Givers and Takers

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Givers and Takers
1
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:54pm
I sometimes think i get sucked into contacting xMM because i feel sorry for him (imagine that!). The reason is, i know he is having trouble with a mutal friend--their relationship is on the rocks. The friend thinks xMM really let him down on a number of issues (as xMM just takes and takes and rarely gives--so often he has disappointed me and other people that know him).

So, xMM will call me and tell me how much he misses this other male friend and how he reaches out to him in email and by phone and he hardly hears back from his friend and how painful that is for him.

So, somehow, i sometimes apply that to my situation with xMM (which is wrong--certainly, our mutual male friend did not have an A with hiim!) I do think he reaches out to me occasionally because he misses me; so i get all confused when i hardly respond back or do NC and then i sit and think he is feeling bad becuase i haven't met his expectations on what kind of response he was looking for (like the disappointment he feels right now with his other friend).

I think Takers can make you feel guilty or responsible in this way. They can manipulate you emotionally. They put out there that they are hurt--you respond back--they get what they want and then they don't give anything back. Let's put it this way: he didn't respond to my email yesterday; he got what he wanted--didn't reply back and will complain later when he feels that people don't reach out to him (initiate communication) with him enough. I think it's a game he plays.

I have no idea if this will make sense to anyone.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:39pm
Yes, it makes sense to me. I recently went through this same situation with a formerly close g/f while she was dealing with a family tragedy she told me how nice it was to hear from so many old time friends and then followed her statement by saying it's too bad that the only time we hear from good old friends is during a tragedy.

A few weeks later, after not hearing from her, I called her saying that friendship is a two way street. I then told her it would be nice to hear from HER every so often and not only during times of tragedy. Needless to say, she got angry enough at me that she hung up!

That was a month ago and I'm certain that eventually, she'll figure out that in order to HAVE friends, you need to be one!