:09am
It's hard to give advice when I'm not even heeding my own advice.... but with that said. Resist the urge girl. How about making yourself visible but placing his ID to ignore. Oooh that sounds so permanent doesn't it? But do it. There's no need for you to be hiding when all you want is no contact with him. You can make that no contact possible.

My story today is that OM has sort of let his little girlie friend go, although she continues to call him now and then. He is well aware that I flat out advised him to give her a try and if he chose to not go that route that it was not because of my doing. She wanted to do things with him, horseback riding, going for walks, going to the movies, etc. I said GO! Have fun you deserve it. You should not be spending your days sitting around wondering if I'm going to call or not. I have not placed any calls to him in many days. I ride with a motorcycle club and there are alot of runs beginning this weekend. The more I talk about my interest in the bikes... the more OM panics because he feels he cannot compete with that. So he is aware that I'm trying to get back into my normal routine. Yesterday I watched my phone ring during his 10:00 break but I did not answer. He left a voice mail indicating at 11:00 that he was home and had taken the afternoon off - basically he freaked out that I was unavailable and it was killing him to be at work. I took it upon myself to leave the office and run a bunch of errands which conveniently made me unavailable during lunch. I hate to think that I'm avoiding him that way and I've tried to be honest with him about everything. He asked me to do lunch today but somebody here is treating us all to a luncheon for administrative professionals day and I informed him that I have a dentist appointment on Monday so he knows it would be quite a while before he was able to see me again. He can tell by the tone in my voice that carrying on this way is becoming tiresome.

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:44am
Thanks Katie and Elf, you ladies are making me hang in there!! So far I haven't given in and there's only a few more hours of work to get thru. I'll be fine once I'm outta here, we never had contact on weekends anyways.

Elf, you are right about me ignoring him. He also has my work email so I think if he wanted to, he could get in touch still. But I did turn off the messenger so that I'm not tempted to sit on there and watch.

Elf, you sound like a very strong willed person to be NC'ing your OM like that. I will try to learn from your example.

Dusty
xxxx
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:57am
If you really want to work on your marriage then you can't and shouldn't have MM in the wings. It just isn't really working on your marriage if you do that, dont' ya think? I fooled myself into thinking that I could work on my marriage and have an OM. What a crock.

I don't think having yourself available on IM is a bad thing. I think keeping yourself on invisible is like hiding. Dont you want to be strong enough not to hide? If he sends you a message you have the option of not responding. I played these games with OM for a while..it gave me satisfaction to see him trying to contact me and me not respond after horrible things that he did. But yanno, looking back now I see it as one big stupid game...high school nonsense. I'm a grown woman and I acted like a moron. I feel foolish and someday you'll look back and see the whole computer thing the same way. You're just not there yet and thats okay.

stay strong.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:06pm
You are right about not keeping MM in the wings, I can't really give H my full attention when I know he's there.

And after 2+ years of seeing MM, I've never really felt very guilty about it.

That is, until H said some very sweet and meaningful things to me this week, things I didn't think I'd hear him say.

Then I was thinking how devastated he would be if he knew the truth about me. It would KILL him.

So I know in my head, and probably my heart too, the time is right to give it up NOW. Thanks.

Dusty

p.s. I kinda like your idea about watching him TRY to get in contact with me and see how long he would keep it up. As long as I don't answer him!!
xxxx