My 3 Choices

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
My 3 Choices
6
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:05pm
my deadline of June 1st is nearing (on whether or not i am going to stay in this marriage). Here is how i see my choices:

1) stay in marriage (fearful of totally screwing up the kids' lives) and have another A (maybe this time with someone less conflicted and more available) to keep me fulfilled physically and emotionally. I have certainly learned you cannot fall in love if you are going to have an A. Maybe i could enter into one, with no strings attached. Yeah, right!

2) divorce (with fear i will end up like my mother: drinking too much wine and going to bed alone every night with a book). My mother never dated one man after my dad left her when i was in 4th grade.

3) stay in marriage and crawl back into a hole--not wanting or needing anything from anyone ever again!

Maybe i could get a divorce and find love and happiness? I just don't know. It seems a long shot at my age, 40, and my lifestyle (where everyone i know is married).

Maybe my kids won't be screwed up if we divorce? Maybe not; maybe so. But my decision to divorce will affect their lives the rest of their lives. They will always be children from a divorced family--shuffling around between two households and all the complications that come with that. (H already has a woman waiting for him--prime age for babies, 33). Yeah. I really want to enter into the world of step brothers and sisters.

Stay in marriage. Well i've done that now for 13 yeas--17 years together. I guess i could survive that--at least the kids will be happy.

I am just in a bad mood today.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
In reply to: claricews
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:32pm
If H already has a women in the wings it does not sound very much like he is expecting or wanting the marriage to work. But another A is definitely not the answer. Maybe the two of you should have a trial separation.

I am divorced. My marriage ended spring of 2000. My children are much happier now. My ex and I always fought. Now we can be in the same room together.

-B

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
In reply to: claricews
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:35pm
claricews,

((((((Hugs)))))) to you and know that you are not alone. I was faced with the same decision last October which is when I filed papers and at first I compromised with a legal separation but in the end went through with the divorce.

I come from a divorced family and I don't think anyone gets married to get divorced, and of course the effects on the kids. This was my 2nd marriage, so I feel like a failure twice around, although I know I am not truly a failure. I do know that parents are their children's teacher and when I am genuinely happy then my children are happy as well. My marriage was more damaging than being on my own. I keep open lines of communication with my children and they always come first as far as this divorce is concerned. They know that mom and dad got divorced and we did not nor will ever divorce them. I tell them that daily as well let them know how loved they are.

I'm not saying to get a divorce but just know that everything works out the way it always should and only you know in your heart what is healthy for you and what is not. 40 is NOT old and you can definitely find love that is without pain and become truly happy. I hope my words have helped a little bit. You are worth everything beautiful in this life, you just need to see and believe that, and it will come.

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: claricews
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:00pm
Clarice,

I definitely understand your torment with the decision. I've posted here before and I think we have very similiar circumstances.

Daily - no hourly - I change my mind about the future of my marriage. Of course, taking into account all the consequences (and yes,possibilities) the decision holds.

I am not overly concerned about meeting someone in the future and remarrying. Although, I guess I would eventually want to my concerns (like some of yours) are more about the children and being able to manage as a single mom. My husband absolutely wants to keep the marriage together - he does not have another woman on the side as you mentioned yours does. He would want more than anything for me to just love him again. But, my feelings for him are so dead at this point. I still care for him and don't want to hurt him but as far as any emotional or physical connection..its just not there.

I had an affair which began late last summer and has recently come to an end. I am confident that the lack of feelings for my husband and problems with the marriage caused me to let the affair happen. Not the other way around. I still talk to OM - he's married as well with children. We are still in love but he has made the decision to stay for the children. I think when we first fell in love - and yes, it was (still is) love, he was thinking about divorce as was I. But once you REALLY start looking at all the issues it's alot harder to act on.

I know my marriage is not repairable at this point. Its just a matter of time for me, so I think I was more willing to stay in the affair. However, XMM seemed to want it all (marrying me) or nothing and once he felt like he needed to stay for the children, we began separating emotionally.

I'm not sure why I am rambling about all of this. I guess I share your concern that if I stay in the marriage I will have another affair. But, its not really the excitement I'm searching for (although of course there is plenty of that isn't there good and BAD!?)but the emotional support, affection, and need to love someone.

I think about the effect divorce will have on my children all the time. One side of me says that I married someone I knew wasn't right for me - just to have the children (its a lot more clear now than it was then :). So, shouldn't I have to pay the consequences - not my kids? Sometimes I wish my husband could be hateful and do all the things I have heard other husbands do - ie, never at home, drinks to much, doesn't help out etc. The decision would be a lot easier.

