1 yr post...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
1 yr post...
9
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 8:10pm
Please believe I'm not a saint!!! All I had to do was breath in and out for a year and yes things did get better... time does wonders! Do I still love him? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. My emotions really rocked my world for a long time and I did lose track of my goals in life. When the pain was new my life goal had to be changed to get out of bed in the morning and take care of my child. Now my goals are again looking forward to something much bigger. I've not lapsed since last Sep maybe? by writing a pitiful I miss you e-mail or anything. That makes me feel good. Because I do deserve better. I have a boyfriend we've been dating since Nov of last year. I have broken up with him off and on because I couldn't resolve my feelings for XMM. However, we're still together and going slowly. I do wonder if thinking about Xmm is some kind of cheating? I guess it's just cheating myself out of my own best interest. Sometimes I think I want to talk to him to have closure. But, more often I know I've already closed the door myself.

To conclude... I once had to read this board everyday to keep my sanity and now I look at it once and awhile to remember how insane I was....

Best wishes to all of you still struggling with the emotions.

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: nykatja
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 1:12am

Thank you for your candid comments and congratulations on your recovery from your EMA.


I think your relationship with your SINGLE boyfriend will continue to strengthen as more time passes from the past and xMM......


Please feel welcome to visit and share anytime.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: nykatja
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 1:21am
Hi Katja,

I'm so glad to hear that things are going well for you. How's your baby? You are someone I will remember for the rest of my life. A stranger on a message board who sent encouraging words my way that for many months held me up like I crutch.

I visit here a little more often than I should and post on another board way more than I should. I am completely over the A and ending but still dealing with a few things. I still work with my XMM which I think has maybe prolonged this whole ordeal. We keep everything strictly work related and it seems to be working ok. Time passes, life goes on and in the end it will all work out.

Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: nykatja
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 8:46am
Wow...katja, thanks so much for posting this here. I think that there are a lot of us who can gain strength from your story. I am so happy to hear that things are going so well for you. It sounds like you have your life back and have moved on from the A.

Thanks again for sharing this with us!

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nykatja
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 1:51am
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
In reply to: nykatja
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:03pm
So well put!!! I'll have my "one year" certificate soon. I loved what you said:

"I once had to read this board everyday to keep my sanity and now I look at it once and awhile to remember how insane I was.... "

I think I remember your name from back then, Nykatia. You won't have closure. Live in the present. Don't dwell on the past, and don't focus so much on some fantastical (surreal) future that you miss the present moment. I'm finding solace in the "NOW".

You sound great. Congrats!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: nykatja
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 7:17pm
I'm just wondering if any other "oldies" out here fessed up to their spouses. I'm almost at the 1 year mark and over the A. I told my H almost 4 months ago. Two weeks ago I told XMM what my H knows. Needless to say he was a tad upset with me. He said I was forcing him to tell his W, which he allegedly did.

I'm wondering if I have created it to be much more complicated than it should have been. I couldn't live with the guilt of keeping the secret from my H and felt like I had to tell. I read things from those that were here when I first came and you sound like you have moved on and forgotten the whole thing. Here I am still going at it, still trying to figure it out and understand it all.

The 2 men involved, my H and XMM, have taken a "lets forget it and pretend like it never happened" attitude. I have myself just yesterday decided that is now going to be my attitude. Maybe I can force myself to believe it was all just a bad dream. The men seem to be able to do it.

Don't get me wrong, I am well over the A itself, it's just the rest of it that has really messed with my head that I am still dealing with, even after all the time that has passed. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure it out and truly just let it all go. Unfortunately, my personality doesn't not allow for letting anything go. UGH.






Edited 8/16/2004 7:19 pm ET ET by alifechoice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nykatja
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 8:13pm

Sean knew before I told him. He knew GB; we both worked for him. Sean and GB are still friends to some extent. I never hid lunch dates, shopping trips, dinners out, or even the occasional "ran into" from Sean. I just hid the intimate details. GB's wife never knew about the affair until

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
In reply to: nykatja
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 11:39pm
I'm in a similar position to you in that whilst i am over the whole A thing i still find myself thinking about it & trying to figure it out. Maybe because my XMM just moved away without so much as a goodbye. I never confessed to my H about the A even though he did find out about XMM. I was able to convince him we were just friends. I also managed to convince him that the reason i was so upset over it all was that XMM didn't think enough of that friendship to take the time to say goodbye & that it upsets me to think that i risked what we had for someone who didn't see it the way i did. Thankfully i'm over it all now so that i don't have to try & explain to H why i'm feeling so down all the time but i do find myself constantly thinking of XMM & if he ever regretted leaving the way he did. Or if he'll ever try to make contact again in the future. H & i are going away this week & one of the towns we'll be visiting is the one XMM moved to when he first left after his house sold quicker than expected. So i have found myself thinking about him even more these last couple of weeks. Wondering if he ever did make the final move away from there or decided to stay there as that's where his parents are.

I agree that maybe its time to stop trying to figure it all out & just let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: nykatja
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 12:40am
The good thing is I don't think about XMM the way I use to. I think about what lead me to stray. I work with my XMM and he lives a block away from me. I keep hoping he will move. LOL Out of sight out of mind seems to work well for me. Thankfully I only work part-time so I don't have to see him everyday.

Ever since I told XMM what I shared with my H, my whole outlook is different. Along with telling him what I told my H I told him some things that really were bugging me about what we did and how it made me feel. I don't know if he took any of it in and I really don't care. I feel like I have told him everything that I ever wanted to and also don't care if I ever talk to him again.

A large group of us from work will be spending this upcoming weekend together (our families included). I don't know for certain if XMM and his W will attend (they don't have children). My H and my family will be there. I sort of hope they show, just so I can prove to myself that there is nothing left for me to stress out about. I finally feel like I can close the door to that part of my life and move on. I've just been realizing this for the past few days. I feel like I have finally achieved closure, this has been after many attempts and me acting like a total psycho chick.

I struggled with telling my H because I was sure he would leave me. I think it helped that XMM and I never actually had sex, but we did have some physical contact. My H refuses to talk about any of it and I am finally accepting that too. For a while I wanted to talk about it constantly, just to work it out in my head. He would promptly change the subject or just walk away from me. I still don't know how my H really feels about any of it. The day I told him we had the most passionate afternoon we had ever had. We connected like we never had before. On another board I described the whole thing as being surreal. Still today it seems like such a fog.

Our marriage is the best that it has been in a really long time and I finally feel happy. It's too bad that it took an A to get us to where we are right now.

I guess I have rambled more than I should have.

Best of luck to you. I think I am getting so close to letting it all go, you will get there, too.