XMM e-mailed last night...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
XMM e-mailed last night...
5
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 9:03am
Good Morning, All...

An update: XMM sent a short e-mail last night. All he wrote was: "I miss you and your friendship..alot"!

UGHH....Friendship???? I thought that it was more than that at the time. Talk about a kick in the face. Right now I am so mad, frustrated and hurt. Obviously, the words "I'm in love with you", that he used to tell me all the time, were a crock of s@#t. I don't even know how to respond to that remark, or if I should even bother.

christa


Edited 8/1/2004 9:22 am ET ET by christa_marie

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 9:39am
Hiya Christa,

Here's what his email actually said: "I miss you and your friendship...alot, but I will never leave my wife for you."

Don't bother responding, hon, he's not worth even the minimal caloric output required in typing a reply.

Furthermore, any reply at all shows you still have some feelings, even if only enough to be hurt, angry, frustrated or outraged. And that's exactly what he's angling for - the ego-boost of knowing he still has you if & when he wants you.

NC is the only way to go, sweetie, being ignored dents their falsely inflated egos far more than anything else possibly can. That you aren't desperate & pining for them is the emotional equivalent to a kick in the nads.

Post here when you feel the urge to contact him. We're here when you need us and often when ya don't.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:07pm
Christa-

Was he responding to an email of yours or did he do this on his own?

If he did it on his own, I would think that he is having a hrd time...but doesn't want to spark anything by saying "love". So, he's downplaying it for his own sanity...and yours. And, maybe he really does miss the friendship. Wasn't that part of it? I REALLY miss my XMM....and the friendship is a big part of it. I still madly love him....but if I emailed him now, I might say what yours said...just so as to not freak him out.

OTOH, maybe he's testing you. Maybe hewants to see how you'll react to him saying that...if he can get a rise out of you.

Don't reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:41pm
Hi Posie,

Thanks so much for responding. Your words truly hit home, and made me open my eyes. Sometimes I think that I was just a game to him. Sometimes I think that he really did care about and love me. Maybe...sometimes I think too much. I wish that I had never gotten involved. The heartache, pain, frustration...it's just not worth it. I will keep posting for strength. Thanks a bunch for your help! :)

Christa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:46pm
Hi Withpoise,

Thank You, too, for responding. I had contemplated contacting him a few days ago, as I was having a really tough time emotionally. BUT...I didn't (thanks to this board). No, this e-mail that he had sent last night, was done on his own. Yes, you are right...Friendship was a big part of our relationship. We could tell each other anything. I don't know if I even mentioned this in my initial post, but what makes this even harder for me, is that he was my 1st love. That was over 30 years ago. But, whatever, he is still married, and so am I.

Christa

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 3:44pm
Hiya Christa,

Some 7mos on from the end of my own EMA, I believe that if I'd tacked the phrase "but I will never leave DP for you" to everything exMICR had said, then I'd have saved myself a great deal of pain & heartache.

I spoke at length once with an old friend, a married man who'd been caught redhanded by his DW in his EMA. In my search for a path towards my own healing, I probed him for information. Specifically, I asked him about MM's lies to their OW. What he said was strangely comforting to me, at any rate.

My friend told me that for the time he was with OW, he meant every word about loving her, about her being a soulmate, how he connected with OW in a way he'd never connected with anyone ever before. To my friend, the he time spent with OW in that "fantasy bubble" was beyond precious to him. However, that was where it ended. Reality was the sole reserve of his wife and children.

When it came down to it, my friend said, that as unexciting as reality is, he chose it over a possible perfect "soulmate" because reality was tried and tested.

Quite apart from any financial considerations (divorce & child support is expensive), he knew his wife's habits - knew where she kept things in the kitchen, knew how often she liked to vacuum, knew he'd always have clean/ironed shirts for work, knew & trusted DW not to overspend in a tight month, etc. Tiny day to day things which had come to feel "normal," though tedious became appreciated when they were at risk of being lost forever.

My married man friend felt he stood a better chance of going the distance with someone tried & tested rather than facing the distinct possibility of finding out OW (perfect soulmate or not) might be more difficult to live with on a day to day basis.

The OW was cut off, abruptly, and married man friend and his wife remain together.

It helped me to know that in all probability my exMICR loved me for the time we were in our fantasy bubble away from reality. It also meant that I eventually valued myself enough to walk away when exMICR was ultimately unable to make the step from fantasy to reality with me.

It made it easier, too, when he did later offer to be with me to refuse that offer. With a little time & distance I realised that my fate would really be no better than his DP's had been for all 3yrs+ that exMICR & I were together. If the grass is always greener, it will be greener somewhere other than my backyard, too, eventually. I choose not to live like that.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie