ending coworker A

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
ending coworker A
13
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 11:20pm
Hi,

I am new to this board although I have posted at the My Affair board in the past. I have been having an A with a coworker for three years now. We were close friends as well as coworkers for the past 15 years, but the physical part of the A began three years ago.

I have been married for 27 years and my OM is married also. My marriage had become very complacent with my H paying little attention to me I felt and I responded to the attention I received each day from the OM. We are very compatible, in fact some people at work have said they think we must have been married to one another in a previous life. The OM and I have been such close friends for so long, that I think this has kept people from suspecting that we are actually having an A. Although, I may just be fooling myself on that.

My point, I suppose in posting here, is to see if there is anyone out there who has successfully ended an A with a coworker yet still been able to continue to work together. My OM and I work side by side in cubicles. He is not my superviser, we have very similar positions. My H and I have worked on our marriage throoughout the past three years and I am much happier at home and would not want to hurt my H for the world. However, I still find that I cannot make myself walk into that office and tell my OM that I cannot and will not be with him any more. I have tried several times during the past year, once when he was out of work for six weeks on medical leave and I thought the separation time would be a good time to end it and give us both space, but he always manages to win me back and break down my good resolutions.

I have been told that having no contact is the only sure way to end these things, and that if I valued my marriage I would do this even if it meant leaving my job.

This may be true, but in practical terms, easier said than done. I am 49 years of age and have a very good job with a good income and I love my job. It would be extremely hard to find another like it. I work in the same department as my H, although we work in different buildings, so I would have to have a very good explanation for wanting to quit my job. My H knows I love my job.

I care deeply for my OM too. When we began the intimate part of the A it was with the understanding that we would remain friends even when one of us felt it was time to end the A. I guess the bottom line is that maybe I'm not as ready to end it as I think or I would have the strenth to just say "no" and really stick with it, but that constant contact, eight hours a day five days a week, makes it so hard. It's like having two H's, my work H and my H at home.

Does that sound crazy?

Has anyone been in this work place situation and if you ended it, how did you do it? Any advice will be welcome.

And yes, I know now why I always heard it was a huge mistake to have a work place A. It most definitely is.

Thanks for any help you all might offer.

IP

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 11:37pm
HI IP

Bet you were not expecting to here from me here, but the truth is I spend more time on this board then any other.

I can tell you that is has little to do with wanting or not wanting to end it, the fact that you keep looking for support to do so says that you do want to end it.

Question: can you move your workspace to one near your husbands, or to a different area of the building your in, I would suggest finding ways to REDUCE your daily contact untell you can end it.

Most people tend to believe that there being so carefull that no one knows whats going on but the truth is there are going to people that have figured it out or seen more then you think they have.

Please know that I will be happy to support you in any way possible toward your goal.

Peace

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 11:46am
****Has anyone been in this work place situation and if you ended it, how did you do it? Any advice will be welcome.****

Hi Princess,

I think I may have written to you before on the "My affair" board, way back when....a few months ago I believe. Anyway, I remember you were struggling then to end it. I would like to share my success story with you in hopes that it will hit home, and help.

I also work with my XMM. ONLY..we are in the same office, still working side by side. For me, I was able to emotionally withdraw from him since the beginning of the year. The first 4 months we still had sex once a week, BUT I noticed that it wasn't the same for me any longer. After each encounter I would feel completely empty and wounded as well. I was beginning to notice that the bandaid I wore each week needed to be replaced with a larger one, to hold back the internal bleeding that was growing more intense by the day. The affair was eating me from the inside out, and it was time to stop the hemorrhaging. So, I devised a plan, back in May, and stuck to it.

First I told him that I needed some space to work things out in my head. He understood because we were very upfront about guilt and doubts right from the start. We agreed that if either one of us wanted out, it would be "OK" and the job was still intact. Being a woman, I know that ending something like this is far more complicated than it is for a man. They can compartmentalize their descepancies far easier than we can. SO, he backed off from touching me, and this went into another two weeks of my "just not feeling well" to my "I'm not ready to talk about this yet" (because conversation would only lead back to a physical situation: I know, I broke it off 2 years earlier and FAILED) So now, I have over three weeks of NO physical contact, my emotions are becomming more focused on what I WANT and NEED, my self-respect is returning, and all of the "AH-HA's" of why I had this affair in the first place are coming to the forefront. Each day I would battle just one of those *demons* and each night when I went home, I felt stronger.

