Can you get feelings back for husband?
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Can you get feelings back for husband?
| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 5:12pm |
I was just wondering if anyone out there has been in the situation like I am now where you have totally lost feelings for your husband? We've had problems since the beginning of our marriage. Its been the last several years (of nine total) that I have no sexual feelings for him - in fact aversion. I did have a six month affair that just ended a couple of months ago - but honestly I felt this way about my husband long before the affair. I think the affair was a side effect of the troubled marriage.
Has anyone tried to work on a marriage with success in which you had no desire to (other than to keep it together for the kids)? All the books I have read are about dealing with fighting/arguing (which we don't do - we used to but that stopped when I just gave up), better communication, etc. but all with the assumption that there is still feelings of love. I don't hate my husband, in fact I hate the thought of hurting him. But, honestly, if he were to leave tomorrow or if I found out he was having an affair, I would be relieved.
Please if anyone has any experience with this or has read any books dealing with this let me know.
Thanks!
Has anyone tried to work on a marriage with success in which you had no desire to (other than to keep it together for the kids)? All the books I have read are about dealing with fighting/arguing (which we don't do - we used to but that stopped when I just gave up), better communication, etc. but all with the assumption that there is still feelings of love. I don't hate my husband, in fact I hate the thought of hurting him. But, honestly, if he were to leave tomorrow or if I found out he was having an affair, I would be relieved.
Please if anyone has any experience with this or has read any books dealing with this let me know.
Thanks!

We've been trying since all this started--last spring and honestly, we haven't gotten very far. We've never had a strong partnership or passion for one another--but we've lived very well together as roomates and buddies--hardly ever fought.
I do think this marriage will end in divorce, as he and i both now know--after our respective love affairs with others--that we are not right for one another, for many reasons.
At this point, i have been--and continue to keep it together for the kids--but i am getting closer to the reality of divorce (and accepting that) everyday. It's been a long process for me. Working in baby steps.
I never would have had an A had i not thought my M was over. I have been attracted to men throughout my relationship with my H (even on my wedding day, i was attracted to another man--just how completely sad and pathetic is that?). I don't think there is any going back for me. My A is over--and there never was any possiblity that xMM would leave his wife.)
I find the same situation as you described when i am in therapy. All the solutions seem to work best for couples that at least had something strong at one point. My H and i never did--so there is little to no foundation there to draw on.
Clarice
The main reason I'm posting is because I know exactly how you feel about your husband. I too no longer have any feelings left for my husband. I am trying to end an almost three year affair with a man in England, so I can hopefully find the strength I need to stay married, to get back the feelings I had for my husband when I met him fourteen years ago, keep my family together. The affair took so much out of me, although honestly it was the best time of my life, I'm feeling the need to end it so I can get my life back...instead of spending hours upon hours on the phone, renting PO boxes, making up lies to visit England, lies for when the OM comes to visit, I need the energy back for me. I am extremely saddened by the thought of never seeing the OM, of never hearing his voice again, of waking up and not having the daily emails to start my day, but I just have to believe that if I had the strength to keep the affair going for three years, I must have it in me to find love for my husband again.
I hope you get more replies, I wished I could be of more help. Just know you're not alone. Do try the Oprah thing, maybe the counselor who was on her show that day has a book out on getting love back. Also Dr. Phil has a book called Relationship Rescue, but I'm not sure if it addresses our specific problem. I know this must happen to most married couples at some point in a marriage, so you would think there would be alot of info out there.
Good luck
Lisa
I don't have much time to post...but your question has had me thinking a lot about this. I've read the responses and it seems that it has to be a DUAL effort to reclaim what has been lost in the marriage. It CANNOT be one sided. Both spouses must agree to work towards increasing the intimacy and love lost in the relationship.
My problem is...it was never there to begin with. I married my h due to having a child out of wedlock with him, and being young. I knew from the beginning that he was MUCH different from me....but I guess I thought I could change...he could change.
The reality is.....you can't change people and what you see is what you get. My h has his different likes and passions---they are, unequivably different from mine. I so strongly connected to captain_koo's response (and his initial post) because I am going through something similar from a female perspective: where my h and I are on much different planes emotionally, intimately, spiritually. After my relationship with exMM, I now realize that I can NEVER have with my h what I had with exMM. Not that I don't want it...but he is NOT capable of it, because he is just not wired that way. It doesn't matter how much counseling or changing either one of us does.....it just simply that we are two people vastly different from each other, who want very different things out of a relationship. I'm not saying that I'm better.....just different.
Now the question is....what to do? How long do I stay? OR should I stay in a passionless, sexless marriage for the sake of the kids? OR do I leave, for myself and my reasons, and then subject the kids to the wonderful world of 2 different households, divorce and step families (though, I believe, at this point...I would not subject my children to that situation).
(sigh)...more on this later...gotta get back to my cursed paper....just some random thoughts
hugs
dharma