Time on my Hands
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| Mon, 04-26-2004 - 5:45pm |
The therapist has concluded that my H has social anxiety, is repressed, have fear of rejection, aversion to taking risks (even if that means initating sex with me, his wife) and has an extreme sense of embarrasment and shame.
My H has two brothers and they are similiar. I spoke with H on Friday about the possibility of doing some soul searching/fact finding about what life was like in his household--that three sucessful men would grow up to be so emotionally stunted. He said no.
I've been pulling back from him (again) since he said that. I am starting to dream now of having another A--with anyone, i don't care!
I tried to talk with him some more on Friday night, i curled up in his lap and i got no response. He said he was sick and went to bed early. Since then, i have busied myself with doing things that don't matter at all.
My marriage is not going to get any better if my H won't do some terribly hard work on himself. I am doing that work myself and it hurts and is painful.
BTW: not that it matters, but have not heard a word from XMM since i sent him a cute email last Thursday and a work related email this morning. Oh it hurts when you become about 20th on the food chain.
Clarice
Clarice

I guess what I am trying to say is that jumping into another A will not solve you problems with H. They are two separate issues. If things are so far gone with H that they don't not work out, then time alone can be a good thing. I am certainly not suggesting that you go that route. All relationships are hard work. But if things are not working out then the A is not the answer.
- B
Yeah, if all 3 boys are "successful" but have emotional issues, there's an excellent chance that something "not quite right" went on in that household. Unfortunately, H is only going to address it in HIS time and you can't really push him. (I'm thinking I knew you on another board in cyberworld...is my username familiar to you???) Something similar went on my family. I have 2 older brothers, both of whom one day chose to leave their wives. Both had been married about 13-15 years. Neither wife saw anything coming. Both refused any type of marriage counseling. Both left one day and never went back. Coincidence??? I think not. I can tell you that tons of really screwed up things went on in my family that would have prompted my brothers to act this way. My H has thanked me time and again that, no matter how unhappy I was in our marriage, I never packed up and fled during the night like my brothers. I'm the first one to stick around and try to make it work.
So, yeah, I totally understand your curiousity about these guys. Have any of them been in counseling? I gathered from your post that they're all successful in business, but what about their personal lives? Do they act pretty much like your H? I'd bet anything there's something there that they all need to face.
As for that business about you being 20th on the foodchain? No way! I'm an attorney so I figure I'm much further down than 20th! LOL. I'm somewhere just above realtors and car salesman. You're at least higher up the chain than I am, eh? Hugs, Clarice. We're here for you. Love, Mo
My other brother in law is 43 or so--never been married and has never had an intimate personal relationship that any of us know about. He has bad arthritis. I have often wondered if he is gay.
The other brother has been dating a woman for 5 years now, but i've never met her. They go out every Saturday night--that's it. Everything the boys do in this family is very routinized. Two years ago, i suggested that we all get together once a month for a family dinner. I wanted my sons to know their uncles. I planned the first gathering and then told one of the brothers they should be in charge of next month's event and we would rotate thereafter. The second gathering never happened.
When i point this out to my mother, she is so sad, because she says all i ever wanted was to have a big family with lots of sharing and love. This is one of the things that attracted me to xMM. he is in daily contact with his parents and inlaws and they see each other all the time as they live within blocks of one another.
What i've learned is their mother was very controlling (she and i don't get along at all--this is the first relationship i've had with anyone where the mother doesn't adore me!). She's very judgmental and something of a martyr. We haven't talked much since my oldest son was born (he is nearly 10 now) because i was having a terrible time breastfeeding and had a very, very fussy baby and she and her new husband just argued all the time while they were staying with us for a week or two. When i asked her nicely if she and her Husband could please stop arguing so much, they packed up their bags and went to stay the rest of their trip at a hotel near the airport. We've never really talked since then. So, i guess. i see, in Hs family, if you said something critical or had a need or point of view, you were in trouble.
I could go on and on. The bottom line is Hs family is one of acquaintances--they are all very polite to one another (and my H and I treat each other very politely too).
Clarice
We are also all very polite to each other. We talk about news and weather. After my dad died, my mother opened up a little bit more. When I was in rehab she came to visit me. I told her about the problems in my marriage and my OMM. She even had lunch with OMM and I once. I guess I forced her to become a little bit more intimate, but she was at least capable of it once my father's foreboding presence was gone.
Your H's family probably speaks to each other all the time because they are completely co-dependent. That happens in families with dysfunction and trauma. I, for one, can't handle "polite." In my adult life, one of the huge-est changest I made was a conscious decision to have not "polite" relationships. I either KNOW people or I don't bother. I don't engage in "cocktail" conversation or superficial pleasantries. If you're going to be in my circle, you need to be able to have substance.
So that must be terribly difficult for you. From your posts here, at least, you do seem to be a person that goes beyond "polite," and you're probably dying for some deeper level of interaction with all these folks, but especially your H. Intimacy is a very difficult thing to cultivate in someone else, however. And if he grew up in a setting where intimacy was not permitted, its very threatening. Its like you wish there was no such thing as being emotionally close to another person, so other people couldn't put you in the uncomfortable position of trying to get close to you. I can relate. I've worked very hard on this issue in therapy. My NA sponsor gave me a book recently, I can't remember the title, but it was about the intimacy issues adult children of alcoholics share and it was written about my life, I tell you. I could identify with everything in there. I understand that your in-laws are not "alcoholics" per se, but I'm sure they have all the personality traits of an active alcoholic or addict. That's what is usually at the root of total dysfunction.
Anyway, Clarice, with regards to your 3 choices, honey, you're all doom and gloom today. You have many more than the 3 choices you outlined, so please don't confine your thinking to those. Put this decision, and maybe the self-imposed deadline, away for a while. Try not to back yourself into a corner and make a decision that you are probably/obviously not ready to make. This is a major life issue and you need to take your time and discover more about yourself before you start shuffling things around. And if nothing else, honey, please do try to find happiness with another relationship and don't do the A thing ever again!!!!!!!!! Point made????? Love and hugs to you! Mo
**Terri**
In summary: If you have already decided that you want out and are looking for an excuse then investigate away. If you are looking to work on the relationship do not spy.
Its like asking if some one has cheated on you. If they say yes then you know. If they say no you most likely will not believe them no matter what they say even if it the truth.
- B
So, yes you are right. Whether or not he has had other As, i don't know. my gut is no.
Thank you for your insight.