Returning...If your wishes came true...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Returning...If your wishes came true...
3
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 5:31pm
I have been a long time reader/member/lurker of this board. I have been in an extramarital affair - no actually 2 affairs - since 1999. One of them ended about 6 months ago - and was the "product" of some skewed thinking due to the "primary affair" which I have no decided to END.

Perhaps I have had the "dream" many on here hope they would experience with their MM or MW...I have been married for 9 years, seperated for 4 years and recently began living with my spouse again. During my seperation I met the man of my "dreams" - he was witty, charming, engaging, sexually wonderful, socially a delight and basically was everything my husband wasn't - except committed to me. The culmination of 5 years of deceit was when my MM moved his wife and part of his business 1800 miles away - because, in his words - he wanted more "quality" time for "us" without the freedom cramping presence of his wife. While it wasn't perfect - Divorce was out of the question for either of us - I thought it was wonderful!!! We worked together as co owners of a business, so no one suspected us of anything other than close friendship, and business relations. Not his wife, not my husband.

In fact, he actually LIVED with my husband and I ( Yep, I know...what was I thinking...)

and we lived quite happily for the 2 weeks each month that MM was here. It was my dream...how often had I thought what I would give to actually be able to cook for his man, spend an evening next to him on the sofa, even wash his clothes!! All those things his wife got to do, and I didn't. Well, I got to do them. My H travels quite a bit so MM and I were alone quite often.

Here's what happened... I had previously known of his infidelity between us - he was soliciting other women on the internet and having sex with them, while telling me he was "at a meeting" etc. Not to mention, when he returned home to his wife, he was doing the same. I hacked his computer to find all the lies he told these other women...yeah he is a private pilot for John Travolta, yeah he is a NASCAR pit crew big wig, yeah he ownes a national company... LIE LIE LIE like a rug. But you know what, I still loved him, I loved the high I got being near him and with him. He was my drug of choice.

Fast Forward 6 months - he is no longer "living here" although his stuff(actually his wife's furniture) is here - but his personal belongings other than some winter clothing, shoes, socks, pocket junk are gone - slowly he has been moving them out. His trips here now required hotel stays and nights away...all the time his lips said he loved and missed me, but all that came out were lies.

Yeah, I lived the best of both worlds for awhile...but in the end, deceit is just that. It has no happiness. My choice to continue this affair amidst the lies, was my choice - but a bad one. It robbed me of 5 years of my life ( I'm 45 ), I ruined my career, I lost friends, I lost my self respect, I gave up my control to this Affair. But I am taking it back.

I know I have a hard road ahead. I hope I won't bore everyone on this board with the details in my seemingly endless posts. But I need to "hear" my own words in my head as I write this. It is my strength. I AM STRONGER than the affair. I AM MORE VALUABLE than the MM ever pretended I was. I WILL MAKE IT.

~Chloe~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 6:12pm
Hi welcome--

I too post to think and to vent. Very seldom would I tell a soul what I post here so it is very therapeutic in a sense. Sometimes I think folks here must think I am a raving lunatic-- but the truth is most of the time I have complete comtrol of my emotions and I come here and post when I feel like I am losing it.

It does get frustrating when you post and there is no response. It feels similar to the ending of my A. So in that sense sometimes it is difficult.

But know there are lots of people who with help you and cheer for you and be in your corner. Good luck and know you are in my prayers.

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 7:51pm
"It does get frustrating when you post and there is no response. It feels similar to the ending of my A. So in that sense sometimes it is difficult. "

That is soooo true tb. I have been waivering between calling the MM and just losing it...thoughts about telling his W ( to make his life miserable) and just letting go and letting things die. I WANT *SOME KIND* of response from him.

I guess I want the confrontation with him - even though generally I am not a confrontational person! I told my sister today that I wanted to stab him with a butter knife - not literally - but I wanted HIM to hurt. Sad that I should feel that way - but it is how I feel. For so much of my A with this man, I really *didnt* feel - I kept everything kind of in a constantly controlled anguish.



~Chloe~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:24pm
HI Chloe~

Welcome, know that you are welcome and supported, some days the responses can be a bit slow but that is mostly because people are about the job of moving ther lives forward like your doing and need to get away form here sometimes.

You feelings of wanting XMM to hurt are pretty noemal so feel free to vent them here, we all have had to at some point or other.

Fantasies end and in time we have to return to the real world, it is a lot like birthing a child there can be some real pain but it is worth it in the end.

Peace

Free