1 yr post...
Find a Conversation
1 yr post...
| Wed, 07-28-2004 - 8:10pm |
Please believe I'm not a saint!!! All I had to do was breath in and out for a year and yes things did get better... time does wonders! Do I still love him? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. My emotions really rocked my world for a long time and I did lose track of my goals in life. When the pain was new my life goal had to be changed to get out of bed in the morning and take care of my child. Now my goals are again looking forward to something much bigger. I've not lapsed since last Sep maybe? by writing a pitiful I miss you e-mail or anything. That makes me feel good. Because I do deserve better. I have a boyfriend we've been dating since Nov of last year. I have broken up with him off and on because I couldn't resolve my feelings for XMM. However, we're still together and going slowly. I do wonder if thinking about Xmm is some kind of cheating? I guess it's just cheating myself out of my own best interest. Sometimes I think I want to talk to him to have closure. But, more often I know I've already closed the door myself.
To conclude... I once had to read this board everyday to keep my sanity and now I look at it once and awhile to remember how insane I was....
Best wishes to all of you still struggling with the emotions.
Katja

Thank you for your candid comments and congratulations on your recovery from your EMA.
I think your relationship with your SINGLE boyfriend will continue to strengthen as more time passes from the past and xMM......
Please feel welcome to visit and share anytime.
cl-nre
I'm so glad to hear that things are going well for you. How's your baby? You are someone I will remember for the rest of my life. A stranger on a message board who sent encouraging words my way that for many months held me up like I crutch.
I visit here a little more often than I should and post on another board way more than I should. I am completely over the A and ending but still dealing with a few things. I still work with my XMM which I think has maybe prolonged this whole ordeal. We keep everything strictly work related and it seems to be working ok. Time passes, life goes on and in the end it will all work out.
Thank you again.
Thanks again for sharing this with us!
:)
Circe
"I once had to read this board everyday to keep my sanity and now I look at it once and awhile to remember how insane I was.... "
I think I remember your name from back then, Nykatia. You won't have closure. Live in the present. Don't dwell on the past, and don't focus so much on some fantastical (surreal) future that you miss the present moment. I'm finding solace in the "NOW".
You sound great. Congrats!!!
I'm wondering if I have created it to be much more complicated than it should have been. I couldn't live with the guilt of keeping the secret from my H and felt like I had to tell. I read things from those that were here when I first came and you sound like you have moved on and forgotten the whole thing. Here I am still going at it, still trying to figure it out and understand it all.
The 2 men involved, my H and XMM, have taken a "lets forget it and pretend like it never happened" attitude. I have myself just yesterday decided that is now going to be my attitude. Maybe I can force myself to believe it was all just a bad dream. The men seem to be able to do it.
Don't get me wrong, I am well over the A itself, it's just the rest of it that has really messed with my head that I am still dealing with, even after all the time that has passed. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure it out and truly just let it all go. Unfortunately, my personality doesn't not allow for letting anything go. UGH.
Edited 8/16/2004 7:19 pm ET ET by alifechoice
Sean knew before I told him. He knew GB; we both worked for him. Sean and GB are still friends to some extent. I never hid lunch dates, shopping trips, dinners out, or even the occasional "ran into" from Sean. I just hid the intimate details. GB's wife never knew about the affair until
I agree that maybe its time to stop trying to figure it all out & just let it go.
Ever since I told XMM what I shared with my H, my whole outlook is different. Along with telling him what I told my H I told him some things that really were bugging me about what we did and how it made me feel. I don't know if he took any of it in and I really don't care. I feel like I have told him everything that I ever wanted to and also don't care if I ever talk to him again.
A large group of us from work will be spending this upcoming weekend together (our families included). I don't know for certain if XMM and his W will attend (they don't have children). My H and my family will be there. I sort of hope they show, just so I can prove to myself that there is nothing left for me to stress out about. I finally feel like I can close the door to that part of my life and move on. I've just been realizing this for the past few days. I feel like I have finally achieved closure, this has been after many attempts and me acting like a total psycho chick.
I struggled with telling my H because I was sure he would leave me. I think it helped that XMM and I never actually had sex, but we did have some physical contact. My H refuses to talk about any of it and I am finally accepting that too. For a while I wanted to talk about it constantly, just to work it out in my head. He would promptly change the subject or just walk away from me. I still don't know how my H really feels about any of it. The day I told him we had the most passionate afternoon we had ever had. We connected like we never had before. On another board I described the whole thing as being surreal. Still today it seems like such a fog.
Our marriage is the best that it has been in a really long time and I finally feel happy. It's too bad that it took an A to get us to where we are right now.
I guess I have rambled more than I should have.
Best of luck to you. I think I am getting so close to letting it all go, you will get there, too.