Ah, the difference between......
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| Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:01pm |
so I'm feeling a bit maschochistic tonight (and procrastinating writing my LAST dang graduate paper) and found an old, old email from 12/31/2001 that I wrote to exMM, trying to end things. The funny thing is...I said ALL THE RIGHT things, intellectually....but I couldn't seem to break it off emotionally. After I wrote this email, he responded so kindly and allowed me to set the path. I said we should take a break for about 3 months, for me to go into therapy and figure out what was going on with me. But instead, I fostered the fantasy during that time and really, really built it up to grandiose levels. We reconnected, parted ways for 5 months and reconnected again until 1/04, when I finally said I can't do this.....again, I was more invested then he. But here is the email...I guess I'm just purging for the sake of purging.....(and I'm still shaking my head thinking that I could have AVOIDED all this pain way back when....)
General Norman Schwarzkoff once said:
"The truth of the matter is that you always know the right
thing to do. The hard part is doing it"
I *know* what the right thing to do is, but its just so
incredibly hard to do. I've thought about everything, ad
nauseaum, since that Friday night. I've had daily battles
in my mind. One morning I've thought one way, only to feel
another later on in the day, then feel completely different
in the middle of the night as I spend another sleepless
night. We both know that this needs to be put to a
screeching halt now. There is no other option. It will
just cause so much heartache otherwise. My heart aches now
and I've cried many of tears, but I know this will pale in
comparison if things progress.
That seems to be the crux of the problem. There exists this
intense desire to allow things to progress. Despite you
telling me that you are content in your marriage and you
have no intent on leaving your wife~I still have this desire
to move things further. That just isn't right. You've
stated your case and here I am trying to sabotage your
efforts. The other night you wrote that you felt like an
alcoholic reaching for that one last drink or two. True
friends help each other, not drag each other down. That is
what I feel like I'm doing to you. I would never do
anything to cause pain in my closest friends~so why would I
do this to you? or to myself?
Sadly, this makes me realize that there is something not
right about me. I'm trying to drag you into my dark little
world of sadness and loneliness. While you provide me with
temporary respite from the reality of my situation, I
believe it only causes disruption in yours. Who am I to
disturb your universe? You have made your peace with the
life you lead long ago. You have accepted your situation
for what it is and have chosen to continue in it for various
reasons.
I, on the other hand, know that my marriage is over. As
soon as I'm able I will be out of it but that will take
time. I have certain things to do first. I hate the fact
that I have to be here now, but I know it is the wisest
decision at this point in time, albeit very painful. Life
altering decisions need much thought and consideration and
must be made from carefully laid out plans.
I'm still cursing the day I met you (140 days and counting).
You see, my friend, I knew soon after moving back home
that my marriage was inevitably going downhill.
Despite my attempts to hold it together it went back to the
way it was before. I deluded myself for a while and even
chose to have another child (my third daughter). It became
painfully evident during that pregnancy that I had been
manipulated. I began to divert my attention to other
things.
I focused on my kids. I focused on my school. I focused on
my job. I focused on the homeowner's association. I
focused on the things that brought happiness in my life.
Good things, meaningful things. Despite my husbands attempt
to sabotage my efforts, I persisted; I pretended.
Then a series of events occurred. Apparently my Higher
Power decided my life was not challenging enough. It began
with the 'spitting' incident. The second event was how my
husband treated me before and the day I left for San
Francisco. He was miserable and he was mean. He never said
good bye, gave a kiss or hug, or said "I love you". As I
boarded the plane and it was taking off I thought "this
plane could crash right now and my husband never said good
bye or 'I love you'. If we crash, my last memory would be
of spit dripping down my face and his seething anger". He
was angry when I was in SF and he was angry when I got back.
That led me to such an incredibly sad, sad place.
The third event was meeting you. Like I said I focused on
the things that made me happy. But it was just filler.
Until I met you I was able to have these things fill myself
and it was so easy to deceive myself into thinking that all
men were like my husband. It made it easier to bear. That
not to say I was happy, though. No, I still cried on my
birthday and on Christmas because my husband didn't find the
time to get me a gift, other than a last minute dash to the
store, if that; I still went to bed on New years eve
swearing that this would be my final year in the marriage
(4 years and counting) but it was still easier to pretend.
Meeting you blew that out of the water. You have shown me
in these short 5 months that there *are* men who are
sensitive, introspective, reflective and thoughtful. There
are men who take ownership and responsibility within their
marriage and relationships. That some men do respect women
for intelligence and being who they are~not what they want
them to be. Some men can actually be supportive of anothers
pursuit in self fulfillment and understanding that the
process enriches a person, not destroys it. I got more
support from you in the past several months, then I have
received from my husband during the entire time I've been in
graduate school.
This, unfortunately, called back to the surface my
surpressed feelings. That despite my efforts to fill this
inner void, I find its never been filled...just covered up.
I want a relationship that compliments me. Not 'fulfills'
me or one that I 'live' for~because I would be searching
forever and I would be missing out the most important
piece...that only I can make myself happy.
