Come to an End

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Come to an End
4
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 11:08am
Well friends this affair of mine has officially come to a close. I have not phoned the OM since last Wednesday and if you recall on Thursday and Friday I sort of dodged phone calls from him. We did speak for a moment Friday afternoon but only to wish one another a good weekend. There were many events going on in my town this past weekend but I did not attend any of them and rather stayed home. My H worked part of the day Saturday and I had many opportunities to go see OM but I just did not have any desire to do so. I couldn't even bring myself to call him just to say a friendly hello.

Today he phoned a few times and finally at his break I answered his call. He asked if he could meet me to discuss something. I felt a flush come over me and I said I had an appointment during the lunch hour and to tell me what it was he wanted to at that very moment. He informed me that he had dinner with the woman who had been pursuing him (and whom I had recommended he go for) so she asked him for the opportunity to give her a chance without me in the background. I feel kind of blank about it all. I guess I had made up my mind a while ago that it must end. How is the easiest least-hurtful way? I guess it is for him to tell me that he wishes for nothing more than to be with me, that he loves me with all his heart and he truly wishes that one day our paths would cross again at a more appropriate time in our lives. During the times we tried to go NC I shed tears and felt empty but now for some reason I feel none of that. I tried to emphasize in my conversation with him earlier that I did not wish to make light of this situation by not going on and on over things we've said a million times. He knows how special he was to me and I guess we can only wish each other well. He tried to make the one final comment of "if things ever do change between you and your H will you promise to call me?" In the past I would always say "sure, of course." But this time I said "that's not really recommended you know." That seemed to sadden him the most, the idea that every bit of hope would be gone forever.

I don't know. I guess it's weird that I'm more concerned about what he is going through rather than what I'm going through. Me - I get to go home to work on my R with my H.

elf

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 11:35am
Elf...

This is a major epiphany here! You are putting your needs first ahead of the OM..that is a GIANT step! It was so hard for me to do that, and once I did things started becoming a little easier....

The greatest gift that you gave your XOM is the opportunity for him to pursue another woman and to have a healthy relationship. That shows great selflessness on your part....

The key sentence in your post is that you get to go home and work on your marriage. Maybe that is what we all should do FIRST before going into the arms of another man. Live and learn. Stay well Elf.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 11:48am
Hi Elf, here 's a big hug ((((elf)))) for you. I know its hard ending the R with OM. I'm kind of going thru that too. I think I would be kind of sad to know that it is truly over between us. But I know I will not be as upset as I would have been a few short months ago.

I've sort of changed my mindset too, I really have to work on things with H. And with MM around in my thoughts alot of the time, its not being fair to H. This I realize now.

And so I'm going on 2 weeks NC from MM. He started it again, but this time, it might be me that keeps it going. Take care,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 3:09pm
Yay, Elf, you know I'm glad to hear it!!! I know what you mean about feeling kind of blank right now -- I actually felt that way when my A ended; in fact, I mostly felt relieved. That feeling lasted for about a month. I don't know what made me weaken after that. So, just a forewarning that it might get a little tougher down the road. Meanwhile, though, keep in mind that you're really doing the best thing for OM, yourself, and your H! Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:30am
Thanks guys. These past six months have been very well... odd. Eye opening, surreal, bittersweet perhaps, I don't know. Part of me feels grateful for having experienced it and another part of me feels just plain ol' relieved it is over. I honestly feel that I have no intention on ever giving her another whirl, so to speak.

Today I find myself thinking not about the OM but rather about how things would have been had I actually left my H for this man. The thoughts are not desires of what I had wanted but instead just trying to envision myself waking up in the morning and going into his kitchen. Cooking on his stove. I wonder where I would sit to eat my food? What on earth would I do every day in somebody elses home?

He did phone me yesterday before I left work. He asked "is there anything you would like to say?" I hesitated for a moment and then I mentioned this board to him. I said "people there write about what they would say to the XOM if given the opportunity and I guess I would like to be positive that you are aware of how special this was to me. It would tear me up to learn that you are sitting there wondering if any of this mattered to me, beating yourself up over the way it all played out. That's what I'd like to say to you." He assured me that he believed our affections toward each other were the real deal, heart felt honest stuff.

So I guess I can ask for nothing more than that.

Elf