Diffusing the emotions...

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Diffusing the emotions...
5
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 11:54am
I wrote last week about how XOM and I both have children on the same sports team and after 8 weeks NC and hardly seeing him I worried that it would be difficult...

Well no kidding - it certainly was. We didn't say one word to each other or even look at each other. I suppose much of that was my doing, I just felt so uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure he was doing what he could to make me jealous - making plans right beside me to go on a vacation with his wife and being very affectionate to her. I know some couples are just that way, but you would think out of respect for my feelings he would't dothat. Just 2 months ago we were planning a life together - amazing how fast men get over you hey? Or not (as it could be) and like to tick you off cause they're ticked off!

ANYWAY...I thought about it alot last night and realize I just must get past this. I'm not going to contct him (I certainly know better than that) but I think the next time I see him I will stop with the avoiding/ignoring thing and say a simple hello or whatever. Keep it short, but civil. As long as there this 'anger' between us there is still an us, and I guess I just want to take it down a level to a 'forgive and forget' mode without actually addressing it, just letting it naturally evolve. I think I need to to get over it.

Things are so much better and so much easier now. The first month was so hard and emotional and now I see my future without him and I have so much hope for fixing my marriage and having happiness and peacefulness again. Its amazing how you can literally lose your mind while in there affairs. I can't believe some of the things I did and potentially did. Scary.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else, or if anyone has any advice for how I manage this transition from anger/hurt to civilty - maybe I just need to take a deep breath and do it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:02pm
No no no!!

Do not open any doors at this point - even a freindly hello. Ignoring and focusing on you - your kids- is what you should be doing. Not focusing on his behaviors with his wife or ANYTHING. Its been a month - its will take a long time hun and you are going thru the stages of greif which includes anger, resentment this will fade!! TRUST ME KEEP UP THE NO CONTACT ITS THE ONLY THING THAT HAS WORKED FOR ME!!!

I just posted about that its been 11 months since my break up with xom and I ran into him. Even the littlest hello opened a door. I truly think if NOTHING was said it would have been easier because I even analyzed the WAY he said hello for crying out loud!! Just ignore- act as if and eventually xmm will just dwindle into the dull background just like everyone else.

Turn your focus to Y-O-U

hugs --

racychk30

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:21pm

I TOTALLY agree with the other poster.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:31pm
Hmmm...maybe you're right. Maybe it would be opening the door - I don't want that. I feel like I'm finally on my way to mental health again - I don't want to mess with that. I guess when I think of what message I'm sending, ignoring/avoiding means 'I don't want to talk to you', and even simple conversation means 'Sure I'm open to talking' and perhaps its just too soon for that. It hasn't been that long - the wounds have just started to heal over really.

Thanks for the posts!! And I hate to say it, but I'm already praying that next weeks games are rained out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:12pm

Crystal, I disagree with racy on this one. I think you are putting it in a proper perspective. You live near one another and your kids are on the same teams. You will continue to run in to this man and his wife. The total ignore which is so much the opposite of what was there before isn't going to work long-term when you're both in the same community.


I doubt that he even considered your thoughts or feelings as he spoke with his wife. He was probably just going on with his life. Don't try to put any importance on that type of behavior. While he may be hurting deep down like you are, he's much more experienced at compartmentalizing it, not showing his feelings. Try to just let it go. Ignore that!


Next time yo see him at a game or practice, be courteous. Be polite, but do not be overly friendly. Treat him and his wife as you would any other parent or couple at the game. By treating him/them as you would anyone else, you are showing how strong a person you are and how you have gotten past all the crap of the affair. You may be the only one who knows you're past it, but then you're the only one who matters. And, get on with your life.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 6:21pm
i have this nightmare of a problem, as my two sons are involved in two leagues (baseball, where i am too a coach and a commission--and xMM is in charge of the whole thing) and soccer (in the fall). After the A ended in July of last year, i didn't see xMM until i unexpectantly ran into him on the soccer field. Unfortunatley, he coached at the same time my boys played. We dealt with that fairly well--but we mostly ignored one another. When contact started up again (but never to the same degree as during the A) we would say hello but that was really it.

Now that little league is here--he doesn't acknowledge me at all. I am counting the days until it ends, because that is when my official NC begins (again!).

I have thought about this the last few days, that certainly, this xMM is a person that is going to be in my world--for at least the next few years--as our children's paths cross.

What i recommend, is just say a polite hello with a smile. I agree with you that anger between the two o f you, still means there is still something between the two of you. Only time is going to take this away. It's really, really hard. I have wondered if i am going to have to pull my kids out of these various sports leagues (and then what happens if they kids all end up in middle school togehter? which is a possibility, though remote). I would never be able to explain to my family why i would have to pull them out--so, i guess i just have to learn to deal with it.

I have also thought that "diffusing" emotions would help. I used to think NC was stupid, because NC means, in a way--the silence--that there is still something between us. I think i am wrong on that now--and that is one of the reasons why it has taken me absolutely FOREVER to get over this.

Hang in there. Maybe in time, for us both, we will be able to be near these people and not care. I do know for one, that i have coached ball this month--while xMM coached on a nearby field--and i totally forgot to even check in on him or glance his way.

But understand, my team plays his team on Sunday--and that will certainly be very difficult. I will be friendly and nice and then i will walk away--like i never even knew him. Then, i'll go home with a pit in my stomach and cry and have a glass of wine.

Good luck. It's really, really hard--but imagine if we, like some here, had to work with xMM. That's got to be even harder.

Clarice