He's Back!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
He's Back!!!!
16
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 4:33pm
Hello All,

I think last week I posted a message that I sent a closure email and then I went to NY for my best friend's wedding, so I haven't heard or contacted MM since last Wednesday I believe ( can't remember).

Basically he stated that he still wants to communicate through email and he hopes that one day we can get together for coffee or something. "Something", huh? Does he really think I'm that naive or stupid...HA!! Says he still loves me and one day we will be together. Yeah, right!!

I know I shouldn't sound so cold but I don't trust that he will follow through with leaving his wife and I'm tired of hurting and I'm emotionally spent. I can't put myself in a position again to get hurt. I will believe it when I see it, but I won't hold my breath.

My heart so badly wants to continue to keep contact but I am choosing to listen to my head this time and not let him back in. Does anyone find that cold and heartless?

MidnightBlue

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 5:13pm
Not cold and heartless, I would say strong and confident.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 12:49am

I totally agree! This sounds like a very confident, strong woman who has had enough! And, she's determined not to sit around and take any more.


Way to go, Blue!


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 1:12am
Good for YOU!!!! When MM entice us into staying email friends it only benefits their already huge ego! They want a buddy to confide to, a friend to stroke them, a friend to bring them back up when they're down. The problem with these type of men is that they don't immediately grasp the reality that their ACTIONS speak louder then their words!

I hope you stick to your guns.....stay determined to doing what is best for you because it's true that when we love someone and we set them free....they only come back if it's meant to be. We'll never know until we let them go.

Oh, and to answer your question............you're the complete opposite of cold and heartless! And, I hope you stay that way forever :)

I'm glad you're making YOU the #1 priority in your life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 7:11am


caring4me,

Thank you very much for your words of wisdom. I never thought of it like that. I am trying my best NOT to give in. My heart hurts but that voice inside my head is screaming so loud and won't let me.

I want to talk to him, I want to see him, I want to hear his voice, touch him...BUT I can't and I won't...I just can't [put myself through any more pain...

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 8:02am
Last week sometime I shared a link to a website about the Pursuer/Pursuee relationship and found that it seemed to describe what I was going through. As I read your post it also seemed applicable. In my case the OM has informed me that another woman would like to date him. I knew this was coming and like you, feeling that you can no longer take any of the pain, I was ready for him to move on. So we said our goodbyes. His last comment was "if things don't work between you and your H will you promise to contact me?" I told him that wasn't really recommended. This comment broke his heart and I imagined him stewing about it all day until he finally did call me about 2 hours later. This conversation however took an unusual turn. The first call was very sincere, we love each other, wish each other well, blah blah blah. During the second call he said that he was worried I might seek out even another person to have an A with and this thought made him jealous. Oh yes, that's exactly what I'm planning - NOT!! Good grief where did that come from? So was I offended? Nah not really but I found it necessary to appear hurt by this statement.



It was as though during the first call he was testing the waters to see if I would come running back to him begging him not to end it (he was the pursuee, thinking that I would pursue him). When I did not respond to him that way he later called me to do more talking (thus pursuing me). It was as though he needed to convince himself that I was desperately crushed that the relationship was ending. During the past two days I have found myself somewhat comforted by the knowledge that he does care for me that strongly. Kind of like "Na,na,na,na, na na he wants me." Yet at the same time after the first phone conversation it ended with him having doubts that I felt that strongly about him.

My point is perhaps your XMM needs to comfort himself with the knowledge that you are that heartbroken about him.

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 8:19am


elf,


I did tell him the day I broke it off that my heart was broken, and when I sent him my last email, giving closure ( more for me than him) I told him again how my heart hurt but that I need to come first. He didn't want it over, but he's going through "my own journey", he said to me, and I told him I wish him peace and love, but I can't go with him on whatever journey he's taking.

In his recent email he said that he NEEDS to still at least hear from me through email because he needs to feel that my spirit is always with him in order for him to "exist" ( his word). I know his feelings are genuine and strong, but if it was strong enough then he would do what is necessary to be with me. He also said that he will be "coming home soon" and that I should keep my heart open because he doesn't want to have to take me away from someone else.

A long while ago I tried breaking it off and he tried the "I'm going to date others" and my reaction was not what he expected. I told him to go ahead and do what he feels is necessary. Well, his reaction was to break down and tell me that there will never be another...so that tactic did not work. This time he knows I'm serious and I know he is not faring too well, but I can't worry about that even if my heart wants to give in.

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 3:37pm
elf and MidnightBlue,

Have you ever watched Immortal Beloved? Its a good movie. The "exist" made me think of it. Other movies have lines like that for us hopeless romantics but the ones that end tragically are the best. Is that life imitating or art imitating life?

Elf, I have not figured out how to "do" the archive thing on here could you send me an email link for the Pursuer/Pursuee relationship?

Are we doing this to ourselves? Is there a chance one day we can fix what is broken so that we no longer end up in these kinds of situations.

I have always had very bad luck in terms of relationships. I must be a bad judge of character or something. It shouldn't have to hurt if its love.



I made some of those kind of statements and felt those emotions when things ended with my xMW. She did too, she also said I should find someone else, if I felt that I had too. That hurt me more than anything else I think. I couldn't tell you why.

- B

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 4:09pm


totalknowledge,

I think that statement hurt you so much because when we love someone so much, more than we ever thought was possible and then to hear that person tell you to find someone else, if that's what's necessary, goes straight to the core of the love you feel for the other person. Do I make any sense? I know when my MM said that he would find someone else in the future I knew it was a "scare" tactic, which didn't work. If I knew he truly meant it then I would be devastated. The core of the love that is felt is so sacred, so pure, and so genuine it surrounds one's entire being, at least that is my experience and how I feel. For anything to hurt that or taint it feels like a shot through the soul.

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 4:41pm
Dear Midnight, I'm not even sure why I feel that I need to know that he his hurting just as much as I am that what we had must come to an end. I mean what's the point really when it simply wasn't enough for him to feel that he had to do what was necessary to prevent it from happening to begin with. My heart aches so much that I feel like I am so angry, but I'm not sure at who, me or him. I know what I must do to stop this pain, but executing it seems to be a whole different story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 8:33pm


dek8109,

I have learned that anger is actually a secondary emotion. Anger is an indicator of something that has to change, so it is actually a very healthy, useful emotion...if used in a healthy way. Usually there are secondary feelings lying underneath the anger. It's uaually either sadness, hurt, or fear, or a combination of the three.

Knowing how much pain is involved in these situations, after awhile the hurt and pain become too much for one to bear so the mind and heart needs to protect itself in order to function, so anger is the easiest form in which to take. Anger can actually "move" a person to do what is necessary in order to find what is in their best interest.

In order to heal from these A's we would have to actually go "through" the entire process of the sadness, pain and hurt...and not to "get over it", like some people advise. The only way to true healing is to go "through" it. Which as we all know is far easier aid than done.

Although I have had NC for almost 2wks, I know there is a part of me that is hanging on to the hope of getting that long awaited email, phone call, etc. The difference now is that I am VERY aware of what I am doing so I feel that I am getting closer to coming to grips with the fact that it is never going to happen. When that day comes is the day when the true pain and hurt and sadness will begin. I know I am still protecting myself from all that, even though I have felt all these feelings because I have made the choice of NC, I just know that I am only halfway there and I am prolonging the pain, which I also know is not healthy. That's why I'm here posting and reading everyday, so I can become stronger. To me this message board has become my online journal of sorts, but one that "talks" back and I have gotten the chance to get to know a lot of amazing women and some men.

MidnightBlue

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