Need a Man's Opinon

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Need a Man's Opinon
1
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 6:45pm
I have been married for 20 yrs. I just recently had my first affair.

He is a police officer who works at my place of employment.We knew each other a little over a year before the affair started, he is the one that initiated it, and also the one that ended it after 5 months. He said he wasn't eating or sleeping and was very short with wife, kids and guys at work. He asked me if I thought we could still be friends, I told him yes, it was difficult at first- going back to the way things were before the affair.

Then after a couple of weeks, I would catch him looking at me, he gets a certain look in his eyes, and his cheeks get all flushed.

I asked him one day if I was still seeing that look in his eyes, and he told me "yes, sometimes."

I know we are both always wondering what the other one is thinking, I still think he is attracted to me and I am still attracted to him.Another officer at the bank asked me one day if I was having an affair. He said that he could tell a difference in the way that my xMM looked at me and the way he acted when other officers were around. Then another officer told the one that he thought me and xMM were having an affair, just a hunch but he sensed it.

Can guys tell those kind of things? I guess they can see the way we act around each other, though we tried really hard to keep it secret. We have always talked and picked on each other, so that's not it.

Also do you think the chances of starting the affair again are greater if you do continue to work with each other and once things settle back down at home??

Any input would be appreciated.

I never thought I would have an affair, or how it would change the person that you are, always thinking about it, wondering if he is also thinking about me and the affair. Neither of us regret that we had the affair, the attraction and chemistry was so strong, how do you make it go away if you still see the person on a regular basis?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:59am

Make it go away? You simply choose not to walk that path.


Perhaps it sounds simplistic, however, from personal experience, the choice to end an affair and remain friends and work together is possible. You both need to choose to value the rest of your lives more than the thrill of the affair.


Yeah, reality can get boring and the affair can give temporary relief, however, what your xMM lover told you is a real clue as to his take on his involvement in an affair with you...the lying was getting to him and he chose to stop living a lie. Contrary to your statement, I think he does have some regrets about having an affair with you. So the affair actions ended. You're still an attractive woman to him, so the memories of your body run through his thoughts as he looks at you. That will probably continue for the rest of his life when he looks at you. Years later, I still remember the women I was in affairs with. I no longer have the urge to do anything, however, you can't unlearn knowledge you've gained, even if it is something like a physical knowledge. It comes down to choice of actions. i choose the life I have without affiars or any other