I would love to be in a relationship with someone who, at
the end of a long hard day would still be able to turn and
ask me "what touched your soul today"; or who gets excited
for me when I pursue my dreams despite hardships it presents
to him, who can offer support during the lowest of times and
share in the best of times. Someone who recognizes that
self fufillment only leads to stronger bonds, not weaker
ones. That love is not about control, manipulation and head
games; its about letting go, challenging your beliefs that
one was taught as a child; its about growth. Idealistic, I
know, but I don't believe its too much.
I see these traits within you; or at least I have projected
them onto you. As I stated earlier, you've made it quite
clear you are happy where you are at. I need to stop
romanticizing this 'non-existant' relationship in my head.
I need to stop waving the apple of temptation under your
nose. Thats not who I am. That not what I want to be.
Sadly, I feel that what I've been reduced to.
The hardest part of this is the self introspection I need to
do. I need to address my role in my marriage, I need to
take some ownership. It is so much easier to blame then
accept responsibility. After the New Year I will enter back
into therapy to do some self exploration. I need to address
this self loathing that is becoming increasingly present in
my life. Part of me fears, but I know I need to face, that
maybe the problem does lie with me; that maybe I am
unlovable or difficult to love. I oftened lay awake and
wondered just why my husband treats me the way he does. Its
hard not to internalize it. I've begun to believe that
maybe I am too high maintenance; too high expectations;
maybe I'm just too damn needy.
All that being said, it is my hope that we are somehow able
to remain friends but to do so I will need to put some space
between us. I'm also making an assumption, after all this,
that you will want to remain friends. For all I know, you
just might consider me too ????(fill in the blank) to want
to deal with me. I guess, I would understand that and have
to own that. I suppose that is the risk I run in telling
the truth. But as the saying goes "the truth shall set you
free".
I would still love to intern at your agency but I guess that
is doubtful now. Perhaps in a few months I will contact you
to see if its in the realm of possibility. I/we won't know
until some time passes.
I've recently came upon a quote by Francois Muriac (who he
is I have no clue!) that I thought was fitting:
"No love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny
without leaving some mark on it forever"
You have left a mark on me forever, XXXXXX XXXXXX. To the
very depth of my soul.
May you have a very pleasant and serene New Years Eve. I
hope that 2002 brings you continued prosperity and health.
May you continue on your lifes journey and find continued
happiness and joy.
Take care, my friend and may God always bless you.
With much love and affection,
XXX
PS: your response, while desired, is your choice. I will
understand if you choose not to respond, though

I think I shared in the past that the biggest obstacle to me creating a life with OMM was that he wasn't particularly bright. And I think I've also shared that my H is probably the single most intelligent person I know and the best conversationalist I've ever met. Never a dull conversation with him. OMM was rather limited in this area, and sometimes, maybe more than sometimes, it made me uncomfortable. Oh, well.
Your thoughts are so well organized and yes, the darned difference between intellect and emotion. In early recovery, we often have difficulty determining the "right" thing to do because we've shall we say "compromised" many of our values during active addition. We generally believe that the "right" choice is always the more difficult. Its so easy to KNOW something on an intellectual basis, yet not be able to embrace it in your heart. You can rationalize all sorts of things, the best laid plans, etc., but not be able to execute them because your heart is in the way. I gotta wonder why that is... Its the human component. Without emotion, we wouldn't be human. I just wish it wreaked less havoc...
Love, Mo.
You know, I had forgotten that I had saved that email until last night...and honestly, I could not BELIEVE I had written it...the whole time I just wanted to smash my head and say "what am I? a MORON????"....I mean, I saw it waaaayyyy back then, and I saw where it would go, but I chose to go there anyway. {sigh} So, I guess I'm just a slow student in the lessons of life.
The thing that attracted me to exMM was that fact that he COULD understand what I wrote, as he was a very emotional and 'in-touch' type of guy (I guess that's because he's a former hippie...yes, he's a bit older than me...LMAO) whereas my h is SO NOT EMOTIONAL. Many of the things that I would discuss with exMM, I would try to talk to my h about (because, I thought over and over again, well--maybe I'm not being fair to h and not giving him a chance). There was one time where exMM and I had a very silly q & a about Easter (memories, silly traditions, etc) and we had a LOT of fun just discussing it. Later on, when I approached my h with the same topic...within five minutes he said "why the f*&k are you asking me such idiotic questions...this is a stupid conversation". So, I never approached him again (it was NOT the first time it went that way, but it was indeed the last). After that, I left my fun, silly and creative questions for exMM, usually via email. He was intellectual, deep,intuitive, spiritual and light all at the same time....whereas my h is very surface. (and I can't even tell you how much I miss that now).
but today, I realized that I'm not in as much pain as I have been recently. What seemed like throbbing pain, is more like a dull ache now, and every day it eases ever so slightly.
One day at a time......
dharma
Clarice
The other night was my 13th wedding anniversary. H took me out to dinner. I went on this real stream of consciousness thing about photography as art--after i had seen an interesting building in my city that invoked a powerful emotion in me about poverty then (when the building was built, probably in the 40s) and poverty now.
I went on and on. My H just looked at me with nothing to say. He changed the subject to his business. I realized then, as i have known for the duration of my M, that i just can't connect with my H on anything that is not surface.
It's a sad and lonely place, but i look for friends to have these types of conversations with now--now that xMM is gone.
Clarice
-B