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| Wed, 04-28-2004 - 7:08am |
New here, with a hell of a long story (4 year affair) which ended very badly recently.
And by badly I mean he hit me after I told him I wanted our affair to end...I am now recovering, but have two fractured ribs and multiple brusing to my body.
He never hit my face. It's not the first time he's marked me either - its the second.
I am safe now and away from him.
I'm trying to get on and rebuild what's left of my life - done all the right stuff like change my numbers, email etc...there's a part of me that's missing him.
What the hell is wrong with me? I don't know perhaps 4 years is gonna take some getting over. Anyone got any thoughts on this?
Sometimes I can think clearly...at this moment now I just can't.
Someone please talk to me.
Love to all.
S. xx

scarletlady,
First of all I want to say how proud I am of you to get out of that abusive relationship. You are very strong and brave to leave. There is NO reason or excuse to ever put hands on a woman. My heart goes out to you and I know that you will come out of this on top. Whatever you do...DO NOT give in and go back or even talk to him or give him any reason to think you are willing to at least talk to him. He has deep issues that have nothing to do with you. I hope you know this and know that it is NOT your fault for anything this man says or does. He has a distorted sense of what's right and wrong and what's healthy. It's all about power and control, and it is NOT love!! No matter how he says,puts it, or tries to lure back into his demented world. Even if there were happy times, it WILL happen again!! Trust me, I know from experience!!
Now, the sermon is over...welcome to the board and I hope you keep posting, the people hear are awesome and you are NOT alone. You are priority one so take very good care of yourself and I promise you that it will get easier, it will get better. Counseling might help you to avoid relationships like this and to learn how to put you first. Keep writing and take everything one day and one step at a time. ((((((Hugs)))))) to you!!!!
MidnightBlue
MM has tried to contact me a few times since I moved away from where I was to where I am now.
He hasn't succeeded as he only got through to my folks and he since hasn't tried again.
I did hear his voice on my voicemail and I did freeze.
But that was a little while ago now.
I don't want to talk to him again and I certainly will never go back to him - I couldn't...whatever little trust I had for MM in the first place (he's broken my trust before - like I said loooonnnngg story), there is absolutely none now - and it can never be regained.
I just found myself earlier actually missing him - the good side of him...pathetic isn't it?
You are right that he does have some serious issues with aggression/violence/power/control etc - I'm having to accept that now.
There were signs that were beginning to show how he wished he could control me and he didn't like my career becomming more successful. He was and I think still is in the process of divorcing his wife for me...but something to do with his temper made me want to call off our affair altogether which is then when he turned very nasty.
Thanks for the welcome...I really really appreciate it.
I am taking care of myself now, but like the Police Officer told me when I had this incident noted, emotional scars are going to take a lot longer to heal than any of the physical ones.
I hope I stop loving him eventually. I loathe what he's done to me, but I don't entirely loathe him...does that make sense?
Once again, love, light and thanks to you.
Scarlet. x
scarletlady,
You are right about the emotional scars ( the ones no one sees because they are on the inside) will take longer.
It does make sense that you still love him, or I should say you love the "good" parts of him and that is what abused women hang on to. They think that "if I just love him enough", or "he's just misunderstood", or "he had a bad upbringing/childhood", the list goes on. There are plenty of people who have had it rough one way or the other, BUT not everyone CHOOSES to abuse another. Abuse is not even about his "feelings", it's about the pattern an abusive man "thinks". It's all about his perception and the way he "thinks". That might not make sense but from everything I have learned and are still learning, abusive men are very aware of what they are doing and what they're goals are. They know exactly what they are doing and are very conscious of it. If you were to ask most (not all)abusive men if they would do to their mother's what they do to us, I guarantee you would get a reaction like, "I would never do anything like that, that's my mother", but then they would do it to us, hence what I said, they are very aware of what they do, no matter how many times he says he's sorry.
Anyway, you are right to do everything necessary to keep him away from you. If he is divorcing his wife then I am happy for HER. He has no doubt done the same to her.
You are doing a great job, keep up the good work and keep writing and have a peaceful day.
MidnightBlue
People that now know about this (I had to come clean about my affair for a number of reasons, not only the fact that I had to explain who did it) are in no doubt that he's done this to his soon-to-be- ex wife.
i have described to the police officer's who saw me how he hit me and just other little things and they are of the opinion as are other people now that he is a practised abuser.