I just haven't figured out how you make yourself fall in love with someone and want to be with someone you don't. If my hearts not in it, how can the rest of me be?? When my husband touches my I literally cringe. I can't stand his kisses or caresses - not in any sexual way. And this began long before the affair happened. I have read tons of books about relationship building/rescuing - related to fighting and communication, etc. But, all seem to presume that you still love the other person and want to work through the problems. None of them address the issue of being emotionally dead. Actually, the few that do discuss this mention leaving the relationship - but don't give any help for working through it - maybe because there is no help??!

I think women really need to have their primary relationship be fulfilling and happy in order for the rest of the areas of their life to be fulfilling. Men are better at compartmentalizing the different areas of their life. XMM once told me that although he didn't love his wife and the relationship was unfulfilling, he could find happiness in other areas of his life, ie, career, kids, friends, golf etc. Not all men think this way I'm sure, but alot of them do.

Clarice, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your emotional conflicts and feelings right now. I wish I had the answers myself (for you and me! :) Please continue to let me know how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: claricews
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 4:14pm
I absolutely KNOW that for my ex and getting a divorce was the best thing for us and for our daughter. I've been single for the past 8 years and except for a few months during the first year, I have not regretted the divorce. My ex and I are very good friends and have worked really hard to be good parents. Neither of us say negative things about the other and both support the other when it comes to discipline.

I've written about this before so won't go into a lot of detail but I think it's better for a child to grow up with divorced parents than it is to grow up with parents who are hostile, distant, cold, or anything less than loving and committed. (I think it's also important for kids to see their parents go through hard times and work them out...but I don't think a marriage should be seen as one, long, hard life.) In addition, I think that I'm important, too. How can I teach my daughter about being happy, taking care of herself, etc., if I were to have stayed in marriage that was miserable? I don't mean that I think it's okay to be selfish...but I think it's wrong to teach a child that if you make a mistake and have done everything you can to make it right but the situation isn't changing, that you have to be punished by staying in the situation for the rest of your life. I'd much rather teach my daughter that it's okay to be single and happy and self-sufficient.

Hopefully this makes sense...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: claricews
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 6:39am
Clarice (and rachel)~

Just wanted to let you know that you two are not the only ones struggling with trying to decide whether or not to end the marriage....and what, if any, effects it has on the children. I'm in the same boat, but with different issues in my marriage. I'm at a point now where my h would be happy with maintaining the status quo, keeping it going for the "sake of the kids" (and because I feel that he really really loves the kids and does not want to part from them....) but yet I CANT stay in a marriage that is COMPLETELY unfufilling for me. My h's mistreatment of me over the past 15 years, esp. in the past 6 or 7, has created some deep wounds that are TOTALLY unforgiveable. It also is the reason why I have, and will, refuse to have sex with him ever again (and its been this way for the past year). And let me tell you, I LOVE SEX (that and being in my late 30's....my libido is OFF THE WALL...sigh)...but I just can't be sexual with him anymore. (and, no, it has NOTHING to do with exMM).

My h is perfectly content to live in a sexless, intimate-less marriage. I'm not. But yet, I haven't mustered the strength to leave just yet. I just found out I got a job yesterday....and I start in June. Once I start having money coming in, good money too, that will probably ease any concerns.

Clarice...I know that there is a June 1st "deadline"...but what I say to you is: if you path is not clear and you are still unsure, then wait a bit more. Try, if you can, to be honest in your sessions or with your h and tell him all the things you HATE about the marriage but you are still unsure if you want to leave. In time, IF you are actively working on it (I mean yourself, not the marriage) your choices and your inner voice will reveal itself and which path to take. Its hard to make such decisions and we never know until much later on if its a good decision or a bad one.

I can't say that I think a A is the answer, but I do have a close friend who is active in an A and seems to be in a happy place with it(no drama, no unrealistic expectations, no demands of the other)....but I think that affair is more the exception than the rule.

Just wanted to let you know you guys are NOT alone in this process. Sorry for my early morning pre caffeinated ramble......

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
In reply to: claricews
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 8:51am
thanks dharmagurl. It DOES feel good knowing that you, and others, are in the same place. Thank you for your post.

What happened with your H, if you care to tell, in the last year that has made you decide to never have sex with him again?

My H would also be very content in a loveless, passionless marriage, which it has been for 13 years (nearly 18 years together). We have been having sex once or twice a year for at least a decade now.

Like you, i love sex--always have-- and just turned 40. My relationships prior to my H were very sexual and passion filled. Chose H because he was safe.

Clarice