After a month, and his still not pressuring me (that is the most important part), I was able to talk to him. I said, "I have faced my demons and know now that I will never let another woman's husband ever touch me again." He KNEW then that it was over. I never could bring myself to say "IT'S OVER" because I have said that before and failed. THIS time, is was more like a "conduct code of honor" that we both understood without having to express it.

Since then, (Early July) he has tried to wiggle his way back into my mind emotionally with wanting to talk everyday...you know, chit chat about our kids, this and that, etc.(this is when I began to realize that *HE* was having trouble in letting go). SO, I had to lay down the law and SET boundaries. I told him that I will only converse about office/work stuff and anything that can be discussed in front of the other employees. Other than that, "You need to stop asking me how I am, what I'm doing this weekend, etc." I have to move on, and SO DO YOU! "Our friendship will be ONLY a working friendship!"

I know this is long, but here is the finale. Last week we had to lay off two employees that also work in our office. NOW there is only the 2 of us, with an occasional visit by one other guy who stops in 2-3 times a week to drop off paperwork. At first I thought, "OH SH*T, Now we are ALONE all day long." BUT, because I had already laid the foundation, because I am no longer emotionally involved, because I no longer love him (distancing yourself will open many windows that you had conveniently closed regarding their *true* character),I can strut into work with self confidence, self-respect, and self love, almost as if I am wearing an invisable shroud that protects me from any evil remnants still remaining within those walls. I feel like a super-hero. I conquered the big bad evil doer of wayward hearts and tossed him to the curb! AND the greatest benefit of all is: He shows me MORE respect and admiration than I ever saw/felt during our entire affair. I think much of this has to do with *HIS* knowing how bad I could BURN him, if he EVER threatens my job security. In our case, his clueless wife (who has NEVER even come to the office in the last 10 years because of disinterest in his work) is completely in the dark over her dear hubby and his antics. BUT, if push ever came to shove, I will most definitely SHOVE IT in the proper channels :)

I'm not saying that it has always been easy. I am not saying that I haven't had some bad days, but they are far and few between compared to the "I don't give a hoot anymore" good ones. My JOB is what is important. I am only 10 years from retirement and NO ONE is going to mess that up. NOT EVEN ME. What is the hardest part of all of this is what in the heck took me so long to WAKE UP? Our affair was on and off for almost 5 years. I don't even know WHO that person was that wore my clothes and lived in my house.....

Good luck and God speed,

True


Edited 8/1/2004 12:01 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:37pm
***Most people tend to believe that there being so carefull that no one knows whats going on but the truth is there are going to people that have figured it out or seen more then you think they have****

THIS is so true, Free! ANY day that "brown stuff* could hit the fan. AND, if MM is the one who is caught, cornered, or suspected, IP will see PDQ just what a wonderful caring person MM is when he tells his wife that the little princess was really the "EVIL WICKED WITCH".

I'm not trying to be cruel here, IP. But these men will run with their twangers flapping limply to the closest exit they can find if "THE WIFE" were ever to catch wind of the forces that were at play behind her back". Also, with you also being married, your innocent husband will be hit in the face, full throttle, with that all of that brown stuff too. I hope you will act before all of your options are acted upon for you.

True

Edited 8/1/2004 1:43 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself


Edited 8/1/2004 3:03 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 4:24pm
Hi Free and True, and thanks for responding with some specific concrtet suggestions.

Yes, free, I did have to smile a bit when I saw you were on this board too. I thought, "oh boy, she's going to think I'm really crazy" but your suggestion of relocating my offfice space is one I have seriously considered. In fact, we have a new superviser who took over about six months ago and he was facing some serious office problems when he took over. I went to him and told him I would not be upset if he thought that moving cubicles might help the problems. The office issues were dealt with in another manner without any cubicle changes, but I did let him know I am open to that option. He too is a long time friend and I would feel comfortable asking him to move me and giving him a little insight as to why. I trust him, so that may become my next move.

Yes, True, I think you are right that others probably do suspect something at this point because my OM did tell me that an employee in our building did ask him about our relationship and he, OM, just brushed it off, but that makes me know that people are thinking things. The OM's W does not work in the same line of work and no one at our job is close friens with her so I doubt that she would find out in that way, but my H is very likely to be the one who would be most affected and I truly do not want that. I am puzzled sometimes that my H has not been more upset about my friendship with the OM but I think he trusts me and he does n't realize how much time OM and I spend alone.

As you indicated True, I too have felt differently about the times we have been intimate during the past six months. For one thing, OM seems to be taking it more for granted and I feel more empty afterward and it just isn't worth it.