It hurts me so much to have to face the reality that this is the man I fell in love with and gave everything to.
I am doing everything that's right but I just don't feel right. In fact inside I don't know what I feel a lot of the time. One minute I feel confident, sorted and know what I am going to do to get my life back on track. The other, bereft without MM even after what he's done to me.
It's probably all part of coming to terms with whats happened.
One thing I have promised myself - I will never go back to him.
I'm just trying to deal with how I am feeling right now which is why I am here.
Sorry for waffling.
Love & light.
Scarlet. x
scarletlady,
The feelings you are going through are normal. You probably feel defeated, lost, confused, trying to understand how this all could have happened and the feelings of love towards MM. I know when I woke up from my 10 year relationship with my now ex-husband I couldn't believe how he tore apart my spirit. I felt broken. This was the person who said he loved me but then would tear me apart and play all these psychological/emotional games.
My 1st husband was a violent/verbal abuser, and now my 2nd was everything but the physical abuse. The scars that have been left feels like I have been digging myself out of a very dark hole and everytime I start to see the light something else clouds over it. It has been a long way out for me BUT I now am in the light and sometimes it's very bright but sometimes it's very dim. This is due to my relationship with my MM. My MM gave me the strength to finally walk away from a very draining abusive marriage. I didn't divorce my 2nd H because of MM, but I did think that my action would spark something in him to move on himself and the fact that he hasn't has only prolonged the hurt.
The very bright side to all of this is that I am finally getting to know myself and not worry about others. To take care of ME, the most important person in my life and my children's.
It does get easier, I promise and you are where you are supposed to be right now at this very moment. The pain and all th eother feelings are indicators of something that has to change and in order to move forward you must go "through" these feelings to get to the other side and learn from it so it never happens again.
Now I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I really wish you only good things and I have faith you will be just fine. Have a great day!
MidnightBlue
I am so sorry to hear that you've had to suffer what you have, but I feel really proud of you knowing that you've come through it and are continuing to come through it.
I just feel so confused in myself right now...I go back to work next week (I can't stay here doing nothing anymore I'll go mental) and even though I have changed my contact details like mobile no./email etc...there's nothing to stop him turning up at my work and facing me there.
I still feel so vulnerable towards him...I loathe what he has done to me but I don't loathe him. Infact I still love him deep down but I pray that fades in time.
How do I get through this - if I mention that I still love him to people that know now about the affair and what he's done...they'll flip and think I've lost my mind...have I?
Love & light and thanks for replying as always.
Scarlet. x
scarletlady,
The way to go through this is exactly what you're doing. Have you thought of counseling since I know you said it's hard to talk to the ones who know. A counselor is an objective party who won't judge or critize you and your feelings.
It's okay to love him, it takes time to move through those feelings even though you know that he is a dangerous person. It's a cycle that only you can stop and you have and I hope you keep the strength to continue. Knowing you are vulnerable DON"T let him know this even if you have to fake it, otherwise that's his shoe in to drag you back into his world. He will prey on your moments of weakness or vulnerablility and that is dangerous.
Other things to help the healing process is to keep a journal. Writing gets everything OUT of your mind and onto the paper so it doesn't stay bottled up in your mind making you feel like your going insane. Take your time and go slow. Work is good because it can keep you busy and distracted, but don't drown yourself in it to avoid your feelings. Your feelings are important and NEVER small or stupid and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
I'd better go because I have an interview. Take good care of yourself and I'll be here if you need me.
MidnightBlue
I hope I am finding my way through this and I have thought about counselling.
I don't feel I could cope with counselling at the moment, as good an idea as that is.
I know that he'll know just how vulnerable I am right now and if he manages to catch me at work, I know he'll probably see this no matter how hard I fake it and try hard to fake it I will. He'll be able to see that I miss him, as unbelievable as that is after everything he's done.
It's like it's turning into a battle of wills now...I just hope I win.
I am keeping a journal and its getting really really long but there is that much going on right now I need some sort of outlet or I'll go crazy.
Best of luck with the interview (if its for a job or something).
Hope it all goes so so well.
Love & light.
Scarlet. x