I got very unexpected freedom!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
I got very unexpected freedom!
9
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 12:26am
It's been a long time since my daily (hourly) visits here.

It has also been a long six years for me (one year intimate relationship, five years of friendship (emotional A) of which the last 11 months were MM promising to meet me in person for my "closure" questions and peace of mind about why we had the A, why it ended and why we should remain friends.

Our closure meeting finally took place this week and much to my shock, I walked away with such inner freedom that I never imagined was possible!

No, it was not the result of what he said, or what he didn't say, or what he did or didn't do. It was the result of me watching his every expression, looking at him just sitting there next to me and asking myself: "What on God's earth did I ever SEE IN HIM?" Why on earth did I give this man six years of my life?

After six years of his complaints about needing to lose weight (and all my encouragement) he's still as overweight as he was when we met! He still complains about the same (family, job, friends) issues he complained about 6 years ago! He's still miserable in his marriage but now calls it being content and used to the little he can expect.

Before we parted, he expressed great concern about the possibility that afterwards, something that he said (or didn't say) during our meeting would upset me afterwards and I would send him an email expressing my thoughts. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there will never be any emails (or any other form of contact) from me!

All I wanted to do was to get in my car and drive away as fast and as soon as I could!

For a week I've racked my brain trying to figure out WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?

Have any of you come to this same point recently?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 6:45am
<<<>>>

I SO TOTALLY understand what you are saying. It's as if we are finally seeing them for the first time. We get so caught up in the fantasy, in our imaginations and in the addiction, that we overlook what has been right in front of us. Once we can stand back and look at someone objectively as opposed to the subjective image we had conjured up over a period of time, our perceptions become crystal clear....Consider yourself one of the lucky ones. Not everyone can snap back to reality so quickly.

Begin

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:52am
Thanks Begin! I find myself wishing that my reality snap back to normalcy would have happened 5 years ago!

Like many of the ladies (past, present and future) on this board, I wanted my relationship with MM to change. I often thought I could will it to do so. I was also foolish enough to go back (over and over again) to a relationship that not only should have ended years ago but one that should have never been allowed to start in the first place!

You're right... an objective viewpoint is much clearer then the subjective image I've had of MM for 6 years!

Wishing you much happiness!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:51pm
I am on the same page as well...somehow after three years with my MM i walked away feeling sure of ending it, and have absolutely no regrets in ending it. I too have felt like someone lifted the blinders I was wearing, and keep thinking "What the heck have I been doing for the past three years???" Not only because I do have a wonderful, loving husband...but because of MM and all the nonsense I have put up with. I let him mess with my heart and head for three years and I don't even feel like he attracts me anymore. It is the best feeling ever. And I am just glad that I am here and not still thinking "Oh what if he comes back?" because there is no chance in hell I will go for that ever again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:03pm
Yep! Exactly the same point.

(Good to see your name again... I just came on here for hte first time in months, myself.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:16am
GREAT to also see your name!

I'm trying to get acquainted with all the new (to me) posters :)

In your post to TCOM, you briefly mention you are doing much better. I'm happy for you!

May I ask what you changed that (hopefully) resulted in igniting that spark with your wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 5:59pm
I changed me.

I was looking for things {that don't exist} in the wrong place. That also led me to realize that what I was looking for was not a good as what I had right under my nose!

I can be such a knuckle head! But, I'm glad I woke up; and thankful for all the people who helped me here about a year ago...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:13am
Riverguy, I'm happy for you but as a former OW, I wish that you and my XMM (and all the other MM) once involved in an A would have come to their senses and woken up BEFORE they manipulated and destroyed a huge part of the OW and her life!

Sorry, just needing to vent tonight!

At times, I wonder why us females on this board are very supportive and encouraging of the male posters that are trying or ending their A's while in comparison, when our OM/MM starts making the move to end the relationship.....we have a very hard time not only understanding but also coping and accepting reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:23pm
I DO remember your posts and your need for closure. I'm glad you got it and that you're feeling so empowered!!!

Yes, I came to the same conclusion. One day it became crystal clear to me that although my XMM was very hot looking with an awesome body and a pretty good sense of humor, he was totally immature, unsuccessful, unreliable (in family matters, not with me). And since I've reconciled my marriage I've actually had moments of feeling almost frightened when I think that I almost ended the whole thing to be with this joker! One of the things that was always abundantly clear to me was that I'm pretty well educated and a professional, and XMM wasn't. There was a huge gap in common interests, social circles, etc. We were always best when it was just the 2 of us. Oh well, live and learn, huh??

Glad to hear from you, and I'm even gladder you're doing so well!!!! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 5:34pm
I can appreciate the need for a good vent every now and then... but, I never manipulated my xOW, nor did I ever destroy any part of her or her life. I think that in retrospect, I was the one that took things on the chin (and in the heart) the hardest.

I understand if you feel your xOM did manipulate, but I never did... s'okay. You're venting & I understand.

So, why are women here supportive of other M who want to break things off, but not supportive of their OM's efforts to do the same? Simple!

Because here, it affects some "other" unknown person... not ourselves.

Good luck to you Caring! I'm getting out of here again. it has been interesting these past few days. Good luck to all of you others who are here & needing help. It's a good place to find it.