Angry and Hurt
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| Fri, 07-23-2004 - 11:53pm |
I know what he's doing. He wants to keep me on the side, but when it is convenient for him. He wants me to know this is about him, his schedule, his needs. I am so stupid for giving into him, for falling for him in the first place. I feel like such a fool for letting him get to me. And yet at the same time I can't get him out of my head. Why is that? Why do we always seem to fall the hardest for the ones that will hurt us the most in the long run?
I apologize for the length of this. I'm just ready to pull my hair out. He wants to come across as this nice guy. He doesn't see anything wrong in the way he is behaving. Yesterday when I got upset with him for playing with my emotions he acted as if I was over-reacting. To him I'm sure I am since this was supposed to only be a fling, no feelings were supposed to be involved. To him it was merely two consenting adults seeking a little companionship. After two-and-a-half years, I would harly call it a fling.
One thing that really ticks me off is that he can't be honest with me about anything. Last week just after my attempt to end things with him and just before he left on his vacation I talked to him about me looking for another job. I thought it would be best for me. I asked what he thought about it because it was going to leave him stranded in the middle of a large project. He couldn't give me anything but a smart aleck remark. Finally after practically pulling teeth, he told me he didn't want me to leave and that he wanted us to continue to work together because we made such a good working team. UGH! I think it had more to do with trying to keep me by his side.
I wish I could just walk away from my job, but I can't. The pay and benefits are excellent and I would have a hard time explaining it to DH. I just wish MM would be less of a jerk and realize how much he has hurt me. I just want some peace of mind instead of feeling like I'm going crazy everytime I'm around him.
Sorry again about the length, I just wanted to vent about what a jerk MM was and how stupid I feel for falling for his act. He used to make me feel so good. Here was an extremely good looking guy (the all-american football jock type) who was interested in me (the "I was never popular in school" type). He made me feel sexy and wanted. He made me feel good about myself, things my DH hasn't done in a long time. He would tell me I was beautiful and how much he wanted to be with me. I know now those things he was saying was just part of his plan to get me just where he wanted.
I just want to stop caring, to stop letting him get to me. I don't want to feel anything.

The sad truth is that MM will continue to play these games with you as long as you let him. Here he is taking complete advantage of your emotions, making smart aleck remarks, being hot and cold when it suits him, and you are allowing it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but an A is just a vicious cycle, and as long as you allow yourself to be a part of the cycle, you will continue to get hurt.
If you absolutely must have contact with MM at work, and it sounds like you do, keep it completely professional. Be somewhat cold if you have to, but don't get sucked back into his little games. Avoid him if possible, and try not to put yourself in a position where you have to be alone with him. If he persists, and doesn't leave you alone, you may want to re-consider that job change.
In order to stop caring, to stop feeling, and to get your life back, you have to start by taking baby steps. Let MM know clearly that the A is over, and that you hope he can respect your wishes by keeping his distance. Stay strong, and let us know how you are doing!
((hugs))
Circe
Sorry but I am going to come across pretty harch sounding, but it is for your good and only your good.
XMM is a low down woman using jerk, he clearly does no care about you at all he is power tripping over keeping you dangling on a string were he can come over and torment you when ever the mood strikes him, this is a sadistic person, he wants you to stay only so he can use and abuse you at will.
It will be much easier explaining a job change to DH then explaining XMM to him, make the job change ASAP, forget the perks there not worth going through this are they.
Get out of that place and don't tell the xjerk what your up to there is nothing to be gained by telling him.
Good luck
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