I will think a little more about the office space change and if I should decide that is the right option, I will let you all know how it goes.

Thank you again for giving me some specif ideas and for letting me know that others have been in this situation and have worked it out successfully.

I admire your strength, True, keep it up.

Oh yes, just a little indication that OM knows his stock is dropping wht me was that loast week, I was upset and told him that our situation was bothering me very badly and he said the three magic words they think will work when they get desperate. "I love you." Haven't heard tohse words except in the heat of passion from him in the past. He definitely knows things are changing.

Take care all of you.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 4:48pm
<<>>>

Now that I am on the outside looking in, I came to realize that if they really loved you, they would never have put you in this kind of situation in the first place. This isn't love. It's manipulation so they will continue to get what they want. When you love someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them. Once I realized this, it was easier to finalize closure because then I *ALSO* realized that if I had love XMM, I would not have interfered with his loyalites to his wife and family. It's a two-way street.

Again, good luck.

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 12:45am
HI IP

Ending these things is a prosses that takes time to move from step to step, it is the rare bird that gets out quick, and those that seem to often seem to be the ones that get suckered back in again, as I am fond of saying PAIN is the great teacher, to easy and I think people don't learn the lessons they need to.

YOU will get there in your due time the same way others have before you, in some ways it can be like a snowball rolling down hill that picks up speed and mass as it goes, in time nothing can stand in it's way and any foolish cheating married mouse that tries will get flattened.

TOMMOROW IS A NEW DAY WITH NEW POSSIBILITIES.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:06pm
I did it.

It was very difficult & painful at the time... but now, geeze. I wonder what I was thinking. Honestly.

Rule #1. NO CONTACT (at least to the degree it is possible)

Rule #2. No funny behavior. Back up the no contact by not doing anything to put yourself in a bad position.

Rule #3. Work on yourself

Rule #4. Work on your marriage.

Rule #5. See Rule #1.

Rinse.

Repeat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:59pm
My thanks to all of you for your understanding and your support in this.

YOu have made some very good points.

I decided to take a couple of days off from work, unexpectedly. To try and get my self together and have some time for myself. OM tried to call me from work three times today, but I let it go to the answering machine and did not return his calls.

My decision is to go to work wednesday and sit down with him and tell him specificly that I cannot do what we have been doing any longer. I am ready to spell it out for him whereas, in the past attempts, I was always more suble about it, leaving him room to convence me we should continue on together. I am going to remind him of what we both said when we first began this, that if one or the other of us did not feel we could continue it, we would let it go and still have our friendship. After all, we had the friendship a lot longer than the A.

I will have to tell him we'll have to stop the little play time, touching and sexual inuendos and that kind of behavior.

I know that it is time to do this and to let him know I mean it.

If it does not wlrk this way, then I will talk to my superviser about changing cubicles. I really am reluctant to do this because OM and I brighten one another's day making each other laugh and just being friends, but after our coming talk, he may make me so miserable, I may not have a choice.

I guess this will show whether he truly cares for me. If he does, then he will let it go and let us be friends. After all, he has his W and I have my H, and we have separate lives.

I know I have the strength to do this. I will let you all know how it goes. Keep fingers and toes crossed for me.

IP
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 10:44am
iprincess48,

I have a question for you. How do you know it's time?

I so want to tell my MM that I can't do this. I wrote down my feelings and have it all ready to send to him. How do I make sure that I don't CAVE? How do you know you're ready?

Good luck to you.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:30am
<<>>

The same way you know when it's time to stop smoking.

The choice is an easy one to make - I choose to stop smoking. There, I've made the choice. Acting on it and enforcing that decision is the difficult part.

You also know that it's time when you start asking questions about how you know whether it's time...

To continue to smoking analogy, you know that just as smoking eats away at your lung tissue, your EMA is eating away just as steadily on your self-esteem. The longer you permit someone to treat you as second-best, the more you accept that you only deserve second-best. Smoking tastes nasty, but the longer we do it, the more addicted we become and then it's "hey the taste isn't really that bad..."

You know that any smoking is bad for you and you wouldn't want to keep a pack of cigs around the house just for old times' sake because it enables you to slip far too easily. Equally, you don't want any contact with MM let alone settle for trying to be his friend.

You really are the captain of your own ship, IP, and so you'll tell your MM when you choose to do so, and not before. You'll enforce NC as strictly as you choose to do so.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

Pages