Same pain, different girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Same pain, different girl
4
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 4:40am
Thank god, thank god I found this message board!! Been having an A with this guy for about 6 weeks, and oh did I think this was sooooo special...I've been married over 10 years with 2 kids and i am totally blown away with the way my lover makes love to me, the things he tells me, the way i feel lying next to him. Anyway, this guy's twice divorced and is now semi-seriously dating another lady, and here I am, the "side dish". Would somebody just jab a screwdriver into my eye?!! What am i thinking? I almost thought of leaving my husband for this guy, a guy I could never trust, who, when you think about it, has very little respect for me....but, ohhhh, i still want to be with him. God! I just want to be with him! We talk a lot online and some days i just leave that computer on PRAYING he will contact me. I know this is unhealthy, and as this relationship moves along it just hurts more and more. So why am I up tonight, still waiting for that message to appear from him? If i am so great, why is he still with this other lady? If i have "blown him away", why doesn't he want to spend more and more time with me? How can i just move on and try to take care of my family and my life when I hurt so deeply....Thanks for listening!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 9:58am
Welcome to the rockiest boat ride of your life! When we're IN the affair, we choose not to see the reality of the other person, ourselves or the world around us! The fact that you're here, the fact that you're able to clearly identify what this relationship really is.....IS a good start to your total recovery!

Your man feels that variety IS the spice of life! It's a good attribute when it involves anything other then sex!

Take it from those of us that have been there, the road ahead will not be easy for you b/c OM (other man) already knows why, how and when to manipulate YOU! But, keep in mind that he will only do so WHEN you ALLOW HIM to do so!

Your fist step needs to be TOTAL self-evaluation of what led you into this relationship? Do you want to stay married? Do you feel your marriage can give you those missing pieces that OM has been giving you? If your answers are yes, then get off of your computer and start working on making YOURSELF happy!

At 4:40 in the morning (time of your post) you should have been snuggled up in bed next to your husband and not waiting for some scumbag to throw you a crumb! You're worth a zillion times more then what you're getting! STOP allowing yourself to be used!

Finally, keep coming here and we'll get you through it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 4:44pm
Thanks so much for caring enough to reply to me...And i believe it when you say it; this is the rockiest boat ride i have ever been on, emotionally. But i'm still not ready to end this thing...i guess i am just addicted. It's just amazing how i have "let myself go". You are so right that when you are in the affair, nothing else seems to matter. Not my husband, not my kids (which is tragic), not my work. All for someone who is having his cake and eating it, too. I mean, I have my share of blame as well. I can walk away right now. I can end it this very minute with a phone call or an email. But i don't choose to right now. I think i still have this fantasy that somehow this guy is going to realize that i am the best thing ever and he's going to want to spend the rest of his life with me. Yeah, right. But guess what i'm doing now? Waiting for that email from him, which will not be coming, i'm sure. Wasting my time in front of this computer, putting my life on hold in hopes to hear from him. I'm an idiot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 5:25pm
HI

Your fantasy is his lieing and manipulating you and the other lady, this male clearly has some issues that could use professional help.

Your presently in a Affair fog your not seeing the real world or counting the cost of what your doing.

The fact that you are/were prepared to abandon you children for this DOG/PLAYER should be telling you that you should consider individual counceling to find out what has gone wrong, somethingis really bothering you inside you need to find out what it is before your kids pay for it.

I do not intend to be mean or critical but mothers who talk about leaving there kids for some Jerk cause me great concern.

F


Edited 4/25/2004 7:23 pm ET ET by mefreenow

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 12:24am
Hey Burbank.....you are NOT an idiot! You're just someone that hasn't come to terms with where you're heading......smack into a brick wall.

We all come to our own realities (and acceptance) within our own time....and you will too. I can't knock you b/c it took me FIVE long years to get where I am. Eventually, you realize that you're accepting and forgiving him more then you would ANYONE else in this world! Eventually you realize that YOU deserve MORE because you're not someone that can keep taking the pain over and over! Eventually we learn that our self worth is priceless!

Do yourself a favor....the next time you're tempted to check for email from him, delay it for an hour and DO something productive within that hour! The second day, FORCE yourself to wait 2 hours...eventually, you'll start getting back INTO your own life (family) that you won't care if he emailed you or not. And, keep in mind that once an email is sent, it will be there till you open it.

Good luck to you and I hope it won't be too much longer until you STOP allowing him to torture you b/c the tears and pain are NOT worth it!